7 days

I'm off topic already.

7 days

It's been 7 days already and as much as I hate to be all Dawson's Creek about this topic, I'm still going to say this,  I miss the Coconut Republic.  Sure, poverty and squalor live alongside couture malls and shopping centres like the other didn't exist; but it has its charms.   The minute my plane landed on the tarmac in Beijing Capital Airport (an awesome airport I tell ya), I already wanted to go back. Beijing greeted me with its first ever snow. The lady cabbie was ecstatic that it finally snowed in Beijing.   It was sorta romantic and I wanted to talk to the cabbie but I slept during the ride.  I was exhausted.


I so wanted to blog while I was on the road but it was difficult to get Internet access in the Coconut Republic.  Not that there aren't any, there are actually many Internet cafe's in the Philippines.  I wanted to blog with Consuelo (my laptop) but there weren't any free wireless in the places I went to, even friggen Starbucks (tell you more about that later).


My trip to the Coconut Republic would be described as overwhelmingly sublime that borders on the surreal at times. I had a great time, yep and  I actually think I grew up a little.  I stayed more with my family this time (about 10 days to be exact).  I met up with really good friends.  And I traveled with B.

Manila International Airport

If Beijing Airport is awesome that it makes me want to lick the bathroom tiles, the airport in Manila is not that awesome.  It's clean but not well maintained.  I thought that the plane would be landing at the new airport but we landed in the old one.  I had fun at the baggage claim area though.  I was expecting a guy to pop out of the baggage claim carousel (like it did the last time I arrived in Manila International Airport).  After I got Tallulah, I headed out to the arrivals section and was looking for my mother.  It was my niece that found me, Ynah (pronounced as EEEH-nah not WHY-nah). I almost screamed. She's all grown up.  Still small, but she's all ladylike now sorta.  Damn it I'm old! My mother, father and my niece and her partner found us.  I embraced them, and father dear started to tear up for no reason.  I was like "dude, chill". I was secretly happy because my father was never the mushy kind.  Age really does mellow hard men like my dad.  I looked at Dana, my niece and her partner and their three-month old baby Samantha.  Dana's different. She looked more mature, probably because of the baby.  Her partner, Rudy, is a bit quiet and timid and kept mostly to himself and gave me monosyllabic answers to the questions that I asked him.  Samantha, on the other hand, is curious about the stranger in front of him.  She kept on eyeing me with her big round eyes.  She seems at home with the airport environment. Samantha is my second grand niece. JEEEEZUS I feel so old.


Obamarama

I arrived on the 20th of January, Obama's inauguration.  I knew that Obamarama was a world phenomenon but I never expected the massive reception it got in the Philippines.  When I arrived at my sister's house that night I realized how serious the reception for the new American President was.  My sister was watching the inauguration and it turned out that all major networks were covering it. She owns a sari-sari store (Think of a mom and pop store with a 7-11 twist to it) and the neighbors were drinkin beer and watching history unfold.  My sister who's crazy about noontime shows and prime time soaps is watching Obama being sworn in, and so was my whole family.   I even heard my mother telling the whole family that we were lucky enough to witness history as the West inaugurates it's first African American president. The rest of my family nodded agreement.  That time I thought somebody kidnapped my family and replaced them with politically correct clones. My family was never NEVER politically correct. Even the TV reporters were politically correct.  Like whoa.  I was like, whoa.  She never uses the word African American before. She usually uses the N word in Spanish (its common for Filipinos to use that), but how times have changed. You gotta thank the Internet for this Obama win and for making my parents PC.  My parents. PC. Whodathunk. Next thing you know they would be demanding the IMF and World Bank to free the Third World of debt.  But that's too much to ask, I guess.

Traffic

I never realized that it was that bad in Metro Manila.  And I thought Beijing was bad.  You have to go to work at 5 am and go home at 11 pm to avoid the traffic jams. 

Starbucks

I love coffee, but I am not a fan of Starbucks.  I still prefer Dunkin Donuts over Starbucks.  I mean, if I'm gonna pay for a 4 dollar coffee, I would at least expect a free wi-fi and a blowjob (ok, at least a backrub).  But nooooooooooooooo. There ain't no free wi-fi in Starbucks.  I checked.  My sister and one of my nephews and I were waiting for the rest of my family to arrive for some dinner thing and my sister wanted to wait in Starbucks.  Reluctant as I was, I acquiesced since they already found a seat.  I queued up and waited for my turn to be served. I was carrying Tallulah with me and I was a bit groggy since I barely slept the other night and I seriously needed the caffeine jolt, so I decided to order an espresso machiatto.  When it was my turn to be served I ordered a  machiatto for me and two frappucino for the rest.  I said the whole thing to the waiter (barrista my ass), who happened to go to the same church as I do, in Filipino.  Now, I didn't get the memo that when you go to a Starbucks in Manila, you should order in English.  The waiter smiled at me and told me in a sort of patronizing Filipino tone that a machiatto was a small coffee. The lady beside me who heard the waiter's comment sorta smiled (no, she fuckin smirked). Oh, did I say, that she was asking her{grand}kids what their orders were in English 
(WACHA WANT TOO DREENK? DOO YOOO WANTA PRAFUCHEENO OR HWATEVERRR?).  
I wanted to shove Tallulah's ends up the waiter's and the lady's asses and  tell them that I knew what a freaking espresso macchiatto was. Just because I ordered the whole goddamn thing in Filipino and I was wearing non-designer flip flops and anon descript tank top and shorts doesn't mean that they could patronize me.  I have rights yo! I summoned up my inner Oprah Winfrey and told him in English that I have been drinking it even before he had pubes {which he probably now shaves considering his eyebrows were a bit sculptured}.  Then I told him in plain Filipino to make my fucking macchiatto a double. To his credit, he got embarrassed and then noticed Tallulah on my back with an airport baggage claim stub sticker thing still attached to her, to which he asked where I was from (duh my coffeee!!!!!! he was kinda cute tho).  I told him I was from Caloocan {think Brooklyn with extra frills}. I got my orders but I didn't get a double.  I prolly should've told it to him in English.  Fuckin Starbucks.

Malls

There are shitloads. And when I say shitloads, I meant shitloads.  It seems that one distinct aspect of Filipino culture in many cities (but most especially in the Metro) is that daily life seem to revolve around malls.  You can find Bayad Centers (where people can pay any kind of utility bill), chapels, fitness centers, medical facilities and the like.  In the Philippines, the malls have replaced the parks as the universal public space.   IT scares me a little truth be told.  I mean, they're nice and all but it's like giving the friggen government a whole shitload of slack which they really don't need.  I look at the state of the public spaces in the metro and to be honest there aren't enough. Granted that its really good but these tycoons who own them malls shouldn't be doing this. I love malls, don't get me wrong; but aren't we a bit mall crazy here?  Back when I was a kid, I looked forward in going to parks because there's grass.  Now, even malls have grass and waterfalls and friggen rice paddies.  And yes, you can solicit for sex in malls too! Senator Craig would have a field day in SM.

