Halloween, is just 3 days away in the Noodle Kingdom! And nobody cares around these parts. Frankly, I don't think Halloween is that much celebrated in Asia. I mean even in my Coconut Republic, it rarely draws a lotta attention. Yeah, you have the usual jerk o' lantern displayed in malls and shops and massage parlors and brothels, and of course there's the staple Monster's League {Dracula, Frankenstein, Britney Spears post Grammy Opening yada yada}. But you'd rarely see kids outside wearing costumes and knocking on some person's doorstep to ask for candy. Asians don't have the Halloween spirit in them - kids all dressed up in costumes and trick or treating, while the grown ups dress up in costumes and go to Halloween parties to get drunk and/or laid. My mother, when she was in California, found the whole celebration of Halloween interesting and disturbing and pretty funny. She had to chaperone my nephew {who was 8 at that time}, all dressed in some costume with make up and all. My sister was on duty that night and her husband {who's now an ex and on steroids at 50 something} couldn't be bothered. So my mother was on kid detail. So there she was, outside with my nephew along with prolly a hundred other kids in costumes and make up with their mom/dad/grandma/grandpa/babysitter/lawyer/trust fund adviser in tow - all saying TRICK OR TREAAAAAAT! She told me she would've enjoyed it but she had to think of a lotta things. She had to keep looking at the map that my sister gave my mom. You see, my sister gave her a route to follow. There were only certain houses that my nephew had to trick or treat, because she knows the people who live there. Then she had to keep her eye on suspicious looking people who might be child predators {gay-ish looking men... white... in their mid forties to early fifties... with sunglasses...}. Then she had to check the candies in my nephew's candy bag because she had to take out any suspicious looking candy or whatnot {there was a poison candy scare at that time in America}. And then she had to watch my nephew's candy intake. My mom told me that Americans were weird. First, parents spend money for a costume and buy shitloads of candies so they could give it away to other kids who knock on their doors while their own kids go outside to knock on other people's doors so they could ask for the exact same candies that they bought for the other kids. I mean where's the logic in that {mom's words}? Then parents are worried about the safety of their kids {predators} and the sweets thats been given to them by their own neighbors. Mom told me that Californian's are very health conscious. No sugar for you. The adobo is swimming in oil. Too much rice. One soda per week. Drink your juice. Milk. Organic. 5 meals a day. yada yada yada. But then when it comes to Halloween, kids binge on candies like ecstasy pills on a rave party."But when I cook Filipino food, they complain that its too oily and fattening {the kids don't mind though}, but when it's Halloween it's free for all! You know what I think? i think they should just buy the candies and give it to their kids and not to the other children. That way, there would be no problem for poisoned candies, kidnappers. It's all too problematic for the adults. The children don't complain about my cooking?!?!?! I think they like my cooking! Little Mic Mic eats a lot of rice when I cook. See? They love my cooking! Don't you miss my cooking anak?"
When my mother was retelling me the story, I couldn't help but laugh. I picture her, wearing this Middle America housewife dress with apron and all, with a middle America smile on her face while she gives adobo wrapped in aluminum foils to the kids trick or treating on her doorstep. I only went to a Halloween party once, and it was here in the Noodle Kingdom and it was yeaaaars ago. Wendy and Jane dragged me to go to a Halloween party in one club and I said, what the heck I'll go. So I grabbed my Navy Seal wife beater and put on some camouflaged jeans and went to the party. I was going as an ex Navy Seal who got caught going down on my lieutenant something something who resembled Kurt Russel in Stargate. The party was ok. Mostly a bunch of twenty somethings {some older} wearing the same Hairy Porter costume. Frankly, nobody was creative enough to prepare. Well except one. I think it was this guy from Chicago who went as Oscar the Grouch. He really prepared lemme tell you. I gave him an A- for effort. Anyways, there I was dancing to the same song and drinking my beer when one girl in a Goth costume started dancing with me. She was kinda purdy. Petite I would say. We were dancing. She lit up a fag then gave it to me. I smoked it and then she lit up another fag and smoked it herself. She was giving me this look! You know, the look that the human species give that is worthy of an episode for National Geographic or Animal Planet. Like "nyaaawrrrr". She was getting closer and I was trying to get Wendy's attention so she could cut in, but she was busy chugging her beer and dancing. I was getting anxious. Then she asked me what my costume was. I told her "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." She got the message. Clearly I think because after the song she went dancing with another guy in a business suit. Sucks being the only gay guy in that club. One thing, if I'm ever gonna go to a Halloween party again, I want it to go to a party with a mixed crowd. No offense to