Unang Araw by Nazareno

Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na...

Katulad kahapon, nagising na naman akong nakatulala. Pinagmamasdan ang bawat sulok ng kuwarto, lumilipad ang diwa. Maya-maya, biglang sasagi sa isipan ko na kailangan kong bumangon. Kailangan kong maligo, magsipilyo, maglagay ng deodorant, magbihis at pumasok sa trabaho. Kailangan kong umusad at sikaping tapusin ang buong maghapon. Kahit madalas, nakatitig lang sa monitor, puro facebook ang pinagkaka-abalahan at wala akong project na natatapos sa opisina. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ayaw gumalaw ng mga kamay ko para lumikha ng may katuturan, samantalang dati nama’y pakiramdam ko napaka-walang kwenta ng araw ko kapag wala akong natatapos sa maghapon. Kinagabihan naman, imbes na sa apartment ang tuloy ko, dumadaan muna ako sa kapit-bahay ko para makikain at makipag-kwentuhan. Buti na lang yung kapitbahay ko mahilig magluto. Akong taya sa kwento. Minsan inaabot kami ng hatinggabi, kwetuhang walang hanggan, pikunan at tawanan. Kapag may naghikab, ayun ang senyales namin na ayawan na.

 

Ngunit sa pagdating ng panibagong umaga, hindi na blangko ang lahat.

Bubuksan ko uli ang naiwang kuwarto. Kung anong katahimikan ang iniwan ko dito kaninang umaga’y iyon din ang sumalubong sa akin. Parang isang bisitang nahihiya sa pagtanggal ng sapatos, dahan-dahan akong pumasok at marahang isinarang muli ang pinto. Tahimik na nagsipilyo, naghilamos at pagkadaka’y inilapat na muli ang katawan upang hanaping muli ang antok. Mahigit tatlong buwan nang ganito ang araw-araw ko, ang pakiramdam ko. Blangko.

Kahapon, pinilit kong makipagkita sa kanya. Alam kong magdadahilan siya uli upang umiwas pero kailangan ko siyang makausap. Kahit limang minuto lang. At kahit na alam kong huli na ang lahat. May kailangan akong malaman. Hindi katulad ng mga naunang pag-uusap namin, pinilit kong maging kalmado. Siguro nga wala na akong pakialam na magtanong ng mga bagay-bagay sa buhay niya ngayon dahil hindi na naman kami. Nais ko lang bigyan ng hustisya ang sampung taong relasyon namin bilang mag-nobyo at respeto ang dapat sanang plano na naming pagpapakasal. Kahit sino, naghahangad ng malinaw na dahilan upang talikuran ang mga ito. Maraming dahilan ang nabanggit niya sa akin kaya siya nagdesisyong makipaghiwalay dalawang buwan na ang nakakaraan. Karamihan doon ay pagkakamali ko. Sa kabila ng mga ito, nakiusap akong ayusin muli ang aking sarili, ituwid ang mga pagkakamali. Naniniwala akong walang huli sa taong totoong naghahangad ng isang magandang relasyon. Ngunit sa bawat subok ko na makipag-usap sa kanya, lalo lang niyang inilalayo ang sarili sa akin. Dumating ang pagkakataon na nakapagbitaw ako ng hindi magandang salita, dahil sa sobrang pagkabigo. Pakiramdam ko, bigla na lang niyang iniwan sa ere ang lahat-lahat sa amin.

Kahapon, sinabi niya na binubuksan niya na muli ang sarili sa panibagong relasyon.

Pakiramdam ko, bumagsak na ang buong mundo sa likuran ko. Pakiramdam ko, tinutusok unti-unti ang puso ko. Sinabi niyang hindi ang lalaking iyon ang dahilan ng pagbitaw niya. Ngunit biglang nanumbalik sa alaala ko ang mga pagkakataon, ang pagdating ng lalaking iyon sa buhay niya. Naaalala ko ang minsang pagtawag ng lalaking iyon sa kanya habang magkasama kami at kung paano niya ipagkailang kaibigan niya lang ako. Kaibigan niya lang ako. Siya na ngayon ang taong kaya niyang paglaanan ng mahabang oras, ng panahon.

Marahil, may bahagi ang lalaking ito upang tuluyan niya ng iwan ang naghihingalong relasyon namin. Marahil, ayaw niya ng balikan at isalba ito. Ano pa nga ba ang bago? May natitira pa ba siyang lakas upang hawakan muli ito? Marahil kailangan niyang bigyan ng pagkakataon ang sarili sa panibagong relasyon, bagong kasama.