Tuyo, Tocino, Sinangag, Bibingka, Julebe

I gained 5 kilos because of these bastards. I ate at Julebe (Hoo leh beh) so many times that I felt for certain that them burgers were not 100% pure beef patties.  Whenever I would take out my nieces and nephews they would always ask me to take them to Jollibee or Chowking (a Chinese fast food joint owned by Jollibee).  They never get tired of it.


Tuyo rocks. I could never get enough of tuyo. Tuyo with  sinangag  and fried eggs is da bomb. Maaaaaaaaaaaan I once was served pasta with tuyo, olives and capers by a friend and it blew me away.  Ohhhh and the bibingka.  When Boo and I  were on our roadtrip, we ate bibingka whenever we can. The best bibingka that we had was in Liliw Laguna  and it was just 30 cents a piece.  30 cents for a piece of bibingka! You don't even get things as good as that in The Noodle Kingdom. 

Thank You
I have to thank some people I met during this trip.
Allan and Auch. No words could describe them.
Oskie and Venus.  I'm hoping I'll be in the Coconut Republic when you two exchange wedding vows.  
Andrew. Quiapo and Binondo would never be the same again. And cheesy 80's songs for that matter.
Cindy and Bingo. You two are amazing and wonderful people.  All the best with the work that you do. 
Iza and Celle. My only link to my dreadful highschool past.  :)
Bogs and Demo.  It was great meeting you two.
Drei. You are so fresh.
Boiet. It was surprising to say the least.
Chris. I still can't believe that you and I have the same camera.  I hope next time its a DSLR.
Ate Aida. Thank you for our talk and for helping orgnize my shit.

The welcoming committee

This was the first time that B and I went to the Philippines together.  In fact, this we were in the Philippines together.  I was excited for all sorts of reasons. As much as I hate admitting this on my blog,  I love the fucker and I wanted him to meet the people that mattered to me.  I mean not all of them because I honestly think he would be overwhelmed with the demographic.  I realized I have to wean him when it comes to my friends. Besides, there wasn't enough time.  We decided to go slow. We decided that he should meet my family and some of my friends. 


My family took him in like he was a long lost son (then that would mean incest, eeww?). It was not difficult to introduce him since they all have been asking when they were going to meet him and all.    Even my father was cool with it (well he is 70 so might as well go with the flow).  One of my nieces, Nee Ann, asked him about our relationship when we stopped by at one of my sister's house in Laguna before going to Manila.  Nee Ann is a 7-year old who loves writing ghost stories while putting on kid's make up (I can't believe that they already produce make up for kids).  She tells me that two of her good friends are gay (at 7) and I asked her how she knew and she said she just knows.    A fruitfly at 7. When she saw B and I coming outta B's car, she hugged and kissed me then looked at B and asked.

Nee Ann: Sino siya? (Who the hell is he?)
Uncle Omar: Siya si B (This is B)

While the two of us were eating baked macaroni that my sister prepared, Nee Ann was seated with us and kept on looking at me and B.  She prolly couldn't help it so she asked:

Nee Ann: Ankol, siya ba yung ex mo?  (Uncle, is he your ex?)
**I mentally choked on my baked mac and mentally gave myself the Heimlick manouver and told her after drinking a glass of coke:

Uncle Omar: Sino nagsabi sayo na ex ko siya (Who the hell told ya that he is my ex?)

Nee Ann: Si Mommy. (Mommy told me)
** my sister was manning her 7-11 while watching primetime soap.  B didn't know whether to keep on chewing or run to the car.  I'm glad he decided to stick to the former.  So I told Nee Ann

Uncle Omar: Hindi ko siya ex.  Boyfriend ko siya (He's not my ex. He's my boyfriend).
** she keeps quiet for a second or two and looks up the ceiling while trying to process the relevant piece of information that I just told her. Then when her 7 year old brain seemed to have processed the whole thing, she looks at me and then at B who looked kinda pale at that point but he's still chewing on the baked macaroni then tells us.

Nee Ann: Boypren? Ano yun?  Boy na pren? O BOYPREN? (Boyfriend? What do you mean by that?  Is he your friend who is a boy or is he your boyfriend)
** I was wondering at that point if B was also mentally administering the Heimlick manouver to his psychic self. I told my neice

Uncle Omar: Boyfriend ko siya.  So tawag mo sa kanya Uncle B, ok? (He's my boyfriend.  So you can also call him Uncle B, ok?)
** B nods at Nee Ann and tells her that she could call him Uncle B. She looks up the ceiling again and then looks back at the two of us and tells us.

Nee Ann: Boypren!? Double boy?! Pwede ba yun?  (Boyfriends?! Double boy? Is that even possible?)

Uncle Omar: Oo naman.  Uso yan ngayon.  (Yep, its possible.  It's a fad thats been around since the mid 90's)

Nee Ann: OK.
* * then she proceeds to eating her chicken while B gets a second helping of my sister's baked mac.

That was my boyfriend's baptism of fire. B got along with my family famously.  I mean, if he could survive Nee Ann, he could survive my other nephews and nieces and my siblings and my parents and my neighbors and the baranggay tanods.

B, Allan & Auch
B had to meet the two people that mattered to me most, my best friends - Allan and Auch. Truth be told, I was more nervous of the whole thing than B.  I think he was not fazed at all.  He was all B the whole time we were with Allan and Auch.  Allan and Auch decided to cook Sinampalukang Manok (Chicken Tamarind Soup) for us when we decided to visit them at Auch's apartment.  I was expecting it to be bloody and all as it has been known to the three of us that Allan and Auch never liked ANY of my boyfriends. I was nervous as hell to say the least.  Miracle of miracles, the two were ok with B, there wasn't any cursing.  No blood was shed.  B didn't die of food poisoning.  My water didn't break. That didn't mean that the three of them were chummy chummy and all.  The whole experience was a bit formal, but not tensed. It was a bit surreal because Allan was all fatherly and Auch was all butch all of a sudden that it would've given him a stroke had he continued to be butch for the whole day. As far as I know, this was Auch's longest.  I mean his previous record was 45 minutes.  He did it for two hours.  I wanted to tell them just to be themselves because B was oblivious to the whole thing.  I guess they wanted to make a good impression which touched me.  Inside, I was elated, but I still felt weird. 


At one point during the meal, Allan even said the following in a fatherly tone. 

Allan: Alam mo B na kaming dalawa ni Auch ay natutuwa sa inyong relasyon ni Omar.  Maligaya kami para sa inyong dalawa (I have to tell you B that Auch and I are happy about the two of you. We are really happy for you)
** Master Sergeant Auch, who was seated opposite to me couldn't help but raise an eyebrow (for two seconds). I couldn't help but smile, because I knew for a fact that it was genuine. But I also couldn't help but feel like some farm girl being offered by her parents to the sugar baron in order to pay off my family's debt.  All the scene needed  was a cow which Allan and Auch would give to B as my dowry.

B & my parents
B and I decided to take my parents with us on our 3 day trip to the countryside.  They were happy enough to oblige.  I found out later from my mother that they were both excited about the trip because they haven't had a proper vacation in years. 


