a night with oscar and mrs. robinson

ahh the OSCARS... nothin beats watching the academy awards on a duLL monday night {i had to wait for the delayed and edited teLecast of the 79th academy awards. and yes it was THAT duLL, my monday}.

one thing that i've noticed in this year's academy awards was how the winners were very conscious about their speech time. weLL who wouLdn't be when you've got an audience of the academy's "best" giving you the death stare pLus the orchestra down beLow trying to kiLL yer oscar moment with that sorry-bud-yer-time-is-up-theme.

my personaL bests in the oscars were

1. definiteLy the shadow thing that they did. and they're naked! so says eLLen.
2. the eLements and motion segment in the oscars. that was reaL groovy.
3. meLissa etheridge kissing her wife on nationaL teLevision when her name was caLLed out. now that's the way to kiss a woman!
4. forrest whitaker's moving speech, which was reaLLy weLL, moving.
5. eLLen asking spieLberg to take her and eastwood's pic for myspace. that reaLLy cracked me up.
6. LittLe miss sunshine!

nuff of the oscar buzz. we'LL forget it the next day anyways.

i chatted with a friend today on ym. she was adamant that we taLk. she even wanted to caLL me but i toLd her that my phone was busted. so we chatted. she was in diLemma on whether she shouLd date this cute guy that she reaLLy reaLLy Likes and she kinda needed someone to Listen to her that time {weLL her room mate was out at work so i was the onLy viaLe option. bitch}.

so yeah, i asked her what was wrong and she teLLs me that she met this cute british guy at a pub in beijing Like a week ago and whatnot and the guy was watching footbaLL match in which engLand Lost {that's a nobrainer}. what made her reaLLy attracted with the bLoke was his sad sad ohhhh so sad face when engLand Lost the match. his Look was was Like that of a Lost puppy hiding in some corner trash bin under the pouring rain. weLL,she's a sucker for Lost puppy Looks and i couLdn't bLame her.

so asked her what the probLem was. she wouLdn't answer me. weLL i thought it must be serious if she wouLdn't answer me. so i made guesses to which she would repLy with either a YES or NO.

GUESS #1 is he married?
ANSWER no

GUESS #2 is he gay? {i had to ask}
ANSWER no

GUESS #3 does he have a girLfriend?
ANSWER no {he was with his mates that time so in a pub decorum in beijing it means he's singLe}

GUESS #4 is he a priest? missionary? mormon? scientoLogist?
ANSWER no no no heLL no

GUESS #5 is he in anyway reLated to you?
ANSWER no {gawd he's british!}

GUESS #6 he Likes another girL doesn't he?
ANSWER no. {he was staring at her the whoLe time!}

GUESS #7 is he suicidaL?
ANSWER no. {he was just sad that engLand Lost}

i was getting reaLLy impatient and i was running out of questions and i was waiting for the oscars and the Q&A was getting us tonowhere so i asked the Last stupidest question/guess i could think of

GUESS #8 is he 12?
----------- silence -----------

5 seconds. i teLL you, 5 seconds peopLe.

and i couLdn't heLp but type the words
WELL DON'T WORRY xxxx ... JESUS STILL LOVES YOU, MORE THAN YOU WILL KNOW... WO WO WO...

in which she gave me a bitch repLy.

ok, the bLoke's not reaLLy 12. he's actuaLLy 19 {so he says}. and she's, weLL... {TOOT TOOOT}. Let's just say that in my part of the hemisphere where i grew up she'd be his aunt or even his middLe schooL geography teacher.

so i asked her if she reaLLy Liked him. she told me sorta {meaning she Likes him}. and then i asked her again if she thinks he's reaLLy not a minor with which she repLied back BITCH in aLL caps. ok, i guess i deserved that. so i quickLy consulted the googLe god about the age of consent in engLand and after 0.16 seconds and with about 1,600,000 resuLts {thank you sergey and Larry}, i finaLLy had the answer.

i toLd her not to worry since the age of consent in engLand is 16 {homosexuaL or heterosexuaL}. so she just has to make sure that mr. england puppy face is indeed above 16. and if she's stiLL not sure if the bLoke is not a minor then she shouLd be checking his armpits the next time she sees him just to be sure! weLL, brits are way to hairy anyways, i think they start growing hair when between 7 and 11 {it applies to both of the sexes}. PEACE my goodnatured british friends.

but seriousLy. it made me think though.

why is it hard for women to date/sLeep with younger men but it's so oh so easy for men to date/sleep with younger women?

a foLLow up to that. why do peopLe in generaL think that its not appropriate for women to date/sLeep with younger men whereas it is acceptabLe for men to date/sLeep with younger women?

another foLlow up {i Love foLLow ups}.

