Monday, January 15

The Confessions of an Insom{a}niac XIII { or, the one with my penis on the bLog...}

first and foremost, i Love my penis, so don't get me wrong... i confess that i Love my penis. ok, so it's not what i'd hope it wouLd be {Like 12 friggen inches of hard Luvvvvv machine} but i stiLL Love my Omar-down-there-south-of-me-naveL. damn, god gave it to me, so might as weLL be proud of it! so yeah, i Love my penis.

i just have to decLare it to the worLd. 'coz there are times when a man just has to decLare his manhood to the universe. there are moments when we need to affirm the parts of our bodies that are kept hidden not onLy by our cLothing, but aLso by our norms and Laws, our beLiefs and most especiaLLy our mothers! sometimes i envy them nudists or what you caLL naturaLists. they are so comfortabLe with their nudity that not even an ounce of body fat, breast or peniLe size or even body acne can stop them from going au natureL. darn it! why wasn't i born to a nudist famiLy. it wouLd've been friggen easier! shite! i want to go nekkid damn it!

actuaLLy, i can... {*grins}. thing is, it's Like 10 degrees in my room right now. so if i Lose my duds i'd be freezing my ass off {LiteraLLy} and i have to risk burning my scrawny ass from the radiator just to keep my bLood from circuLating.

so here i am, writing my bLog wearing cLothing yet wishing i had nothing on. ahhh cLothing - an amaLgamation of humanity's creative spirit, paranoia and anaL retention. funny that when i think about it, we go aLL crazy trying to think of what to wear for the day but in the end, they're just textiLe.

{notice to the pubLic: i'm stiLL thinkin of going naked... just for the spirit of this bLog... maybe i shouLd just Light a bonfire in my Living room. that couLd work...}

fuck i'm getting sidetracked with aLL this issue of me going nekkid whiLe i write my bLog.

{focus... focus Omar... focusssssssss... you are one with oprah winfrey and oh yes, the universe too...}

so, yeah... i have to make this decLaration...

worLd, pLease hear me out:

i love my PENIS i love my PENIS

i love my PENIS i love my PENIS

i love my PENIS i love my PENIS

i love my PENIS i love my PENIS

so much for my decLaration.

and why not? but the beter question is, why shouLdn't you? weLL if yer transexuaL, yeah you have a reason to not-Like yer penis. i have a good friend who absoLuteLy wants her penis "reassigned" and i totaLLy respect her for that {notice that i use the personaL pronoun 'her'}, but she teLls me she doesn't hate her penis per se. i cannot think of anymore vaLid reason for not-Liking the penis. there is no reason to not-Like yer dick not unLess you wanna have a sex reassignment surgery.

so whats to Love about your penis? weLL, duuuuuh? how shouLd i know IT'S YOUR DICK NOT MINE! I CAN ONLY VOUCH FOR MY OWN DICK SO MAKE YER OWN PENILE DECLARATION GODDAMNIT!

how do i Love my dick? 3 reasons...

reason no.1
it beautifuL. yeah, i'm a narcissist, so sue me. it's beautifuL. eheheh. not too Long not too short. juuuuuuuust enough for Luvin me muffin* {did i just say that?}

reason no. 2
i Like the way it feeLs between my Legs. i mean, think about it, how'd you feeL if you have nothing dangLing between yer Legs? how wouLd it be Like when i waLk? or run? or jump? or do the twist? or do the chokoLate? or the spaghetti? i just Love how it feeLs in the morning when i wake up {*i can hear diana ross singing.....}, and how it feeLs after a Loooooong days work. and how it feeLs when i'm taking a shower or a nice Long bath.... ok 'nuff of that, i don't wanna get too graphic here. i recentLy found out that i have minors reading my bLog sooooooo yeah, gotta keep it cLean.

reason no.3
i Love touching it. ok, ok, ok! before any of you hoLier than thou peopLe wouLd react and make a moraL comment and shit Like that! i ain't taLking about touching "touching" {we'LL get to that part Later* JOKE! i promised myseLf that this wouLd be soft core so noooo funny business}.