B drove the whole time.  I couldn't drive.  He has a car in the Philippines and I couldn't, for the life of me, understand why he has a car in the Philippines when he's based outside the country.  He wants me to take up driving lessons.  My parents agreed. I told them that I wouldn't be able to handle my road rage.   B is such a proper driver.  He stops on a red light (I mean who does that these days); even makes way for stray dogs and cats and rats whatever living thing that crosses his path.


We went to visit a monastery that is frequented by a lot of tourists and devotees.  It was a real quiet and expansive place with a small chapel in the middle.  The four of us got out of the car and my father was complaining to my mother about his bladder  and was looking for the men's room so she asked B where the men's room was. I was 20 meters behind them and I could hear my parents talking about bladders and toilets and we were in a friggen monastery!  Good thing there were a few visitors that afternoon but I bet my ass that the nuns prolly heard the whole thing.  Meh, they prolly prayed for us too.  I love my parents.

On the road

The highlight of my vacation was the roadtrip with B.  The best times that we had was on the road and in his car. If it were a motorcycle it would've been more romantic and a bit French, but I guess the car was way better than a bike.  And besides, the hell would I pedal both of us. The car did have its uses.


It was the little things that appealed to me the most.


Like being able to smell him in close proximity with me for 8 hours straight...


or being able to listen and sing the same song over and over and over again until his ears and tonsils bled...


and playing with his hair and his nape in some lazy rainy afternoon en route to some destination...


or sleeping on the side of the road at 3 am because he was too tired to drive...


and to able to hear him snore.


and stopping by some odd place here and there for some bibingka or some pandesal or for some coffee because we were hungry.


taking photos...


going to churches, old landmarks, lazy towns and actually stopping by the markers to read them then to leave them.


to listen to his stories and talk about the future ahead of us...


to not speak to each other because of an argument that we didn't know how it started...


then to make up in the car afterwards :)


holding his hand.




It was intense to be with him the whole time.  So intense that it scared me a little. I dare say it was romantic even. It felt like I was in some early 90's European movie directed by dead filmmaker. It was so good that at the back of my head I was telling myself that this was it. This was it. Nothing more.   This was the film's climax and we're not even half way through because of budget constraints.  My evil psychic twin was telling me to expect the dreadful peripety to come falling on my head like brimstone and he was also telling me that there would never be a denouement or some form of catharsis in this story.  The dread would come to me in moments. Just seconds really.  Moments that I found most memorable and endearing.  I had to mentally slap myself everytime that feeling crept out of my skin.


I realize that trusting him more was irrelevant now.  Nor him trusting me. 


I had to trust us. 


I realized that somehow, I had to learn how to write this story, our story, with him. 

Hong Kong
We parted in Hong Kong. We stayed there for a night in some decrepit building that hosted a lot of tourists and people who were just passing through.  It was cheap.  It was small space on the 15th floor and it looked like a holding cell.  I think his car was even bigger. It was nice. 


We walked the streets of Kowloon trying to find Mixian (rice noodles) and ended up with instant noodles served with Chinese Spam. It was expensive.  We walked and walked till our feet got tired.  He held my hand the whole time.  It surprised me.  In the Philippines I had to stop myself from holding his hand or putting my arm around his waist when we were in public. I slipped most of the times.  He would sorta flinch (he did it a coupla times).  In Hong Kong he was a bit different. He was more forward. 


We parted in the airport.  He was gate 64 and I was gate 28. 
My plane landed in Beijing. It was snowing that day.  I told you that already.


Its been almost a week and I could still smell him. I guess I have it bad then.

I can feel the sun orredy.

Waiting for my flight.   Been a long while since I posted somethin here.  Beijing Capital Airport  is makin me so hard right now that I couldn't sit still on my swivel chair. 

I can't wait to go to the Coconut Republic. Like feel the sun on me and get a wiff of that Manila Carbon Emissions.  Yum.

Too bad I won't be able to see Obama's inauguration.  It's supposed to be a big thing. Well, it is a BIG THING.  History in the fucking making.  The first ever Hawaiian President, I mean, who could beat that.  I wonder if there would be Hawaiians present there.  I hope Obama doesn't fart during his swearing in ceremony.  Well, I actually hope he does; that way people would actually realize he is human after all and not some Christ/Krishna/Simba figure head. Still sucks that I don't get to watch the inauguration.

I suddenly have the urtge to take a huge dump now.  I love airport Johns.  They're so clean and pristine and holy.  No wonder some senators can't help but cruise in them.

right now

I am in a hostel in beijing, whoring the wifi connection.
A lot has happened in the past weeks.
I promise an update soon.
But let me just whore the free wifi for now.

Spling. Trains. Dalian. Samuel L Jackson's Schlong and some other things.

April 19
Friday
2 pm Beijing Time

TRAINS

I am comfortably seated on a hard seat en route to the coastal city of Dalian. I'm traveling with one of my Chinese buddies, Qiu Min and we're going to Dalian to see our friend Dalton, who currently works there. Two hours ago, I was sitting by the exit window beside the trash bag, while being ashed by passenger smokers {couldn't blame them because Qiu Min and I were at the smoking section of the train which was also the trash section which is also the exit way. Meh}. It was a good thing that me and my Chinese friend were able to find an empty seat during the last stop, or else we would be spending the next eight hours sitting beside cigarette butts, ashes, and the trash bag, oh yeah, not to mention spit {Somebody spat like half a foot away from me two hours ago and I was thankful enough that it didn't ricochet in my direction}

SPLING

Didn't I mention it was spring already? Aaaaahh spling. Just saying it makes me get a boner. My shitsville of a city is so beautiful during springtime. It becomes some place else, almost surreal. Almost like one of the scenes in Kurosawa's Dreams. Greens, blossoms, warm weather, skirts, shirtless dudes. Priceless. People in these areas, both expat and local, start to shed off their winter duds come spring time. You get to see more skin and they start to become more pleasant in your eyes. Even I look more pleasant in springtime methinks.

RUNNING

I've been running lately. It's warm, so I run. Speaking of running, I have this recurring dream that I am running naked in some rice field or wheat field or corn field or something. Weird. It's hardly erotic I think. I mean, imagine yerself, running in your birthday duds with all that flora and fauna getting in contact with yer lil Omar. Talk about chafing yer balls.

RICE FIELD

My train is passing a rice field now. It's one big rice field. I remember the time when I was 17 and I was in the middle of a rice field and under a mango tree . Damn, I was a tweener and horny.

INSTANT NOODLES

I haven't eaten instant noodles/two minute noodles/fanbianmian in months. I only ate some on the train. Maaaaaaaaan it's so good. Thank God for the late Momofuku Ando {the dude who invented instant noodles and I have an entry about him}and for MSG! Mr. Ando, you da man!

DALIAN
12 hours, 3 different kinds of seafood and two and a half cups of instant noodles and a can of beer later...

