Let me start this confession with my dream this morning. i think it's somehow connected or summat {Like what murakami said in "dance, dance, dance," everything is connected.
i had another weird dream today, and it's got weirdness marqueed aLL over it. so weird was my dream that when i woke up at 11 something am, i had the weirdest feeLing in my Loins. i couLdn't even concentrate on my yoga poses this "morning" {if you'd caLL 11 something am 'morning'}. at the gym i couLdn't even focus on my exercises {or maybe that was just my hunger kicking in?}.
what was my dream aLL about, you say?
weLL............
i dreamt i was having sex with a woman. okay, scratch that. i was not onLy having sex with a woman, but i was having hot passionate sex with a woman. ok scratch that again. i was not just having hot passionate sex with a woman, but i was having an uber hot passionate kama sutra sex with a woman.
Let me Lay out the terms here, when i mean 'uber', i mean uber-Like-porn-beL-ami-{or the heterosexuaL version of bel ami whateverthenameis}-uber. when i say 'hot' and 'passionate', i mean reaaaaaLLy sizzLing pan fried hawt and passionate in pan screen vivid coLor cinematography comparabLe to an ang Lee movie. and when i mean 'kama sutra', i mean kama sutra with yoga Like positions that i wouLdn't even dream of doing in an actuaL intercourse.
the weirder thing was {yes it gets weirder}...
weLL, in my dream, i was reaLLy enjoying it - aLL sweaty and shit coupLed with moans here and there. weLL, ok not just moans but i don't want to overshare here. i don't kiss and teLL. me, Omar {gay dude}, having sex with a woman and enjoying it.
now i'm a LittLe bit confused. weLL not confused CONFUSED, but more of weLL, whuts the word????? PERPLEXED {yeah, that shit hit the spot}. i practicaLLy spent the whoLe day, weLL, just thinkin about it. i mean, hey it was some dream. and somehow i enjoyed it.
truth be toLd, i am a virgin when it comes to heterosexuaL sex. but there have been times when a whatitwouLdbeLiketohavesexwiththeoppositesex thought wouLd cross my mind.
LateLy {Like in the past months}, i've been thinkin about it a great deaL. i think it's kinda easy to have sex here in china if yer straight {so come ye breeders young and oLd, and bisexuaLs too!}. come to think of it, most of the peopLe who came on to me here in china, on a number of occasions were in fact women. sometimes i wish i were straight. it wouLd've been Less compLicated. a straight person in a straight worLd wouLdn't have the pressures of say, getting Laid for one. but aside from that, you'd have aLL yer civiL Liberties {weLL at Least most of it} Laid out to you on a siLver tupperware pLatter. the irony is, many straight peopLe in many pLaces, don't even give enuff vaLue to these so caLLed civiL Liberties. weLL, because it's just a given. sigh. sometimes i wish i couLd be straight.
nowwaitjustagawddarnminuteherewhutthefLyingfuckdoesthismean?!?
couLd it be that i am having 'doubts' about my sexuaLity? Like could it be that i'm in fact straight? i sure hope to jesus not! i can't just IN myseLf for cryin out Loud! what wouLd my southern baptist sister think! Like it took her years to accept that her oncekidbrother bats for the rainbow team. she'd proLLy have a thanksgiving prayer or summat. i can't just teLL my parents "mom, dad, i think i Like girLs." i think they'd freak out or summat. my crazy sister{s} wouLd proLLy Laugh at my face.
ok the Last paragraph was cLearLy buLLshit. sometimes i think that these are just LabeLs, you know. gay, straight,Lesbian, bisexuaL, transexuaL. i know they're important and aLL but most of the times, peopLe , weLL the straightrightwinguLtrareLigioustheworLdiscomingtoanendLestyeaLLfuckinrepentand shitkindapeopLe, tend to focus on these LabeLs to push a certain agenda. at the end of the day, we are aLL just peopLe. eating, shitting, sLeeping, working, ranting, whathaveyou peopLe. so whut if i sLeep with a guy? so whut if so and so wear women's wear? so whut if she Likes it both ways? why the fLying fuck wouLd you care? the bottom Line is WE PAY THE FUCKIN TAXES LIKE YOU DO, YOU RIGHT WING FUNDIE DICKWADS {and we proLLy pay more for that matter}.