Alam kong kahit anong gawin ko, buo na ang desisyon niya. Masakit man, kailangan kong tanggapin. Kung ang mga pagkakamali ko man, ang pagkapagal niya, o ang lalaking iyon ang dahilan, ang katotohanan, ayaw na niya, at binibitawan na niya ang lahat-lahat sa aming dalawa. At kahit maglupasay pa ako sa harap niya, wala na akong magagawa. Sinasabi man ng puso at isipan ko na gawin ko ang lahat ng dapat gawin ng pagkakataong iyon upang huwag sumuko, mas pinili ko ang magparaya. Ganoon naman ang tunay na nagmamahal, hindi nagdadamot, hindi mapag-imbot.

Ito na ang huli naming pagkikita. Tinahak kong muli ang daan papauwi. Katulad ng dati, Bubuksan ko uli ang naiwang kuwarto. Kung anong katahimikan ang iniwan ko dito kaninang umaga’y iyon din ang sumalubong sa akin. Parang isang bisitang nahihiya sa pagtanggal ng sapatos, dahan-dahan akong pumasok at marahang isinarang muli ang pinto. Tahimik na nagsipilyo, naghilamos at pagkadaka’y inilapat na muli ang katawan.

Ngunit sa pagdating ng panibagong umaga, hindi na blangko ang lahat.

Naunawaan ko na hindi sa tagal ng panahon nasusukat ang lalim ng pinagsamahan.
Hindi porke nasa tabi mo ang isang tao ikaw ang nasa isip niya.
Na mas may puntos ang pagkakamali kesa sa mga nagawang tama.
Kahit anong gawin mo para magtugma kayo sa gitna, marami pa rin makikitang pagkakaiba kung nasa isip at puso na niya na magkaiba kayo.
May makikilala kang mas tugma ang ugali at interes gaya ng sayo.
Natatakpan ng paulit-ulit na pagkakamali ang pag-asa.
Lumalamat sa puso ang sakit.
Kaya mong magpatawad pero di ka nakakalimot.
Parating dumarating ang pagkakataong ikukumpara mo ang kasalukayang sitwasyon sa nakaraan.
Masasaktan at masasaktan ka.
Kaya mong bumalik uli sa relasyon para abangan lang ang pagkakamali.
Kahit ang pinaka-perpektong relasyon ay hindi perpekto.
May bagong tao na darating at muling darating sa buhay mo.
Kung parang damit na naluluma ang relasyon, napapalitan ito.
Darating ang pagkakataon na sasaktan ka ng taong pinakamamahal mo.
Nakakapagod magmahal.

Sa kabila nito, handa ka ulit ihandog ang sarili sa pagmamahal. Katulad ng una, magtitiwala ka na ito ang bubuo sa pagkatao mo. Katulad ng una, hindi mo alintana ang mga darating na pagsubok, dahil hindi mo iyon nakikita. Naniniwala kang mas magiging maganda na ang takbo ng pag-ibig para sa iyo. Katulad ng una.

Para sa nauna at patuloy na nagmamahal, masakit mang bitawan ang binuo ninyong pangarap, kaya niyang magparaya. Katulad mo, isang araw, muling titibok ang kanyang puso. Ngunit kailanman, sa kabila ng lahat, ang bawat butil ng tuwa, haplos at halik na ihahandog niya sa darating na kasalukuyan ay hindi mapapantayan ng ipinagkaloob niya sa iyo.

Ito ang unang araw na wala ka na.

a night with oscar and mrs. robinson

ahh the OSCARS... nothin beats watching the academy awards on a duLL monday night {i had to wait for the delayed and edited teLecast of the 79th academy awards. and yes it was THAT duLL, my monday}.

one thing that i've noticed in this year's academy awards was how the winners were very conscious about their speech time. weLL who wouLdn't be when you've got an audience of the academy's "best" giving you the death stare pLus the orchestra down beLow trying to kiLL yer oscar moment with that sorry-bud-yer-time-is-up-theme.

my personaL bests in the oscars were

1. definiteLy the shadow thing that they did. and they're naked! so says eLLen.
2. the eLements and motion segment in the oscars. that was reaL groovy.
3. meLissa etheridge kissing her wife on nationaL teLevision when her name was caLLed out. now that's the way to kiss a woman!
4. forrest whitaker's moving speech, which was reaLLy weLL, moving.
5. eLLen asking spieLberg to take her and eastwood's pic for myspace. that reaLLy cracked me up.
6. LittLe miss sunshine!

nuff of the oscar buzz. we'LL forget it the next day anyways.