I just came out fresh from the shower feeling really bloated after eating all that seafood and ramen noodles and I am almost ready for bed. I am billeted in this nice hotel/apartelle room with Qiu Min and Dalton, our host. The hotel {I forgot the name} is somewhat of an apartelle and some people actually time share it or something. Dalton tells Qiu Min and I that his family has a VIP card so we get some discount. He also told us that he heard some moans here and there when he checked our room before he fetched us at the train station. The three of us think that this hotel is a place where good things happen outside of marriage. Sweet.

Our room is sort of like a studio place with two beds, a kitchenette, a shower and toilet, fridge, microwave, mini washer, cable and airconditioning. Pretty nice, like a bachelor's pad. No internet which is a bummer. I still need to do some work and I asked my Chinese friend Dalton if I could get a modem or maybe I could just go to a cafe. He said, “We'll see.” I hope he does see because my boss is gonna kill me.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S SHLONG

A while ago, during dinner and cigarette break, Dalton, Qiu Min, and I were watching some cop movie that starred Kevin Spacey and Samuel L. Jackson. Then Qiu Min asked me if I know or have any black friends. I told them yes. Then Dalton asked me if black guys have big dicks. I was like, erm I really dunno dudes. I was tempted to tell them that if I ever do sleep with one I'd be sure to tell them if this popular belief in among Chinese about black men having big shlongs is true. The two were silent and stared back at the tv screen while the movie focused on the wounded Samuel L. Jackson lying on a stretcher in an ambulance while the camera focuses on his police badge which was conveniently placed o

n his crotch. Well, his left pant leg or whatever.

FLIP FLOPS
8 hours later...

I woke up this morning with this odd sensation that I am in somebody else's bed. I am. I open my eyes and stretched in bed and scratched my nuts. I got off of bed and went to the terrace and a view of Dalian greets me. Nice weather. Still a bit chilly but the weather report says that it was gonna be sunny today so I'm optimistic. I showered and debated if I was gonna wear shorts and flip flops. Dalton and Qiu Min found it funny that I should wear shorts and flip flops. The hell should I know that it was still gonna be cold in Dalian during this time of year. I mean, I live further up north and it was like Miami already. 30 degrees Celsius. The highest temperature in Dalian was 21. I actually did know, but I was stubborn and still took my shorts and flip flops {which I borrowed from my friend Davin}. The two of them told me to wear something warmer, like a jacket and a pair of jeans. I had jeans but I didn't bring my jacket. I decided to wear denims and flipflops and brought my back pack along with Consuelo {my laptop} and my shorts. I told myself “Fuck this, I didn't borrow these flops and brought along me shorts for nothing! I'm gonna be wearing them even if I freeze to death!”

THE HAIR IN OUR SWEET AND SOUR PORK
1 hour later

The three of us are seated in a Chinese restaurant which Dalton and Qiu Min tell me, is a fairly popular restaurant all over China. It even has several branches in Dalian. I think we were the first customers for the day because when we entered they were still cleaning the toilets and some of the staff still had sleep on their faces. We got ourselves a table ordered. We waited for quite a bit. We did small talk that mostly consisted of what was on the docket for the day. Dalton was taking us to this theme park which was OK by me though I would've just preferred to chill on the beach and drink bear and smoke fags and sleep. But Dalton said that it still wasn't good to swim around this time of year, so I relented. So there we were waiting for our brunch that consisted of some nasty looking mutton soup, eggplants, and sweet and sour pork and three bowls of rice. When it came we ate. Then Dalton noticed something. HAIR. I dunno if it's human hair but there's hair, on our sweet and sour pork. He calls the waiter. The waiter denies it was hair. It was prolly some remnant of some chemical reaction between the vinegar and the pork fat and the spices and shit but it wasn't hair. Dalton asked if he could talk to the manager. The waiter said something that I didn't understand, but it was quite clear to me that we weren't gonna be able to talk with the manager. Dalton asked the waiter what they were going to do about it. The waiter said he didn't know. Dalton said “You better do something about it”, in a firm but polite voice. The waiter excused himself. The three of us looked at the hair and then at each other. I placed the haired sweet and sour pork on a tissue put it aside just in case the jury wanted evidence. Since the waiter's would most likely not do anything about it, we concurred that we eat the wretched sweet and sour pork. So we ate. I focused on the pineapples and the bell peppers.

We did get a discount however. Like a dollar fifty. Meh.

THE BEACH. THE OCEAN THEME PARK WITH CLOWNS THAT ROCK AND ROLL, AND WITH A CHICKEN AND A CONDOM FOR MASCOTS
2 hours later

After the sweet and sour pork. I asked Dalton and Qiu Min if I could have an hour at the coffee shop so I could finish up some work. We found a coffee shop with adequately priced coffee and awesome Internet connection. After that we headed up for the Lover's Lane in Dalian which is basically a nicely manicured road on a hill where most newly weds drive their cars for pictures and shit. We were not the only ones walking, there were a good number of tourists and locals trying to enjoy the nice warm weather. We took some pictures along the way. I saw a castle along the way which turned out to be Dalian's Shell Museum. It looked so out of place and it looked like it popped out from a Brother's Grim fairy tale. Then I saw the beach. I asked Dalton and Qiu Min if we could stop by for a while. Dalton said yes, but for a while {he's a take charge kinda guy}. So we did. I finally got to wear me shorts! Booya. The entrance was 2 yuan which was ok. There was quite a crowd there too. I wanted to swim but the water was freeeeeeezing. Three of us did try to soak our feet a coupla times or more but it was freeeeeeezing. Meh. I wish that my city was by the bay. Well, at least I get to wear shorts in Dalian. And flip flops too.

Speaking of flip flops. They're killing me. Davin warned me that they hurt his feet when he wears them. Stupid me didn't listen because I thought they looked so hot in my feet {they do} and decided to borrow them from Davin. My feet look hot but they started complaining after two hours with the motherfuckers. What sucks was that I had to wear them for the whole day since I left my shoes at our hotel room.

3 hours later
The flipflops are still killin my feet. But at least I look hot in them.

We're in the Ocean Theme Park. The tickets were $27 US {which I find too expensive. Meh, I'm Asian so sue me}. It's pretty OK tho. It has shitloads of giant aquariums/aquatic museums, dolphin shows {no Orca's just flippers}, park rides {which you still had to pay for despite of the $27 ticket!}, and other attractions like a bird sanctuary and bungee jumping {which you also had to pay. I wanted to do it but I didn't bring enough money with me... Sucks being poor on holidays! I wonder if there's a Do-It-Yourself Bungee kit?}.

I didn't bother watching the dolphin show because I saw dolphin shows on TV already. So I just wandered around the aquariums while Dalton and Qiu Min and the rest of the park goers were watching flipper do the hula. I just realized that it really feels good to be the only person in an aquatic museum. I feel some sort of connection with the belugas, the sharks, the walruses, the sea turtles, the sea lions and the polar bears who are inside a Plexiglas cage. Or maybe it's just me. I took my time in the aquariums. Then the show finished so I had to meet up with Dalton and Qiu Min.

The theme park has cute staff members tho which is a plus. I just love men that smell of fish. Erm, forget that I said that. I mean it.