WHY NOT?

2 words. DOUBLE STANDARD.

and to think society and cuLture in generaL has advanced in the Last 5 decades or so. mind you, she's not even asian. she's a sophisticated european who can make a mean breakfast and Loves jazz and biLLie hoLiday {you shouLd hear her sing a biLLie hoLiday its awesome and i teLL you its awesome!}.

i guess no matter where you come from, categoricaL prejudices on race, sex, gender, beLief or non beLief aLways share a cLoset space in a person's psyche.

so i gave her my one yuan worth of opinion {since she asked for it}.

fuck them. fuck the peopLe who'd raise an eyebrow. so what? they're not paying your gas and eLectricity. so fuck them. and fuck mr. engLand puppy dog eyes. fuck him Like he's never been fucked before. with protection of course.

i guess that's what she just wanted hear. so she's gonna go on with their date next week or maybe tomorrow or whenever is convenient. good for her.

but i did gave her a coupLa more advice.

better go dutch on the date. never foot the biLL.

and if he wants the two of them to eat at mc donaLds weLL she better run Like heLL coz he sure needs to grow more hair in his armpits.

early spring, on iona ferrari and the quest for my drag name

oh yes, spring comes early this year in my part of the planet. thank global warming for that and all the transnational companies that encourage global warming. and oh yes, the smokers too put's out the cigarette and pops a breath mint}. so yeah, its been quite warm the past week that i rarely wear anything except my jacket and a t-shirt and a pair of jeans without the long johns. around this time last year, i was still wrapped with a a ton of clothing just to keep warm. when i went out today to have a noodle fix, all the snow in my compound has already melted. ahhhh spring. i just love it, but the winds in these parts are just atrocious. scary even {imagine a banshee singing the russian anthem}.

things i'm itching for

1. i can't wait to go back to work. honest. my whole body is screaming for work already.
2. i can't wait to go back to the gym. i know it sounds superficial but i haveta keep in shape {with my smoking habit and all} and besides, it gives me a little distraction from OTHER things. the gym's been closed for 2 weeks coz of the chinese spring festival. its gonna open tomorrow and i'll be there to cut the ribbon and shit and hit the treadmill.
3. i miss running outside. prolly in a months time i can go back to running outdoors again. bhut for now, i have to stick with the treadmill.

by the way. my friend david {another david, honestly there are so many davids in this world that i think future parents should need to look for new names if they want to name their son OR daughter david} went to the philippines for a two week vacation. david's an american expat living in china for almost a decade now. he's a businesman slash performer slash husband {has a chinese partner} slash diva. i've only known him for 3 months but i've seen him on television specials here in china since day one {i've been here for almost 5 years}. he's what you'd call a one man show. he sings, he acts, he owns a coupla businesses, he's gay, he's partnered, he's a father the whole nine yards. anyways, david and i met in the most unusual circumstances {long story. and too lazy too tell}. so when he told me that he was planning to visit the philippines for two weeks, i was sorta surprised. i kinda figured him out to be a thailand guy or a bali guy. i asked him what was it that made him want to go to the philippines. he told me that he got tired of thailand and he wanted something a bit more "low key". he's heard about palawan and he wanted to check out el nido and/or aman pulo. he was in need for some advice about what to do and shit and the gay life in manila and palawan and whether to choose amanpulo or el nido.

so i gave my 20 cents worth. i told him that amanpulo was waaaay too expensive so i suggested el nido instead. about gay life, i told him some of the places that he could vheck out when he's in manila. although not the partying kind, david asked me if there were any bear bars in manila. i told him that i didn't know. i checked with the google god but there weren't any. come to think of it, why aren't there any bear bars in manila? i think there is a fairly good number of bears in manila.

food for thought to all the gay entrepreneurs out there, why are all the gay clubs and hang outs focused on one type of crowd? {like i should ask that question}. well, at the risk of over generalizing, many gay clubs are focused on the young ones - the nouveau gay, the twenty something crowd and the early thirtyish demographic. granted they have the money, especially them young ones who'd just be willing to spend hard earned cash for a friday night out. but hey, theyre not the only ones who have money to spend. just a thought. although i haven't really checked out the gay scene that well when i went back to manila last summer but when i asked some of my gay friends about having a bear bar, they told me they didn't know of any. in fairness to the gay establishments in manila, recent years has shown a whole lotta improvement when it comes to the urban gay nightlife. gone are the nights when you have to go to some cockroach infested cinema or a pissed smelly park just to see or experience something gay. there are actually a whole lotta choices now. there's the prverbial gay bar when you can have a lay for pay, the karaoke stand up comic clubs, the gaypubs when you can have a drink or two {and then some}, the bathouses and of course the quintessential QaF/babylon themed clubs that many young party goers {gay or straight} flock to. however, the the gentrification of the gay scene in manila also has or have its downside{s}. meh! whatev, i'm already waaaaay outta topic now. all i'm saying is that i hope that there will come a time in gay manila when a gay man/woman can enter a bar and not be judged by the clothes they wear, the language that they use, the portable phones that they carry, and the mannerisms that they unconsciously show. meh, i'm a fcuking dreamer. but who knows? anything can happen right?

