a funny and sorta irritating thing happend during my Lunch break today. whiLe i was going out to get me some chao mian, i noticed that peopLe who passed me by kept Looking at my groin area... so i started to wonder. i mean wtf man, i now i wasn't hard and aLL {Like i couLd bareLy feeL my genitaLs coz of the weather}. and i knew that me fLy wasn't open coz i check it Like a miLLion times a day {i had coz i had a bad experience before with a chinese woman in her 60's and with my open fLy}. so peopLe were Lookin. men, women, senior citizens, mothers with their kids, fuck, peopLe. so i was thinkin, man wtf is wrong with me crotch!? i was starting to get reaL annoyed so i went to a street corner to Look at my groin area and see for myseLf what the fuck was wrong. and there it was... a strip of used scotch tape with some green paper sticking out, dangLing on my groin area. waving at the peopLe who happen to see it Like its trying to say - ALOHA WELCOME TO CHINA WINTER WONDERLAND FESTIVAL STAY WARM WITH EXTRA MAYO THANK YOU COME AGAIN IF YOU PLEASE. fuckit, i didn't even know how it got there. kLutz!
fuckin kLutz. i shouLd get an award for being one. reaLLy, i'm one major kLutz. why so? weLL, Lookit
1. i forget my apartment keys aLL the time. i even have a fucking fruitbowL for my apartment keys so i wont forget but they aLways end up in the kitchen, in the bathroom, under my sofa or whereever as Long as its not the fruitbowL for my apartment keys! {NOTE TO SELF PUT YOUR APARTMENT KEYS IN THE FUCKING FRUITBOWL}
2. once i forgot that i was actuaLLy boiLing water and i Left me fLat for one whoLe hour and then i onLy reaLized that i was actuaLLy boiLIng hot water when peopLe started caLLing my ceLL because they thought there was a fire in my fLat. {they actuaLLy thought i was unconscious or summat and they were prepared to break the door and caLL the fucking fire brigade}
3. i keep forgetting what day is it in the week. Like today. i thought it was fucking sunday - TWICE, AND WITH THE FUCKING SAME PERSON!
4. whenever i eat rice, some bits and pieces aLways happen to stick themseLves to my jeans. i aLways find out days Later or worse, whenever i'm doing the Laundry.
5. most of my friends say, that i send text messages twice, sometimes even three times. i dunno why, but LteLy they say it rareLy happens. weLL thank god for that.
6. i pee in my sLeep. i keep banging on door frames and arches and shit. ask nina. she'LL teLL you. gawd. it's Like i'm stiLL in puberty and i have fuckin pubes aLready.
7. open fLy. aLways. i hate it. Like i said, one time a 60 year old chinese woman trying to mime that YOU'RE FLY IS OPEN STOOPID in my face. there was another incident with an open fLy and a ratty underwear. jeez. embarassing i teLL ya. never ever die wearing ratty underwear.
enuff of that shit. i'm a kLutz. period. but i try to keep myself in check. i mean, i don't want to continuaLLy embarass myseLf. there's a saying, once bitten, twice shy... twice bitten weLL fuck it yer one stupid Lame assed fooL.
K. so what if i'm a kLutz? i mean. fuckit. i think i'm adorabLe {hey i gotta Love myseLf ok!}. speaking of adorabLe. two girLs sorta "proposed" to me and toLd me they wanted to be my girLfriend {if they onLy knew}. both chinese. one was amanda and the other one was moLLy. amanda, this coworker of mine, toLd me this morning that my Long hair was reaLLy super kewL and it went weLL with the goattee thing on my face and she toLd me in chinese that she wants me to be her boyfriend for the day. she was joking of course. i was Like, ok. she's waaay taLLer than me and she has this hair thing going on {most of the chinese girLs in this city have a hair thing going on so bad that they need intervention}. she's bubbLy and shit and reaL nice. so yeah, i toLd her. ohhhkay. but the best proposaL was from this chinese kid, moLLy. the girL is 5 years oLd, but she's fuckin awesome. she was waiting for her mom or something and then shje noticed that i was a foreigner. i was on a break so i decided to pLay with her {mind outta the gutter pLeeaaaase. shame on you , you fuckers}. so i was teaching her how to do sumo wrestLing and shit and teaching her some engLish words and phrases. but the kid's engLish is just way fucking phenomenaL, i mean for a 6 year oLd. i was teaching her the phrase I'M SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT.... so she said "I'M SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT YOU!" and then she proceeded to bite my arm and make sLurping sounds. i was Like ohhhhkay! the girL was cute. she even toLd me in chinese that i was deLicious and i was cute and pretty {yep, pretty}. imagine! {FUCK THAT SHIT. IF THE ONE OF THE GUYS THAT I DATED BACK IN COLLEGE EVEN HAD LIKE 10% OF MOLLY'S SWEETNESS I WOULDA GOTTEN MY ASS HITCHED AND WOULDA GIVEN BIRTH TO 8 CHILDREN} then she asked me in chinese if i wouLd Like to eat her if i'm hungry. i was Like, yeah definiteLy {in chinese}. the kid cracked me up. reaLLy. big time. it made my day. i even forgot about the nasty scotch tape incident during my Lunch break. she hugged my Leg when before she went home with her mom.
kids. you gotta Love'm. they're so cute. and cuddLy. i wish i couLd get them with batteries and a return poLicy.
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