DONUTS
4 hours later

The three of us found this place that sell donuts. It turned out to be the same coffee shop chain that I went to this morning. The donuts we're nothing miraculous but they were close to home. I came in my pants eating two caramel glazed donuts. I was in an orgasmic daze while the three of us were walking towards the market where Qiu Min was supposed to buy his starfish {don't ask me why}. They could tell I came in my pants. Donuts.

BULGOGI - GOD'S GIFT TO KOREANS
2 hours later

The three of us met up with Dalton's girlfriend, Scarlet. I gave her the name Scarlet because she wanted an English name and her Chinese name meant “deep red”. She had been using the name “Scarlet” for almost two years but with the wrong spelling thus the wrong pronunciation. SCOWLLEN , which was really kilometers away from Scarlet. But whatever. I'm in China.

Bulgogi. Is. God's. Gift. To. Korean-kind.

And to me.

I love Bulgogi.

Bulgogi rocks.

I had a hard on while eating it.

I'm having a hard on just writing about it.

SEA URCHINS. INSTANT NOODLES, YET AGAIN
12 hours later

I Have consumed my 5^th instant noodle. And I seriously think I should be off of it for a while. I dunno how much MSG my body could handle. Dalton made Qiu Min and I eat sea urchins. Raw. Like a sea urchin cut in the middle with its innards showing and its spikes still movin. Trying to summon my inner macho man {Village People style yo}. I poured vinegar on the sea urchin and scooped up the yellow slimy substance that I was supposed to eat. It wasn't bad. Though I would've liked it cooked. I washed my mouth with instant noodle soup. I can still taste the slime. I think I need to drink mouthwash. Or vodka. I think I'm gonna go vegetarian for a coupla days or so.

TRAINS. MY GAYDAR UPGRADE

5 hours later.

I'm on the train. A sleeper train, thank God. I'm finishing up this blog entry. Qiu Min is sleeping. I'll be arriving in Changchun at 4.30 in the morning. Then I go straight to work.

I just finished texting a friend of mine in Changchun. Turns out that my gaydar is fucked up. I don't know who's gay and who's not not unless they have rainbow flags and an NBC logo on their foreheads. I seriously need an upgrade. Looong Story and I'm waay to knackered to write, meh. That's another blog entry.

CHILLIMANJARO.... Weather. Holidays. and My Friend Stu the Stripper.

I'm naming this blog entry Chillimanjaro. I dunno how I came up with the word, but I like it. It kinda sounds like Mt. Kilimanjaro and chill. A mountain of chill. Booya. I'm in chillimanjaro mode right now. Omar is chilling like a leftover tv dinner in yer mom's fridge.

I just love wireless by the way. I'm writing this blog entry in my bathroom. Wendy is in the living room watching some movie. She prolly thinks I'm jerkin off to porn.

The weather in my part of the Noodle Kingdom has been super freaky recently. Like yesterday it was nice and sunny. But when I went to work today it was 2 degrees! 2 degrees!!!!!!! Global warming yo.

The May Holidays are a comin' and I'm planning to go to Beijing to meet { }. I'm sorta psyched. Well, ok, I'm super psyched. { } and I are planning to go to Yunnan Province for a few days. I've been there many summers ago but { } hasn't and he wanted to see the fabled Shangri-la and the Old Town of Lijiang. I'm also going to meet my Chinese friends in Dalian next Friday. I need the sea breeze and warmer weather so I decided to spend next weekend in Dalian. I'm planning to blog in these two places so you will see pictures. I guess I'm bringing Consuelo {my laptop} with me, then.

So much for that.

On to the jucier bits of this blog entry.

I have a friend named Stu {which is not his real name of course as he currently works for an organization of high esteem } who is currently in dire need of extra cash because his current employer is not paying his proletariat ass on time. So, Stu being the creative American of Semitic decent he is, decided to take matters in his own hands. He did what any able-bodied American would do in times of recession - he sought part time work. As he was sending out his CV to various whatnots and shitnots, Stu met my other friend Lily who happened to know of a certain job offer only available this Saturday night. Yep, a one time only job offer of sorts. Should he accept, Stu will be paid 1,000 yuan ( approximately $142) this Saturday night. The only catch is that he has to dance naked to the tune of stripper songs in some Russian bachelorette party. Like I said, Stu being American did it the American way, he booya'd himself and started practicing his moves to various tunes that ranged from Cher to Erasure. Of course, his ever supportive friends from the Noodle Kingdom {Me, Wendy, Lily and Skye} became his guinea pigs. We gave him some pointers, like which songs to pick and what to wear. Among his friends, Lily was the only one who has not experienced being in a strip club {which is ironic since she was the one who got Stu the gig - which technically makes her the pimp. Booya}. I've been in a strip club once... ok twice. OK three times {I'm gonna burn in hell!}. Wendy and Skye have seen a strip show once. Stu has been in a girly bar sucky sucky suck suck one too many. OK, we're basically corrupting Lily here, but hey, she was drunk and she was getting 20 percent commission.

We finally coaxed Stu to perform for us {we were bored and tired of Chinese TV, so yeah } so he went into the kitchen to practice. Then to the bathroom where there was a big mirror. Then to the kitchen yet again. After 40 minutes and like 10 attempts of getting through the second stanza of Peaches' Fuck the Pain Away, Stu finally managed to dance to the whole song.

The verdict.

First, let me say that it was surreal. Who da thunk that one of my friends would actually strip for cash? Good thing I don't have a moral compass. Anyways, the verdict. It wasn't bad actually. He needed practice but his performance wasn't terrible either. Although there was the bit when he almost knocked his Mac during his routine. I was hoping Stu would fart during the performance because it would have been hilarious to actually hear a stripper fart. We did give him one advice though. Well, Wendy and i did. It was all in the hips. Like hips don't lie, yo.

I received a text message while I was typing this entry. Stu got the job. So he's shopping for a thong tomorrow.

Sadly, this is not Stu my readers. I needed a picture of a stripper so I googled one. If this were Stu, I'd be paying him ten dollars for a lapdance {whutcanisayi'mcheap}

I reckon he's pretty excited. I told him to practice and make his friends proud and shit like that.
I'm proud of Stu here for taking matters on his own hands and grabbing it by the balls and all that crap. I seriously doubt he's doing this for the money though { although he does need some extra cash }. I think its more like he's doing this because for the thrill of checking it off his To Do List.

Questions. {** are my answers}

• Would you have the balls {or the ovaries} to do what Stu did?**I would've, honestly. Lily asked my why I wasn't doing it. I said the customers were girls. Now, if the customers were 80 something farts that have trust funds that could adopt 69 Malawi children, then I'd definitely do it!
• Would you strip tease for money or for thrills? ** Both. Meh. I'm greedy.
• Which three songs would you pick for your number? ** BAT OUT OF HELL BY MEATLOAF. 20TH CENTURY BOY {PLACEBO VERSION}. GOOD OLD FASHIONED LOVER BOY BY QUEEN
  

New Years. Eggs Benedict. Beijing.

