Thursday, October 23

Must Reads

One of the best articles I've read in a long time.  HERE YO.

Wednesday, October 22

QUICKIES . The 80's

You wouldn't believe what just popped out of my television when I turned it on tonight - Sarah Jessica Parker with 80's hair and a one piece and leotards. I almost choked on what I was drinking.  The movie is no other than GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN {Sarah Jessica Parker, Helen Hunt, Shannen Doherty}  I can't believe the clothing, the hair {oh the hair!} and the color back then.  And don't forget the MIDI music! I miss the 80's dude.  I mean, I was a wee boy back then with no trace of armpit, leg or pubic hair but damn, I sure want to see my sisters wear those ugly leotards and sport ginormous hair that reeked of chlorofluorocarbons. 

I miss the 80's man.  Sure people were dying of AIDS in every corner and they were blaming it on gay people and shit, and the Soviet Union and the US got gazillions of nuclear weapons that might have accidentally taken off and killed half of the world's population, and apartheid was still kewl in South Africa. Fuck yeah, come to think of it, the 80's were not so kewl if you think about those shits.  But dude, food was cheap, i was young, there was Sesame Street, and maaaaaan I miss wearin skimpy shorts and cartoon tees and eating my boogers. O

Saturday, October 18

Shlong Post: Karaoke. Beijing Marathon.

I have to confess that the last 3 weeks have been really terrible for me. I won't go into details but it has just taken a toll out of me and I needed a breather of some sort.   Three days ago, my horoscope told me to chill and relax because my Dharma is getting fucked up.  So that I did.  After three long weeks of isolation, I decided to social.

I met up with my Brit friends last night in Sanlitun {the touristy bar district in Beijing} because it was one of them Brits' birthdays.  I love meeting the Brits. It's like every time I meet up with them I always meet new people.  Just last night I met an American girl who is Scientology curious, an American dude slash artist who spoke awesome Chinese {well he's Chinese American}, two really kewl German girls who are on an internship with EU based NPO's and  and American dude who can really sing a good Ray Charles cover.  The experience always makes me feel refreshed after {and drunk}.  Its prolly because of their youthfulness, or them just being sort of a weird bunch {in a good way}, or the alcohol or just plain nice and old company, but fuck I like meeting up with them.  OK, it was one of them Brits birthdays yeah.  After finishing up with a Cabernet and two pitchers of ice cold margaritas, one of them suddenly had an idea of going to a KTV bar.  I dunno if some of my readers are familiar with the word KTV but it just means karaoke here in China.  I've told you in this blog that I am not a huge fan of karaoke. I mean, I can deal with karaoke for an hour but after that I just get bored and shit.  I mean, I usually sing songs but in my head and shit but not really in a karaoke bar. Its like I always end up sitting in the corner finishing a pack of cigarettes after my threshold hour.  Speaking of KTVs, the Chinese really take their KTV's seriously.  The KTVs in Beijing {and I reckon in many big cities in China} are so swanky and ginormous. They're also expensive {We found that part later on}.

Suprisingly though,  I was able to stay and have fun for the whole time.  It was prolly because that I was so drunk.  I even sang a coupla songs {I don't remember them though, I think it was an Annie Lennox song and one was a Green Day song, meh whatevs}.

I was so drunk and tired and sleepy that night so I decided to crash in the Brits' place.  I met their puppy Lyka {named after the first dog in space,  but Lyke the Brits' dog doesn't understand Russian though}.  The pup kept slobbering me {she's the touchy feely kinda puppy} and I've been told that she loves to bite.  Nice.  My kind of pup.  {Speaking of canines, I have another interesting story to tell you which involves another canine}. So yeah, I slept and woke up early like waaaaay early for me on a Sunday mornin' {9 am},  I never got to say goodbye to them Brits because they were all still asleep.  I took the taxi goin' back to my apartment hoping that I could make it there in twenty minutes because I was still sleepy and I completely forgot about the Beijing marathon {in which my boss was runnin'}.  I never made it to my apartment. I was almost there, like only 500 meters more then I'm in my apartment, but the road was blocked because of the marathon.  I had to wait for the road to be opened which means I had to just sit there on the side waiting for the marathoners to finish passing by.  I couldn't cross the road because there were like a gazillion policemen guarding the roadblock, they prolly woulda shot me if I tried.  So yeah,  I stayed {nothing much I could do really} there and watch them pass me by.  Man,  I have to hand it to these dudes,  it takes major balls and ovaries to run a marathon.  I mean, I like running, but I dunno if I can run 46 km non stop.  I prolly woulda bled to death trying.  I took shitloads of pics , but I ccouldn't post all of them here. So here are some.