straight people, but imagine if you go to a party where you are the ONLY straight guy / gal there. You'd prolly think it would suck. Or not. Whatever, I want to go to a Halloween party where there is a good chance that the guy in the vampire costume would at least sink his teeth in me by the stroke of midnight. And I want a better costume. I already have something in mind. I want to go as the Highlander but in a kilt, with a sword and in Jimmy Choo's. Of course, there's the Scottish accent. I still have to work on that, though. Speaking of Halloween, Gym Girl, is getting hitched! I had the unfortunate chance of meeting her again three weeks ago. As I was leaving the gym, there she was in her full gym girl glory {without the umbrella}. She politely grabbed me and took me to a corner and told me that she was getting married. I had to give her the "ohmygodcongratulationswhenisthebigday???" face and act when she told me the BIG news. Apparently, she answered an online personals ad "met" one British guy who works in the city at some company, 50-ish, single {let's hope} yadi yadi and they went out on a date, there was a chemical reaction with the kung pao chicken, sparks flew and the rest is post coital history. I am actually happy for her. Genuinely. Well, I'm more genuinely happy for me, actually. As long as she is happy, I am willing to give way to true love! I asked her if they already picked a date, but she told me it was still under negotiation. She is still asking for my number though. She told me that she kept calling me so many times after that dark, stormy night. I told her my phone got stolen while I was on a bus to work and I still haven't bought a new one {thank God my phone didn't ring at that time}. She did ask me to be his future husband's best man during her wedding. I had to pretend I didn't understand what she was saying but I did tell her that I would come to her wedding. Wouldn't miss it for the world. I'll even take pictures, I told her. I told her to keep me posted on the date so I can prepare a gift and shit. What about your phone?, she asks. I told her I'll buy one soon and I'll tell her my number the next time we meet. I'm praying the Brit doesn't change his mind. She does, indeed, look happy. Radiant, like an incandescent bulb circa 1920's. Speaking of health and fitness, I am happy to tell you guys that I can officially do the crow pose. I have been doing yoga on and off lately because of the crazy schedule but every time I go to the gym, I do yoga as my stretching and warm up exercise and I practice doing the crow pose. Then one day, lo and behold, Omar can do the crow!!!!!!!! {does the victory dance, and sings "OMAR CAN DO THE CROWOW! OMAR CAN DO THE CROWOW! OMAR CAN DO THE CROWOW!}. The sweetest part is, I think the cute trainer at the gym actually saw me doing it. I'm still shy around him. I''ve actually talked to all the trainers in the gym {MEN AND WOMEN BOTH, I'M NOT THAT SLEAZY!} except him. Sigh. He's not like all Alpha Male you know - all pumped and exuding of cavemanism. He's more like a Beta Pup. Nufff. {Omar takes a deep breath then whispers his mantra of the month: I am not a slut. "I am not a slut. I am not a slut... I am not a slut... I am not a slut... *just a little sleazy*... I am not a slut..."} I've been having weird dreams lately {what's new}. I woke up this morning with a vivid recollection of my dream. I was on aircraft bomber, tied to this superduperbatmanmegatronATOMICBOMB that would destroy all of humanity, and I was smiling... and hard.
I have been reading some books lately. I just finished "Kafka on the Shore" last month and maaaaaaaaaaaaan it blew me away. If some of you guys are into books with small fonts without pop-ups you have to read Haruki Murakami. Just read him, and you'll understand why I put 13 a's in "man". I'm now reading Marina Lewycka's "A Short history of Tractors in Ukrainian". I was reading it while I was having my haircut today. The stylist asked me what was funny but my Chinese was limited to "ME ORDER FOOD, HOLD SPICE" and "YOU HAVE FIRE FOR SMOKE SMOKE?" to explain why I found the book funny, so I just told held the book up and told him that this was funny. I'm drinking Lipton Tea now. You see about 2 months ago, I bought like 100 tea bags of Lipton tea { I'm Asian and they were on sale! so sue me}, without even thinking that I rarely drink western tea. The catch is, that they were about to expire in 2 month's time. So here I am, trying to beat the expiration date. I haven't gotten sick or anything so it must be still ok. I'm actually beginning to like tea, I think. In fact, I'm drinking it every morning now. It's gonna be my caffeine substitute for a while. I was drinking it this morning then I suddenly felt something moving on my tongue. It tasted kind of iffy so I spat it out. It was a lady bug on its back, with it's feet moving frantically as if she's trying to tell me "Why did you try to eeaat meeeeee?" Poor bug, I thought. It must've been horrible being in somebody's mouth. I apologized to the ladybug and set it free to the wild {outside my window} and I prayed to the universe that I wouldn't be reincarnated as a bug. Please not a bug.they get squashed or drowned in expired tea. A dolphin would be nice. That way cute guys in tight swimsuits get to ride me in some Marine Park, AND PEOPLE GET TO WATCH! Or I could be in a movie. Damn.
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