I never thought 2007 would end, but it did. I am thankful and relieved that I was able to come out of it unscathed (I may have a couple of bruises here and there but hey, I’m still one piece). I celebrated the New Year in Beijing working and playing. Wendy, my future roommate, came with me to Beijing. She wanted to spend the new years dancing to good music (which we did). Where else could you find good dance music but a gay club? So we went to a gay club called Destination {mudidi in Chinese}. Destination is a popular gay dance and lounge club in Beijing. Gay locals and expats in Beijing call the place Desperation yet they still go there {I guess a lot are going desperate these days}. Wendy enjoyed herself thoroughly, but her only complaint was that nobody was hitting on her and guys were hitting on me. I actually felt good that people were hitting on me. I mean, I’ve been in Freezeville so long and I was already wondering if I had bad breath or body odor or something. People kept glancing and touching and groping, and well let’s just say a lot of people are going desperate these days. So desperate Wendy and I stayed in the gay bar till 3-ish am then I finally told her I had enough so we went looking for a straight bar that played “funky house” so guys could hit on her. True enough we found a straight bar that said out front that it played funky house. It didn’t it was like the music that Freezeville usually plays in its bars. Gay clubs really play the best music. The only consolation for Wendy was three guys started hitting on her. The only consolation for me was that there was a couch where I could actually lie down and rest my eyes. When I got tired of sleeping and Wendy got tired of being hit on, we decided to go and look for a place to eat. An American guy tagged along not actually knowing that I was with Wendy. The guy had an I NEED TO GET LAID IT’S NEW YEARS AND I’M ALREADY TURNING 25 IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS AND I NEED SOMETHING IN MY LIFE THAT WOULD ACTUALLY PASS FOR THE GREAT LEAP FORWARD SO MAYBE RANDOM SEX WOULD DO IT look on his face. Wendy was thinking about eggs benedict and he was thinking about her mammary glands. The poor guy paid for the taxi to go to this 24 hour brit pub that served good greasy meals and when we got a table, he pretended to phone his friend and left. Wendy didn’t care. She wanted her eggs benedict and by god she was gonna have it. She later told me that the guy was rude. He was sorta. Still, I hope he got laid that morning. He’s not my type mind you, I kind of feel for the guy. If you could’ve seen his face. He had that I NEED TO GET LAID IT’S NEW YEARS AND I’M ALREADY TURNING 25 IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS AND I NEED SOMETHING IN MY LIFE THAT WOULD ACTUALLY PASS FOR THE GREAT LEAP FORWARD SO MAYBE RANDOM SEX WOULD DO IT look and it was just too depressing to look at. Or maybe it was just that he had too much chemicals in his system. Well, there’s always the Chinese New Years.

By the way, eggs benedict just tastes heaven. I have to learn how to make those bastards.

Beijing is just a different city. It is a world on its own. Without the Chinese characters, it barely looks like the Beijing I saw when I first came to China. It’s like every time I visit Beijing, there’s always something new. And it’s kind of scary sometimes. I was going to my client one morning and I didn’t want to be late so I took a quick shower, left Wendy in our hotel room and took a cab to the designated place for the meeting. It was an unusually clear day for Beijing that morning and I was wondering if the green measures that the Chinese government is implementing in Beijing are finally paying off. I tried my best not to take out my digital camera and take pictures because I figured that I was far too sinofied to be taking pictures in a taxi cab. As I was nearing the Central Business District, I saw the new and almost finished CCTV Tower. Grotesque was the word that came to my mind when I saw the monolith looming over the Central Business District. It was mesmerizing for a split second then it became another thing for me. I’d prolly begin to appreciate it after a few decades or so. In its defense there are other buildings that are far uglier. And besides, the Eiffel Tower got the same treatment from assholes like me in its early years. Meh.

Beijing is a beautiful city. It’s ugly too. But then again, like what my boss said, all cities are like that. One thing that I noticed in Beijing is that people have clear cut spaces that they occupy. Especially expatriates. I was in that pub with Wendy eating her eggs benedict (I ordered burger and fries and I was still hungry) and I was discreetly observing people around. Almost all the patrons that time were foreigners. I could actually tell which ones were fresh from a China Southern Airline flight and which ones were just passing through and which ones who’ve been in China for a long time. Don’t ask me how but I feel it, and most of the time I’m right. It’s with the look. The way they dress. The way they talk and carry themselves. It’s with the way they order food. It’s many things actually. Then there was this guy that sat beside our table. It was clear that he’s been in Beijing (or China) for quite a while now. North American. Early forties. Eating his pizza while consuming half a bottle of vodka with tonic on the side. I made a mental note on how he responded to Wendy. Wendy was just so happy and giddy that she found eggs benedict, and mostly drunk, I guess. I didn’t stop her because I knew she was having way too much fun and she was pretty much harmless. She wanted to make small talk with the guy while we were both waiting for our food to arrive. The guy’s reply was both curt and condescending which Wendy, in her half drunken stupor, noticed. I just smoked my Marlboro’s and continued observing people. I focused my eyes on the Brazilian party on the other table. They were clearly enjoying themselves, probably students studying Chinese. The food arrived. We ate Wendy and I, the man ate his pizza and drank his vodka. Wendy was muttering something while she was on mid bite. She wanted to make more small talk with the prick {her words} just to piss him off but she held her tongue. We enjoyed our food and talked and ate and talked and ate and smoked. It was clear to the guy that we were out-of-towners and I could actually hear what he was thinking – “Tourists. Why don’t you just finish taking pictures and get on the next train to bumfuckwhereeveritisyouwork”, I could almost hear the words. And I bet my brown ass Wendy could hear it in her head too. Then again I didn’t care. It was the first day of 2008 and I was eating my friend’s eggs benedict and smoking Marlboro’s and drinking iced lemon tea. I looked around the room and apparently, all the others had that same afterglow look on their faces. Well, except the guy beside us. In fact, he was the only one eating without a companion. Which was, in a way, kind of sad. He reminded me of the guy who wanted to have sex with Wendy. That guy had the look of I WANT SEX EVEN A BLOWJOB WOULD DO written all over his face, but the guy beside our table had another kind of look. A look that said, LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME EAT MY FUCKING FOOD AND DRINK MY FUCKING VODKA YOU FUCKING TOURISTS. I actually felt something for the guy. I mean, I’m not attracted to him or anything but it’s just that my Ms. South Carolina gets over my normal self sometimes and I want to make the world a better place and eradicate illiteracy in South Africa and the betterment of Asia in general, thank you world peace, bow, wave, smile and pose. Ms. South Carolina or not, the guy needed a hug or a pat on the back. I wanted to hug him and tell him that it was all going to be alright. That life, in all it’s vicissitudes was actually beautiful and awesome and worth living.