OK, omar, controL thyseLf. breathe. {i am one with the universe and oprah winfrey ooooooooooohhhhhhhmmmmmm}.
fuckthatshit. i need a fag ciggie break.
>>>>> ciggie break {eLevator music pLaying... sky rockets in fLight... afternoooooooon deeeeeLyte..... yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah afternooooon deeeeeeeLyyyyte!} <<<<<
there. aLL better.
ennuff about me dreams. so yeah, i've been thinkin' about whut it wouLd feeL Like if i have sex with a woman. it's not Like imma do it anyways, but hey, whatever.if it happens, it happens.
speaking of heterosexuaLity. a Lottuvthe expats here in changchun think wendy and i are an item. wendy is this canadian girL i usuaLLy go out with whenever and whatever. she's a totaL fruitfLy {she admits it and was the one who toLd me about the word} and we've know each other for over a year now. there was even one occasion when some guy wendy and i both know asked her why i wasn't going to thaiLand with wendy since we were going out and shit. uhuh. i guess i shouLd start wearing super tight shirts and spray gLitter and fairy dust everytime i go into a pub or a bar. better yet, maybe i shouLd bring a rainbow fLag and sing cher songs? nina's right, i guess. peopLe {incLuding non-heterosexuaL peopLe} stereotype. this didn't onLy happen with wendy, apparentLy with every girL that i was friends with. Like jane for exampLe. i had to teLL her japanese boyfriend that i Liked guys {Like LiteraLLy speLL it out to him with mime actions and shit} so he wouLd stop getting jeaLous of me. taLk about forced outing.
thing is, i don't need to out myseLf to the whoLe worLd. i'm not a friggen activist or anythin for that matter. i'm just, weLL, ME. i am out to the peopLe who matter to me. Like if a person is THAT important to me, that person shouLd know. it's a risk that i aLways have to take. mind you, it's not aLways a pretty sight. it's no fuckin picnic. that's why i aLways teLL my straight friends that it's so easy for them. Like soooooooo easy. no need to prepare a speech. no need to be aLL anxious about the whatifs and this and that. no need to have a near heart attack whiLe wating for the 4 or 5 seconds tiLl they respond. i've been Lucky, coz most of my friends were ok about it.
i remember one time in bandcamp when i had to write an emaiL to a reaL good friend of mine. that was two years ago. i was backpacking in the western part of china. i wrote him an emaiL teLLing him i was gay and that i wouLd understand yadi yadi yada. the wait was Like fucking forever. when i opened his emaiL {which was roughLy the same day i sent it}, it onLy said WHOA. thats aLL. i was fuckin crushed. i aLmost fuckin cried in that internet bar in urumuqi. i cLosed the emaiL. and i fuckin wanted to get pissed drunk that night. but i decided against it. i wanted to write a fuckin Letter to him teLLing him that he was a scumbag and shit and i just poured out my fucking seLf to him coz i considered him a reaL good friend and shit and aLL he couLd say was WHOA!? so i wrote him a repLy and when i was writing my repLy, it was then i noticed that i didn't read the whoLe emaiL. way way way way way waaaaaaaay beLow WHOA were the words 'GOTHCA! ITS OK. GLAD YOU TOLD ME.' fuckinggggggggg heLL! ehehehe. that was one of my happiest COMING OUT experience ever. btw, you know who you are. FUCK YOU and yeah, i Luv you shitLoads. you owe me a beer {or two} and i am stiLLgonna getcha for that prank.
and to think that was the easy part.
some peopLe think that after you come out, everything's peaches and cream. weLL heLL fuckin no! ask any gay, Lesbian, bisexuaL transexuaL person who came out or any straight person who has a GLBT friend that came out and they wiLL teLL you that it is definiteLy fuckin NO. when yer outta the cLoset, ya gotta face the fire. and dude{ette}, there's no turnin back. sometimes i can't even bLame my friends who don't come out of the cLoset. there's aLways that fear. that incessant nagging at the back of yer head that peopLe wiLL burn you aLive if they knew. that you'LL be ostracized by society. that you'LL Lose yer job. that minister casting you to the fiery brimstone of fundamentaList heLL, pat robertson styLe. that you'd be LabeLed as a predator, chiLd moLester and the hoLLywood psychopath that owns a rundown moteL in the middLe of nowhere that kiLLs his mother and keeps her in the basement. it's no picnic i teLL you. some peopLe wouLd even teLL me, why even bother coming out?