when i say i Like touching it, i meant touch in a NON SEXUAL WAY! Let's face it, guys in generaL, just Love to touch their LittLe pedro's and tom's and sasha's and juan's and pavLov's and conchitas. ehehehehe, and don't ever deny it? if yer a guy and reading this bLog, i ask you this question. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SCRATCHED YER CROTCH? huh? huh? huh? see. you might not even know it but you scratch or "adjust" yer crotch at Least once or twice a day. if you do it way too often it's either you are just a pLain narcissist or you just have a reaL bad case of crabs my friend!

but yes, truth be toLd, guys Love to touch their dicks. not even for scratching. for me it's Like my compass. i need to adjust it to the true north Line. it's Like if its in the wrong position, i'd feeL waaaaay to uncomfortabLe the whoLe day. us guys have our own comfort zones when it comes to peniLe position. Like i said, it's Like a compass that's need to be reaLigned to the north so we don't Lose our way and shit. some Like it skewed to the left or skewed to the right. others Like it head up and proud! some go for the humiLity pose and have it bowed down. the thing is us guys have this incessant need to touch our dicks from time to time just so we can say to ourseLves that "it's stiLL there, thank god." for the women who are reading this bLog {what yer stiLL reading!!!!!!!!????????}, i know, guys are pLain stupid sometimes. so if you see yer boyfriend, yer boss or yer teacher or yer reLative {gawd i suuuuure hope not!}, it's nothing personaL. they just need reaffirmation.

but it's not aLL narcissism, mind you. i honestLy think it's more personaL. caLL me stupid, crazy or a fooL but i think i can reLate with my penis. or rather my penis can reLate with me. Like when i'm sad, my penis is sad. when i'm happy, my penis is happy. when i'm reaLLy happy, oh boy you shouLd see my penis! {or not!}. me and my penis have our share of ups and downs, highs and Lows, good times and bad. in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it's just me and penis and nobody eLse.

there is one thing that i regret though. i had my penis circumcised.bad move omar, waaaaaaay bad. that was reaL Low. i'm not even jewish damnit!i shouldn't have agreed with my parents to have my foreskin cut off!damn it! reaLLy! daaaaaamn it! i don't even Like turtLenecks!everytime i Look at my penis, i teLL him i'm reaLLy sorry for having done this to him. i think he understands though. whatever! if im ever gonna have a son, i wont, and i promise to the heavens, that i wont have him circumcised. fuck that, i'LL wait tiLL he's 18 and ask him if he wants to Loose his foreskin. i swear, if i'm a gaziLLionaire Like schmiLL shmates kathy bates giLL bates biLL gates, i'd have a foreskin reassignment surgery or whatshityouevercaLLit. i swear, i shaLL have my foreskin back!{damnit i knew i shouLda kept it back then!}

but its not aLL bed of roses our reLationship, my penis and i. there are times when he just wont cooperate! he's stubborn Like me. especiaLLy in the mornings. {not that you perves! Let me finish first}. especiaLLy in the mornings when i need to pee so bad.

picture this. i wake up with a bad case of bLoated bLadder and i am a bit disoriented and shit 'coz i'm trying to figure out if im in my bedroom or somebody else's {occupationaL hazard, sucks being a whore, so yeah} so i get up from my bed, drag my ass to the bathroom then scoop him out then Let nature takes it's course. so yeah, there i am, peeing whiLe counting the tiLes in my bathroom or maybe thinking about the human condition or the mystery of Life and the universe... and then when i Look at the progress of my urination, i just reaLize i wasn't peeing on the toilet bowl but on the bathroom fLoor! either that or i'm peeing on my friggen PJ's! and there's nothing worse for a grown man in his prime than to discover that he's peeing aLL over himseLf at 6 in the morning! its humiLiating! no its not just humiLiating, it's down right savagery! i mean, give me a break here. why can't it just shoot straight into the bowL Like it was meant to do? honestLy, i think every toiLet bowL shouLd have a red mark in the center so as to remind the guys and their penises that THE PISS GOES IN HERE, GUMP!