So did I do it? Did I go all Leo Buscaglia on the guy and sang kumbaya in his face? Fuck hell no! What would you expect from a guy with a two minute attention span?! And besides, I was way too focused on the eggs benedicts. Let him think we are fucking tourists {well, we basically were}. He got up and left. I finished Wendy’s eggs benedict and drank some of her coke and lit a fag. And I looked at Wendy and told her “Happy New Year”. She did the same. I looked at her breasts; those mounds of flesh that those three men in the straight bar {that played fake funky house music!) were all pining for. They were indeed beautiful. And I dare say that they were very happy at that moment.

early spring, on iona ferrari and the quest for my drag name

oh yes, spring comes early this year in my part of the planet. thank global warming for that and all the transnational companies that encourage global warming. and oh yes, the smokers too put's out the cigarette and pops a breath mint}. so yeah, its been quite warm the past week that i rarely wear anything except my jacket and a t-shirt and a pair of jeans without the long johns. around this time last year, i was still wrapped with a a ton of clothing just to keep warm. when i went out today to have a noodle fix, all the snow in my compound has already melted. ahhhh spring. i just love it, but the winds in these parts are just atrocious. scary even {imagine a banshee singing the russian anthem}.

things i'm itching for

1. i can't wait to go back to work. honest. my whole body is screaming for work already.
2. i can't wait to go back to the gym. i know it sounds superficial but i haveta keep in shape {with my smoking habit and all} and besides, it gives me a little distraction from OTHER things. the gym's been closed for 2 weeks coz of the chinese spring festival. its gonna open tomorrow and i'll be there to cut the ribbon and shit and hit the treadmill.
3. i miss running outside. prolly in a months time i can go back to running outdoors again. bhut for now, i have to stick with the treadmill.

by the way. my friend david {another david, honestly there are so many davids in this world that i think future parents should need to look for new names if they want to name their son OR daughter david} went to the philippines for a two week vacation. david's an american expat living in china for almost a decade now. he's a businesman slash performer slash husband {has a chinese partner} slash diva. i've only known him for 3 months but i've seen him on television specials here in china since day one {i've been here for almost 5 years}. he's what you'd call a one man show. he sings, he acts, he owns a coupla businesses, he's gay, he's partnered, he's a father the whole nine yards. anyways, david and i met in the most unusual circumstances {long story. and too lazy too tell}. so when he told me that he was planning to visit the philippines for two weeks, i was sorta surprised. i kinda figured him out to be a thailand guy or a bali guy. i asked him what was it that made him want to go to the philippines. he told me that he got tired of thailand and he wanted something a bit more "low key". he's heard about palawan and he wanted to check out el nido and/or aman pulo. he was in need for some advice about what to do and shit and the gay life in manila and palawan and whether to choose amanpulo or el nido.

so i gave my 20 cents worth. i told him that amanpulo was waaaay too expensive so i suggested el nido instead. about gay life, i told him some of the places that he could vheck out when he's in manila. although not the partying kind, david asked me if there were any bear bars in manila. i told him that i didn't know. i checked with the google god but there weren't any. come to think of it, why aren't there any bear bars in manila? i think there is a fairly good number of bears in manila.

food for thought to all the gay entrepreneurs out there, why are all the gay clubs and hang outs focused on one type of crowd? {like i should ask that question}. well, at the risk of over generalizing, many gay clubs are focused on the young ones - the nouveau gay, the twenty something crowd and the early thirtyish demographic. granted they have the money, especially them young ones who'd just be willing to spend hard earned cash for a friday night out. but hey, theyre not the only ones who have money to spend. just a thought. although i haven't really checked out the gay scene that well when i went back to manila last summer but when i asked some of my gay friends about having a bear bar, they told me they didn't know of any. in fairness to the gay establishments in manila, recent years has shown a whole lotta improvement when it comes to the urban gay nightlife. gone are the nights when you have to go to some cockroach infested cinema or a pissed smelly park just to see or experience something gay. there are actually a whole lotta choices now. there's the prverbial gay bar when you can have a lay for pay, the karaoke stand up comic clubs, the gaypubs when you can have a drink or two {and then some}, the bathouses and of course the quintessential QaF/babylon themed clubs that many young party goers {gay or straight} flock to. however, the the gentrification of the gay scene in manila also has or have its downside{s}. meh! whatev, i'm already waaaaay outta topic now. all i'm saying is that i hope that there will come a time in gay manila when a gay man/woman can enter a bar and not be judged by the clothes they wear, the language that they use, the portable phones that they carry, and the mannerisms that they unconsciously show. meh, i'm a fcuking dreamer. but who knows? anything can happen right?

anyways, back to david. he came back a coupla days ago and we were chatting online about his experience in the philippines.

so he went to manila to stay for a coupla days. i asked a good friend to help him out while he was in manila. what was supposedly a two day stay in manila turned out to be a 5 day stay because he didn't make any reservations to a hotel and a travel agent and all. poor david thought that it would have been easy to make settle those things in manila since he was able to do the same thing in thailand and in europe. i had to tell him {as much as i hated to } that our tourism industry is not {yet} at par with thailand or even eastern europe for that matter. he continued telling me that he had fun in el nido. but he was surprised to find out that there weren't any banks or atms on the island. he told me that in thailand {grrrrr} it was easy to find banks and shit. that was his only issue {thank god} but he told me he had a relaxing time in el nido. there was also a crew of french people on location filming a french version of survivor. he even got laid there. and oh yeah he loved the food.

ok, the philippines may not be a thailand but it does have its own charms, my coconut republic. all in all, he didn't have a bad time in the philippines. he told me that he might even go back for another vacation. but he told me he'd be prepared to carry traveller's check and a whole lotta credit cards.

i do miss my coconut republic. even the smog. and the rallies and demonstrations {are there still any?}. the street food. the jeepneys. and the heat. oh the heat. i miss the heat. i was telling all these things to david and he kinda figured out that i was a little bit homesick. so he decided to change the topic of our chat conversation. he started talking about the time when he went drag.

david in drag.

it would've been a sight. he plans to show me his pics in drag the next time we meet in person. i asked him if he had a drag name. he told me had two. one was IONA FERRARI. i reckon, it is fabulous. i keep imagining david, this 50 something gay white man, in a sequins cocktail dress, with makeup and shoes and a bag to boot. iona ferrari. it cracked me up. the other one was just recently made up. i guess she got tired of the iona ferrari bit being kinda hard core and fast paced {his early years} and decided on a subtler, more laid back name - DEE DEE DOUBLEDEE. i said what? well, he is from tennessee so i can't blame him. i told him i liked the iona ferrari name better. but he told me DDDD was prettier.