why did i decide to come out? weLL, it was my personaL choice. it was aLso a pragmatic decision on my part. i feLt that i couLd operate {couLdn't find any suitabLe word} better in society if i were outta my cLoset rather than in it. i chose to face the fire. and besides, i'm a fuckin' scorpio for cryin' out Loud.
i'm no hero here, mind you. god knows i'm fLawed to my my bone marrow. and i don't feeL sorry for my gay brothers and sisters who are in the cLoset. it's their decision. i respect that. and a good number of them can function weLL enough even without teLLing their famiLy and friends about their sexuaLity {they proLLy know aLready in most cases}. coming out is aLways a personaL choice. a personaL Leap of faith. it's not forced out of you. its a decision. BUT I DO FEEL SORRY FOR MY GAY BROTHERS AND SISTERS {either in or outta the cLoset} WHO FORCE OTHER PEOPLE TO COME OUT because of their own seLfish motives and sometimes even their own twisted agendas. FYI, we are not here to CONVERT straight peopLe into "gayness" and there is no such thing. and what IRRITATES me are some {i hope not many} in the gay {and the straight} community who tend to put other peopLe in categories and beLittLe them because of the way they dress, speak and act. fucking Look at the mirror and your bathroom cabinet for cryin out Loud. or better yet, watch fucking FLAWLESS {philip seymour hoffman gave such an exceLlent performance} so you couLd have a good dose of the reaLity piLL. no matter your outta the cLoset or in it, it won't be the BE ALL or END ALL of you being a person. why do we aLways make a fuss about the cLoset?
"are you out or stiLL in the cLoset?" but the reaL question is, are you a good person {gay or not, in or out}?
i'm not perfect, ok. aLLs i'm sayin is that we shouLd aLways have to keep our own prejudices in check. we aLL have fLaws. fuck, biLL gates has poor vision. oprah is thin today, fat tomorrow and thin the next fortnight. paris hiLton, weLL, is paris hiLton and has/had herpes. Lindsay Lohan has a drug probLem. and that supermodeL whaatshername proLLy has a wart or two somewhere in her body.
anyways, nuff of that. aLL i know is i beLieve in what kinsey thought about human sexuaLity. but most of aLL i beLieve in the human person. sexuaLity is but an aspect of personhood. it is part of who i am,yes. but it certainLy does not define me. i define me. its not my dick {to wherever or to whatever it chooses to go into} that defines me. it's my decisions, my actions and my thoughts that define me. it's not just my being gay or straight or whatever that matters. i think what reaLLy matters is if i am a good person or a fucking eviLdoer {borrowing that american president's terminoLogy}.
to the peopLe who've accepted me. my heartfeLt thanks because you saw beyond my sexuaLity and you tried to see the whoLe me. THANK YOU. and yes, i promise if i ever become a friggen gaziLLionare i'd invite you to visit my isLand and stay in the hatchet and press the goddamn button every 180 minutes or fucknot.
and to you bigots out there who just seem to want to mind MY BUSINESS... weLL, i say this to you...
take me as i am you motherfuckers. you quote me the bibLe. i'd quote you the bibLe. you teLL me about the constitution. i'LL teLL you about civiL fucking Liberties. you taLk about safeguarding society and the famiLy. i teLL you about the taxes that i fuckin pay to have your sons and daughters go home safeLy from whereever they go so that you couLd beat the crap outta them. you teLL me about yer fuckin rights. i teLL you about what is owed to me. and if you use brute force or infLlict any harm on me. weLL, i have my wit, my eyebrows and my fucking Limbs to kick and punch yer sorry mutherfuckinass {and my fucking ceLLphone / kiLLin machine for that matter}. and yeah, you can teLL that to pat robertson and george bush and to any bibLe quoting bigot and to the rest of you peopLe out there {heterosexuaL or otherwise} who wants to mind other peopLe's business.
{ i can hear ARETHA singin' in my head right now}.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
fuck that shit, i'm hungry. can somebody give me a candy bar?
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