there were a lotta shirtless dudes 
like this one for example.  he wasn't running though.  he was mostly panting. 
this dude reminds me of the dude from REM
the dude ran with two flags the whole time! FTW I woulda bled to death doin that.
love this picture
the cutest dude in the marathon.  OK there were a lotta cute dudes but this one gets my vote.  we kinda had a moment.  I was takin pictures and he kinda slowed down and looked directly at the camera because he thought I was takin his pic {I was takin the police dude's pic}. i nodded at him and he nodded.  he smiled and i smiled. then he left the course and we checked in to a run down motel and we made babies to last us till the next winter.  

Thursday, October 16

Who's Joe the Plumber?

OK.  I was watching the final debate on CNN and I heard Mc Cain spoke of Joe the Plumber several times in his spiel.  I turn on the friggen tv after a whole week  of not watching any tube show and whatnot and I hear Joe the Plumber this and Joe the Plumber that. Like, who the hell is  Joe the Plumber?  That really piqued my curiosity. So I decided to google the bloke and these are what I got {believe me, these are the ones that made it to the shortlist}.

OK.  The dude's a caricature. Nuff said.

Not. so. hot.  And he works for bloglines.

erm. no. thank. you.

ooooh. likey likey.  but he's in mongolia, so he's not technically joe the plumber.

hawt. and her name's Jo. But I'm looking for a Joe. :(

OK. I gave up googling the bastard. So I YouTubed him and lo and behold, this is what I found.

Like whoa. There really is a Joe the Plumber - and he called Obama a Socialist. No wonder Mc Cain kept sayinghis name like its his fucking mantra. 

So much for equal opportunity fuck :(
Damn I guess I should settle for Mario then.

Sunday, October 12

QUICKIES. Bob Dylan. My floor obsession. Charlie Horses. The Loooooove Doctor.

First.  Bob Dylan is the bomb.  THE BOMB.  I don't care if he's old or if its folk or country yada, but I love his songs.  What can I say, I like his poetry because it speaks volumes.  I'd like to list some of my favorite Bob Dylan songs here, just in case you haven't listened to any Bob Dylan song {if you haven't then you seriously need to google the old fart and download his shit}.  Here are my top picks.

Ballad in Plain D
To Ramona
Shelter from the Storm
Workin Man's Blues
House of the Risin Sun
Knockin' on Heaven's Door
Mr. Tambourine Man
Spirit on the Water
Like a Rolling Stone
Take Me as I am
With God on our Side
One Too Many Mornings
Talkin' New York
Man of Constant Sorrow
The Wicked Messenger
I've been cleaning my floor yet again. I dunno, its like I have this constant love affair with my mop and my floor.  I love cleaning it, especially when I'm in my boxers and sometimes even in my birthday suit {thank God for the trees that hide my windows. PLANT TREES yo.}

I had one major bitchin' Charlie horse 5 nights ago.  I woke up at 3 am with this bitchin pain on my right leg and I actually screamed in pain :(  It hurt like shit dude.  Took me about 10 minutes to actually stop the pain.  I was massaging my cramped leg, just touching it like and it actually helped.  THAT FELT GOOOOD.  I actually moaned some {ok a lot}.  My upstairs neighbor prolly thought I was gettin laid or summat. Meh.  I need more potassium in my system. 