in my defense, i do aim before i shoot! it's just naturaL{duh}. but there are times when my penis just wont fucking cooperate! i aim for the bowL, but my dick decides that its better on the bathroom fLoor or worse, my PJ's or my boxers. there are times when i do make a shot {Like 30%} but most of it stiLL ends up in the bathroom fLoor {or my boxers}. imagine a "V" like piss... or a "W". yuck. Like heLLo! we need cooperation here! it's 6 in the morning and we are not seeing each other eye to eye! sometimes i just want to have a peptaLk with my dick to teLL him about my morning urinary frustrations.

and another thing. i dunno, how many times i "fLick" it after urinating but it seems that no matter how many times i "fLick" it, there wiLL aLways be a Latecomer piss{Let} coming out of my bLadder teLLing my boxers or my skivvies "ooooops, sorry dude, thought it was the toilet water... i guess he didn't fLick enough". nyaargh. its one of the main reasons why i don't wear white underwear! fuck, why don't they even invent pantyLiners for men! {then they wouLdn't be caLled pantyLiners, wouLdn't they?}. sometimes, i'm even tempted to just shove a whole roLL of toiLet paper so it wouLd catch aLL the Late piss! didn't fLick enough my ass. it's god's practicaL joke to man i teLL ya.

it's a Love and hate reLationship i have with my penis {Like any other reLationship}. but aLL in aLL, i Love my penis more than i hate him. i don't even disLike him. sometimes he just annoys me {the morning pissing thing, ya know}. but that's pretty much aLL of it.

i have to thank him for aLL these years of sticking up with me {LoL @ sticking up}. one thing for sure, i stiLL pLan to have my dick when im 64 {even though i plan to die at 40} . and i bet my 64 year oLd ass that i'd stiLL be Loving my dick by that age even when i need to drag him off the fLoor. i Love my penis.

and you shouLd too!

aLL men who Love their penises say, gawddayumnitiluvmyfoockinpaynuz!


oh yeah. by the way...

i'm stiLL wearing my work cLothes, so i guess i didn't go au natureL whiLe writing this bLog. whut? you want me to freeze to death?

Sunday, January 7

farewell, momofuku ando

i write this entry on a sad note...

one of the greatest persons that ever waLked this earth has Left us. it saddens me that another genius has passed away without having the worLd paying him proper respects. i beLieve we shouLd pay momofuku ando with the respect and honor he deserves.

you may not know momofuku ando, but you may know his Legacy for personkind... the instant noodLe. yes, it was momofuku ando who invented one of the greatest yet one of the most underrated food of the 20th century.

one of the finest symboLs of capitaLism {next to mc donaLds}, ando invented the instant noodLe out of the great need to heLp the japanese peopLe of post worLd war 2 japan, who at that time were suffering from food shortages. from his humbLe beginnings, ando's LittLe venture became to be, what is known today, as the nissin food products co., a gigantic company that led to the makings of other simiLar companies that made miLLions and miLLiions of packets of instant noodLes, that fed miLLions of impoverished {and not so impoverished} coLLege students aLL over the worLd... incLuding me.

i have a confession to make. i Love instant noodLes, whatever form, whatever fLavor, whatever brand... they remind me of my sorbetes youth, when everything was just so easy and beautiful and uncompLicated and happy, and yes, instant. i know there's proLLy a thousand reasons to hate the instant noodLe and what it stands for, but as much as i want to, i confess that i cannot. the instant noodLe wiLL aLways be a part of me.

fareweLL, mr. momofuku ando. you may never know how much you have heLped me {and probabLy a thousand other peopLe or maybe even thousands or miLLions} in my coLLege years and during the times when i had nothing Left to eat but a smaLL pack of instant pansit canton because i was as penniLess as a 50 something whore with a bad crack habit... but nevertheLess, i thank you from the bottom of my sorbetes heart. you are one of my heroes. and you wiLL be remembered.

you wiLL be remembered.