i chatted with a friend today on ym. she was adamant that we taLk. she even wanted to caLL me but i toLd her that my phone was busted. so we chatted. she was in diLemma on whether she shouLd date this cute guy that she reaLLy reaLLy Likes and she kinda needed someone to Listen to her that time {weLL her room mate was out at work so i was the onLy viaLe option. bitch}.

so yeah, i asked her what was wrong and she teLLs me that she met this cute british guy at a pub in beijing Like a week ago and whatnot and the guy was watching footbaLL match in which engLand Lost {that's a nobrainer}. what made her reaLLy attracted with the bLoke was his sad sad ohhhh so sad face when engLand Lost the match. his Look was was Like that of a Lost puppy hiding in some corner trash bin under the pouring rain. weLL,she's a sucker for Lost puppy Looks and i couLdn't bLame her.

so asked her what the probLem was. she wouLdn't answer me. weLL i thought it must be serious if she wouLdn't answer me. so i made guesses to which she would repLy with either a YES or NO.

GUESS #1 is he married?
ANSWER no

GUESS #2 is he gay? {i had to ask}
ANSWER no

GUESS #3 does he have a girLfriend?
ANSWER no {he was with his mates that time so in a pub decorum in beijing it means he's singLe}

GUESS #4 is he a priest? missionary? mormon? scientoLogist?
ANSWER no no no heLL no

GUESS #5 is he in anyway reLated to you?
ANSWER no {gawd he's british!}

GUESS #6 he Likes another girL doesn't he?
ANSWER no. {he was staring at her the whoLe time!}

GUESS #7 is he suicidaL?
ANSWER no. {he was just sad that engLand Lost}

i was getting reaLLy impatient and i was running out of questions and i was waiting for the oscars and the Q&A was getting us tonowhere so i asked the Last stupidest question/guess i could think of

GUESS #8 is he 12?
----------- silence -----------

5 seconds. i teLL you, 5 seconds peopLe.

and i couLdn't heLp but type the words
WELL DON'T WORRY xxxx ... JESUS STILL LOVES YOU, MORE THAN YOU WILL KNOW... WO WO WO...

in which she gave me a bitch repLy.

ok, the bLoke's not reaLLy 12. he's actuaLLy 19 {so he says}. and she's, weLL... {TOOT TOOOT}. Let's just say that in my part of the hemisphere where i grew up she'd be his aunt or even his middLe schooL geography teacher.

so i asked her if she reaLLy Liked him. she told me sorta {meaning she Likes him}. and then i asked her again if she thinks he's reaLLy not a minor with which she repLied back BITCH in aLL caps. ok, i guess i deserved that. so i quickLy consulted the googLe god about the age of consent in engLand and after 0.16 seconds and with about 1,600,000 resuLts {thank you sergey and Larry}, i finaLLy had the answer.

i toLd her not to worry since the age of consent in engLand is 16 {homosexuaL or heterosexuaL}. so she just has to make sure that mr. england puppy face is indeed above 16. and if she's stiLL not sure if the bLoke is not a minor then she shouLd be checking his armpits the next time she sees him just to be sure! weLL, brits are way to hairy anyways, i think they start growing hair when between 7 and 11 {it applies to both of the sexes}. PEACE my goodnatured british friends.

but seriousLy. it made me think though.

why is it hard for women to date/sLeep with younger men but it's so oh so easy for men to date/sleep with younger women?

a foLLow up to that. why do peopLe in generaL think that its not appropriate for women to date/sLeep with younger men whereas it is acceptabLe for men to date/sLeep with younger women?

another foLlow up {i Love foLLow ups}.

WHY NOT?

2 words. DOUBLE STANDARD.

and to think society and cuLture in generaL has advanced in the Last 5 decades or so. mind you, she's not even asian. she's a sophisticated european who can make a mean breakfast and Loves jazz and biLLie hoLiday {you shouLd hear her sing a biLLie hoLiday its awesome and i teLL you its awesome!}.

i guess no matter where you come from, categoricaL prejudices on race, sex, gender, beLief or non beLief aLways share a cLoset space in a person's psyche.

so i gave her my one yuan worth of opinion {since she asked for it}.

fuck them. fuck the peopLe who'd raise an eyebrow. so what? they're not paying your gas and eLectricity. so fuck them. and fuck mr. engLand puppy dog eyes. fuck him Like he's never been fucked before. with protection of course.

i guess that's what she just wanted hear. so she's gonna go on with their date next week or maybe tomorrow or whenever is convenient. good for her.

but i did gave her a coupLa more advice.

better go dutch on the date. never foot the biLL.

and if he wants the two of them to eat at mc donaLds weLL she better run Like heLL coz he sure needs to grow more hair in his armpits.