Dee Dee Doubledee... hailing from tennessee. swingin in a tree. yeah, i guess it was a better name than iona ferrari.

he did tell me that i'd look good in drag. but he told me i had to get rid of the goattee and have my eyebrows plucked. i told him the thought of doing drag at least for one night in my life had occured to me. truth be told i really do want to go in drag at least once {or maybe more if i liked it LoL}.

maybe one of these days, in the not so distant future, Omar will walk the streets of < insert any city of choice... i mean any city including tehran for that matter > in a chanel cocktail dress, cartier accessories and fuckin jimmy choos. or maybe i'd be wearing the latest duds in the women's department from costco or walmart or pigglywigglys. fuck a dress is a dress, so whatever.

david tells me that i have to have a drag name. he's right by the way. i can never do drag without having a drag name. he gave a suggestion

FILLA MEA UPPA. i told him it was kinda slutty. it sounds really foereign but its still sounds slutty. it was like dee dee doubledee on crack and booze. i wanted something like iona ferrari. filla mea uppa's kinda like saying :

im-not-a-slut-but-i-do-like-a-good-load-on-my-face-once-in-a-while.

so i told him that filla mea uppa's gotta go. and i ain't shavin my goattee or plucking my eyebrows either. maybe the goatte but the eyebrows no can do.

i'm even thinkin if i can go drag with 5. he did tell me once that he wanted to go drag at least once in his life. maybe we can do it together. ehehe. i think it would be hot though. me and him wearing cocktail dresses and killer shoes. and kissing. dayumn. now i can't wait to go drag.

so i'm thinking of my drag name now. it has been occupying my thoughts since last night. i mean yeah, its just a name. but still names are important. especially when you choose your own name. it's a phenomenal experience for me. it's kinda like i'm being born again. i like my chosen name {rufusOmar} and it took me years before i finally made up my mind to stick to that name. now i'm choosing a drag name. i hope it's not gonna take that long to choose a name that will match my chanel cocktail dress and jimmy choos {or if things don't turn out fabulously, walmart/costco and payless}.

whatever. like what a wise queen once said:

it's not the dress that makes you fabulous in drag. its how you channel all the goddesses that came before you that makes you glorious and resplendent.

word.

ni hao BEiJiNG! part 1 {which means there might be a part 2... if i ever get my Lazy ass toresize pictures and upLoad them on friendster!}

too Lazy to make a proper update. but i promise iLL update Later! thats a super promise... so here are the pics i took in beijing! enjoy! {why does this paragraph has so many excLamation points?!?}

first, i'd Like ya'LL to meet my traveL companion in beijing nina. nina's this superkewL bitch who can backpack anywhere. and when i say anywhere peopLe, i mean anywhere! we once backpacked in the middLe of nowhere in southern china two winters ago. we were the onLy foreigners in the viLLage and peopLe were Looking weird at us and they had this whattheheLLwereyoutwothinkincominuphere Look on their faces. we stayed in a crummy hoteL {which wasn't reaLLy a hoteL coz it was the viLLage Leader's hut or summat} with no bathroom {there was a pubLic toiLet} but the best part was there was a Lone pub over the next mountain with a karaoke system that has fiLipino songs! in the middLe of fuckin nowhere!!!! ahhh those were the days. this winter, nina and i are spending 5 days in beijing.

ok foLks, before we go any further, Let's taLk about beijing for a bit. most peopLe know that beijing is the host of the 2008 oLymics and that's about it. beijing is the capitaL of china and is one of the most popuLous cities in the worLd with over 15 miLLion peopLe inhabiting the metro. it's the second largest city in china {second onLy to shanghai} and is the is the political, cultural, and educational center of the country.

ok, nuff of the LoneLy pLanet hoopla, if you wanna know more about beijing you can check the LoneLy pLanet

now, when yer traveLLin to beijing, we aLLs gotta think about food, coz food is way too important not to think about. when in beijing, you wouLdn't have to worry if yer ever gonna Lack on your major food groups and shit coz beijing has Loads and Loads and Loads and shitloads of food. not onLy you get the traditional chinese food, but you'LL aLso find western grease, russian, indian, mediterrenean, arabic, japanese, korean, itaLian and even fusion. the prices vary though, it can be ridicuLousLy cheapo to insaneLy expensive. here are some of the food we ate. website information on beijing. now back to the pics.

a good way to start yer first day in beijing is with grease, grease and Lotsa Lotsa grease! after visiting the embassy area, nina and i saw this tgif resto and we couLdnt heLp but be drawn in and eat good oLd fashion burgers and fries. good Lord, you gotta Love'm fries. oh by the way in china, t.g.i.f. means thank GOODNESS its fridays. funny eh? PRICE {rather expensivo}, but the grease was worth it.

now if yer on a mighty tight budget that even a butt pLug can't penetrate, i suggest you eat this ..... cheapeeyayayaaay. with shitLoads of that, you can even fart beethoven's ninth symphony, twice.

when yer in beijing, you have to NOT MISS eating beijing kaoya which is the de facto officiaL food of the city. it might be super greasy and shit, but the grease is aLL worth it i teLL ya. and it sure as heLL beat then american hamburgers. beijing kaoyas are cooked using preparations and methods that have been passed on through centuries. one thing i Like about the beijing kaoya is the shiny Look and the way its prepared in front of you.

PRICE {can vary from moderateLy cheapo to fuckin mucho expensivo}

of course, if the beijing duck is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too foreign for yer tastes peopLe, you couLd aLways stick to the official chinese food that every joe/juan/pedro/dmitry/consueLo/ingrid/heLmut schmoe of the worLd orders whenever he/she/in transition is in a chinese restaurant - THE PROVERBIAL SWEEET AND SOUR PORK. {moderateLy cheapo}

or you couLd go adventurous by trying out the spicy ones...

PRICE {moderateLy cheapo}

or you couLd go insane by trying to eat this...

PRICE {moderateLy cheapo}

darn, i didn't get to try them barbecued scorpions in wanfujing street. weLL, there's aLways a next time.

oh yeah, the sites. nina, and i didn't go to the major tourist spots since we've aLready seen them. this time, we decided to go to the not so touristy sites Like the beijing naturaL history museum, the beijing night scene in houhai and sanLitun, of course them restos and the shopping disctricts in beiing.

here are some of the pics that i took whiLe on the road.

this sign just greeted me one morning.

beijing is famous for her gates that are mushroomed aLL over the city. this one is the qianmen gate just south of the tiananmen square.

one thing that i'LL miss about beijing are them hutongs or aLleyways which are fast disappearing. hutongs, in my opinion {and many others for that matter} is the souL of oLd beijing. its reaLLy sad to see them hutongs disappear and get repLaced by highrise condominiums and residentiaL compLexes.

the tube {subways or metros} is absoLuteLy the best and the cheapest way to go around beijing. aLmost aLL the major tourist site in beijing is accessibLe by metro. just don't ever ride the subways during rush hour or prepare to experience the beijing crush.

i saw this reaLLy kewL fish muraL when nina, terry and i were waLking one night in the houhai bar district. this was just beside a cafe and a noveLty shop. i couLdn't resist taking a snap. weLL i kinda took Lotsa it.

a totaLLy kewL kickass name for a pub.

mamooth tusks at the beiing museum of naturaL history. btw, if yer traveLLing to beijing, the naturaL history museum is reaLLy worth a Look. the $4 ticket is weLL worth it.

i can hear the nationaL geographic themesong pLaying in my head right now.

dino overLoad. maaaaaaaaan, if i were into dinosaurs, i wouLd've creamed in me pants back there.

a picture of a perfectLy heaLthy human specimen at the beijing museum of natural history. may he rest in peace.

sorry. i just couLdn't heLp it.

nina joining the fray, she's trying to shake katie's hand.
ok, so we didn't see suri hoLmes cruise. whatev. more to cum, hopefuLLy. i'm knackered.