Tuesday, December 11

My ass hurts like hell. My flat smells like burnt bacon.

I had a rather long and tedious day. I had to go to the bank this afternoon to take care of some things and while I was going to the bank I had an accident. I slipped on one icy pavement. It hurt like hell. I was listening to my mp3 player and shite, walking and trying to act cool because I was listening to this podcast about Jesus {I know kinda lame but I love Jesus so sue my ass. And besides it was really a kewl lecture about the historical Jesus given by this Stanford doctor shite... I know I'm a nerd.} So yeah, I was listening to this podcast and then all of a sudden, I saw the skies open up to me {no Jesus or Holy Ghost in the guise of a dove or anything, just the sky} and my ass started hurting like hell. I fuckin slipped! In the middle of a slightly busy thoroughfare. Talk about an embarrassing situation. My first reaction was to look around if anybody was looking. Luckily a Chinese couple who was across the street were the only people who saw me. I mustered whatever dignity that I had left of me and stood up and limped to the bank. A word of advice to the people who are interested in coming to the Noddle Kingdom in the winter time, be careful of slippery and icy pavements because they are so common here. Avoid them like a plague. First it can cause serious damage to your hip or leg or back, if you happen to fall real hard {heard that one foreigner had to go to the doctor to have a hip replacement surgery or something... then again, she was a septuagenarian} and second it's really, really, really, REALLY DIRTY. Imagine frozen goo.

I got a call from Nina while I was at work. The building people were trying to get into my room because it smelled like something was burning. Turned out that my incense pot was "burning". Before I left for work, I made sure that the incense wasn't burning and shit. I always made sure that I don't leave anything burning {I had other "incidents" in the past concerning burnt pots and pans}. With the incense, I always put it out with used, dry ground coffee and it always worked and all, except today. When I asked Nina to ask the building people to open my room just to make sure, they saw my room filled with smoke and it was coming from my incense pot. The dried up coffee was burning!

I had to talk and to apologize to the building people when I went back from work and to promise them never ever ever EVER to put dried coffee on my incense pot again. WTF, I'm still gonna burn my incense.

So yeah, today was an embarrassing day for me. My ass hurts like hell and my flat smells like burnt bacon.


Like I said last year, Christmas isn't just what it used to be. With Britney Spears and Paris Hilton turning back to Jesus, the United States ever weakening dollar {mind you, it's not only the Americans that are affected by the weakening dollar} and homophobes being more creative in the yuletide season, to name a few, why the hell should you celebrate Christmas?

Don't despair though. For those of you out there who have gotten tired of the Yuletide Season and for those of you who think that Christmas is just way overrated, here's a holiday for you


And, the best part is, you don't even need to send greeting cards to your BFF's and frenemies and your exes and your estranged relations.

and enjoy the free food!

Monday, December 10

An Indecent Proposal

One woman at the office after work asked me this question.

"Would you like me to ride you?"
I was like...

"Can you say that again, please?"

She then said...

"I said would you like me to ride you? It's late and it's hard to get a taxi."

Finally understanding her statement, I said yes.

But before we got in her car, I did tell her the right way of offering a ride in English, just in case she offers other foreign coworkers if they wanted a ride.

Well, if it were Milo Ventimiglia ...

...who asked me the same question.

You wouldn't hear me asking for a clarification. And it would be a different story altogether.

Saturday, December 8

On Blogging in The Noodle Kingdom ...

... is no picnic lemme tell you. It just isn't. The world's soon to be largest internet user is more anal than a bottom in jungle heat. And when I say anal, I mean Freud/Jung/Bel-Ami/Republican anal. It pisses me off, mind you. Blogger, Typepad and Wordpress, the three blogging giants in the blogosphere are blocked in the Noodle Kingdom. And so is Wikipedia, BBC {from time to time}, Flickr, YouTube and many others . Do you know how hard it is for me to post a blog? Or to wiki something? Or to google a whatnot or a whuchamacallitsthetipofmetoungedamnit?! Or to browse some honest to goodness porn!?! It's hard lemme tell you!

HAAAAAAAAAARD! {Omar screams at the top of his lungs while looking up at his ceiling while making a fist out of his right hand then punching the nothingness above his head twice... oh yeah there's some drool on his chin too... for effect}.

Beastie Boys is playing in my head right now. Don't ask me why, I like their beat. Whosit, you say? Ask yer mom. Yeah it's old, so what?!

What gives anyways? Why the blockorama? Well, you have to thank the LLAWERIF TAERG. And what is exactly the Llawerif Taerg {GFW to us here in the Noodle Kingdom}? Click on the link above stoopid.

There is one consolation though. I am not alone. The rest of the almost 300 million users in the Noodle Kingdom plus the expats who work here suffer the same fate. YAY! All is not lost tho. There are ways to climb the wall. Thank Jizzms for that. It's slow and everything, and its not 100% full proof, but hey I need my online time. I surf, therefore I am.

It makes me wonder though. With The Noodle Kingdom's internet users rising at a super lightning highly dramatic overexposed Keira Knightley pace, how will Big Brother keep up with the X Ray vision?

Are you there Neo? When will you tumble down my rabbit hole?