I've been playin the loooooove Doctor yo.  And I feel giddy as shit.  I feel like fuckin Audrey Taotou in Amelie. See there are these two dudes who kinda like me sorta in the not so brotherly way more like Biblical Leviticus Sodom and Gomorrah type of way like.  They kinda saw my friendster {yeah I still have one} profile ages ago and we chatted on a few occasions.  Each of them tellin' me their woes of being young {they just turned two decades this year}.  Lets just call them Bob and Dylan.  Bob's EMO and Christian and has just dropped outta college and Dylan's a med student and Christian and detests porn of any sort.  Both are in the closet trying on their late grannies' stilletos and both have told me that they liked me.  I did tell them that they were cute and shit {they were} but they were far too young for me.  And besides Cupid has already pierced my ass mouth ears nostrils   heart{!} with his sword of love - and yeah I love my mystery man.  I ain't tellin his name on this blog because I'm way superstitious about this kinda shit. I did tell them that if I were younger and in the same country and available and all the crappy excuses I could make yadi yadi yadi yadi, I'd date them and we'd marry and have Christian kids in a nice suburban house, with a dishwasher, widescreen tv, a dog named Julio and a cat named Julia.  Two days ago, each messaged me separately {they hadn't known each other yet}, askin how I was.  Both were still single and looking for someone to devour still were kinda hopin that I'd put out.  I actually had to point out to them that I am in China and there's the South China Sea {they're both in  the Coconut Republilc} and me putting out would not really be possible.  Then an idea came to mind. Oh yes, I'm the LOOOOOOVE GENIUS.  Why not introduce these two kids to each other? I mean, they're both young, in heat, and starving for some good old fashioned closeted brother to brother loving. So I did.  And like an outsourced customer service agent I pimped them to each other while pointing out to both of them their similarities  - Christian, gay, closet, stilletoes, puberty.  Voila! Three days later,  Bob tells me in an offline message that he is in loooooooove.  Dylan tells me that he's gonna visit Bob soon up north and he plans to woo his EMO ass with dead flowers and angry Christian poetry.  Meh, young love. Makes me wanna puke.  Its still fuzzy though.

I felt so good matching them up.  I'm feeling like Oprah minus the vagina and boobs. 

Friday, October 10

QUIKIES, Lily, her friend and her friend's boss on a Thursday night out. Stu and his search for the American Dream. The Wrath of a Woman Scorned... among other things

Friday night in the Big Smoke and I am at home - something is definitely wrong with me.  I think it's me aging.

Talked with my Russian friend Lily {again not her real name}.  She's not going out on a Friday night either.  Friday nights are overrated anyways. Meh.  She went out and got trashed last night.  Thursday's the new Friday yo.  Well, her friend, let's call her Lily's friend, flew to the Upper East Side (me old city, how I miss the cold) with her 30-something boss  for some business and a whole lotta pleasure.  So being the good host, Lily took them for a Thursday night out.  They drank whiskey and some chinese moonshine.  Lily's friend's boss got so trashed that she started doing acrobatics in the middle of the dancefloor.  Turned out that Lily's friend's boss used to be a circus performer {no she didn't eat elephants, she used to do death defying back bends}.  Let's just say that she had the crowd going last night.  Lily's friend's boss got offers from the guys looking to get laid that night and she had one special offer from the club manager if she could work in his club full time.  Some Thursday night eh? I wish I was there. 

Stu, my Jewish slash filmmaker slash chef extraordinaire slash one time stripper friend is back in the Land of Milk and Oprah in search of his American Dream. He's looking for a job now {GOOD TIMING STU! I HEAR LEHMAN BROTHERS IS HIRING}.  He sorta misses China. Well Stu, China misses you too! Uncle Mao misses you most dude!  By the way, if the job hunt doesn't turn out well, there's always the street corner dude.   Prostitution never goes outta style my friend.

Fakebook is really getting to be more than a social networking site.  Its more. Much more.  It's more than just a social utility where you can share with your friends and shit.  You can also diss yer ex-es in Fakebook.  Take THIS  for example.  I pity the dude.  Like what Rose said in Titanic,  "A woman's heart is as deep as the ocean and shit." That's one angry woman.

Monday, October 6


now this is whut i'm talkin about. she knows her shit yo.