Big Brother,
If you are reading this {which I'm sure you are}. I heart the Noodle Kingdom!!!!!!!! Me likey likey! Cheap food and beer and smokes. Likey likey. Seriously though, I wouldn't be here if I didn't. Well, it's just me, I don't know about the rest of the expat community here. But I'm sure they feel the same way. And oh yeah, world peace and shit.

Tuesday, December 4

The Confessions of an Insom{a}niac XVIII - It is oh, so quiet...

Yes. Not a sound to be heard except my PC humming now and then. It's so quiet in my flat right now, in fact, it's real quiet in my building right now.

I have to confess that for the first time in months, I actually feel quiet and relaxed. And it's not even 10 pm. I just got out of the bathtub feeling all fresh and squeaky clean. An incense is burning by my window. My whole flat {and probably the whole floor} smells like an Indian temple or an ashram.

I'm loving this. The quietude in my flat, in my whole building. I wish it was like this every night. The quietude filling my senses and leaving me drunk with something short of bliss all night. And the feeling will linger on till the morning I wake up.

I just realized that I am living a"noisy" life. I am surrounded by noise 24/7. Cellphones, computers, TV, radio, cars, buses, taxis, airplanes, audio players, hi fi's, lo fi's, home entertainment systems, alarms, plastics, metals, wood, paper, office machines, household appliances, buildings, footsteps, chatter, arguments and negotiations, shouts and whispers, work, pubs, nightclubs... everything, produces a certain vibration. A sonorous reverberation of something that echoes the unnatural. I even find eating and sleeping is "noisy" sometimes. It's all a part of living nowadays, noise. I guess noise is one among the many things that humanity has to pay in exchange for modernity. The comforts of Urbania, from the can opener to the supercomputers are never free. They all come with a price tag that is not payable in any legal tender. Yet we pay for it every single heartbeat. Silence has become a luxury for us city dwellers. The world has become one noisy place because of man and his incessant need to modernize.

Even the aliens probably hear the noise that we make from outer space. Sometimes I wonder what they think of us. Maybe they think that we talk too much. That we rarely think things through before we act. That we have too much bravado as a race but not enough {com}passion as a society. Or perhaps, they're also the same, these green , purple, red, yellow, { insert any color here } beings from another planet. Perhaps, they too, are a race of beings that thrive and live and capitalize on noise.

Today was a noisy day for me. It started with my alarm ringing, followed by my cellphone. Then I do my morning absolutions. Then I work. Then I had to move some of my things {mostly books and other stuff} to my new flat downtown {which is 5 times noisier than the present area where I am at}. Then I answer phone calls again. Computer. Work. Taxi. Food. Then I clean up my flat. Then I am annoyed by the obnoxious hotel guests housed on my floor who happen to like shouting at each other's faces for no apparent reason. Phone. Internet. Water dripping. Washing machine. Phone.

This in fact, was just a usual day for me. Except for the obnoxious hotel guests on my floor, I live this life everyday. I am not complaining, mind you. I am just being observant. The quiet that I am experiencing now is one of those rare and precious occasions that I selfishly crave for sometimes. The auspicious silence in my flat gives me an opportunity to be still and to slow down and even to stop and think. I remember that credit card commercial about some things in life that money just can't buy. This is definitely one of those, priceless moments. The irony is that I don't even own a credit card.

I remember back when I was a bit younger. There was a time when I lived on a hill not far from Urbania. In fact, the only thing that separated me from the metropolis was this huge lake. It was just hours away from the city but it was like a totally different world up on that hill. I was surrounded by mango trees and frogs and lizards and snakes and God knows what. I used to live almost everyday waking day of my life in such quietude that the silence and stillness became noise apparent. There were times, back then when I used to really dislike the stillness around me. Sometimes I would go down the hill and take the next bus to the nearest city so I could breathe the fresh carbon emissions and just eat real food {fast food}. I needed to escape the quiet, the trees and frogs and the fresh air. Right now, in precious and quiet moments like these, I remember that year when I lived on that hill surrounded by mango trees and frogs. I get that funny feeling inside whenever I think about that hill. I guess it's nostalgia or probably a mild case of ulcer or heartburn. My memorable moments on that hill was the rooftop. At night, I would go up the rooftop to go for a quick smoke. I would sit and admire the lake and city skyline in front of me. Urbania is pretty from afar and so still. She was pretty, Urbania. Pretty she may be, but was more mesmerized by the sky above me. The night sky from the rooftop was beautiful. Stars would bathe me and bless me. I would lie on the concrete roof and look at the night sky and just admire it for hours. It was beautiful and sacred. It was something that I can never find across the lake.

I grew up on that hill. I wrote poems there. I burned most of them after a year. But I sometimes find reciting the lines in my head. I came up there as a boy and I came down a young man. The quietude on that hill taught me a lot things. Things, that I still carry until today. I am reminded of that hill whenever I have quiet moments like these. I am reminded of the stars above me and how mesmerized I was upon seeing those thousands upon thousands of gigantic balls of gases burning for eons suspended in space and outliving time itself. I am reminded of Urbania in front of me, beckoning me to come and embrace her. She looked so quiet and still from afar. Now after all all those years, after embracing Urbania and all that she held and possess, I look outside my window and I realize that I am at the other side of the lake {although there is no lake}. I look up to the night sky and wait for her blessing. I am not even waiting for her to bless me, just some some semblance of recognition will do. Through my window I look up and wait. But I see no stars.