anyways, back to david. he came back a coupla days ago and we were chatting online about his experience in the philippines.

so he went to manila to stay for a coupla days. i asked a good friend to help him out while he was in manila. what was supposedly a two day stay in manila turned out to be a 5 day stay because he didn't make any reservations to a hotel and a travel agent and all. poor david thought that it would have been easy to make settle those things in manila since he was able to do the same thing in thailand and in europe. i had to tell him {as much as i hated to } that our tourism industry is not {yet} at par with thailand or even eastern europe for that matter. he continued telling me that he had fun in el nido. but he was surprised to find out that there weren't any banks or atms on the island. he told me that in thailand {grrrrr} it was easy to find banks and shit. that was his only issue {thank god} but he told me he had a relaxing time in el nido. there was also a crew of french people on location filming a french version of survivor. he even got laid there. and oh yeah he loved the food.

ok, the philippines may not be a thailand but it does have its own charms, my coconut republic. all in all, he didn't have a bad time in the philippines. he told me that he might even go back for another vacation. but he told me he'd be prepared to carry traveller's check and a whole lotta credit cards.

i do miss my coconut republic. even the smog. and the rallies and demonstrations {are there still any?}. the street food. the jeepneys. and the heat. oh the heat. i miss the heat. i was telling all these things to david and he kinda figured out that i was a little bit homesick. so he decided to change the topic of our chat conversation. he started talking about the time when he went drag.

david in drag.

it would've been a sight. he plans to show me his pics in drag the next time we meet in person. i asked him if he had a drag name. he told me had two. one was IONA FERRARI. i reckon, it is fabulous. i keep imagining david, this 50 something gay white man, in a sequins cocktail dress, with makeup and shoes and a bag to boot. iona ferrari. it cracked me up. the other one was just recently made up. i guess she got tired of the iona ferrari bit being kinda hard core and fast paced {his early years} and decided on a subtler, more laid back name - DEE DEE DOUBLEDEE. i said what? well, he is from tennessee so i can't blame him. i told him i liked the iona ferrari name better. but he told me DDDD was prettier.

Dee Dee Doubledee... hailing from tennessee. swingin in a tree. yeah, i guess it was a better name than iona ferrari.

he did tell me that i'd look good in drag. but he told me i had to get rid of the goattee and have my eyebrows plucked. i told him the thought of doing drag at least for one night in my life had occured to me. truth be told i really do want to go in drag at least once {or maybe more if i liked it LoL}.

maybe one of these days, in the not so distant future, Omar will walk the streets of < insert any city of choice... i mean any city including tehran for that matter > in a chanel cocktail dress, cartier accessories and fuckin jimmy choos. or maybe i'd be wearing the latest duds in the women's department from costco or walmart or pigglywigglys. fuck a dress is a dress, so whatever.

david tells me that i have to have a drag name. he's right by the way. i can never do drag without having a drag name. he gave a suggestion

FILLA MEA UPPA. i told him it was kinda slutty. it sounds really foereign but its still sounds slutty. it was like dee dee doubledee on crack and booze. i wanted something like iona ferrari. filla mea uppa's kinda like saying :

im-not-a-slut-but-i-do-like-a-good-load-on-my-face-once-in-a-while.

so i told him that filla mea uppa's gotta go. and i ain't shavin my goattee or plucking my eyebrows either. maybe the goatte but the eyebrows no can do.

i'm even thinkin if i can go drag with 5. he did tell me once that he wanted to go drag at least once in his life. maybe we can do it together. ehehe. i think it would be hot though. me and him wearing cocktail dresses and killer shoes. and kissing. dayumn. now i can't wait to go drag.

so i'm thinking of my drag name now. it has been occupying my thoughts since last night. i mean yeah, its just a name. but still names are important. especially when you choose your own name. it's a phenomenal experience for me. it's kinda like i'm being born again. i like my chosen name {rufusOmar} and it took me years before i finally made up my mind to stick to that name. now i'm choosing a drag name. i hope it's not gonna take that long to choose a name that will match my chanel cocktail dress and jimmy choos {or if things don't turn out fabulously, walmart/costco and payless}.

whatever. like what a wise queen once said:

it's not the dress that makes you fabulous in drag. its how you channel all the goddesses that came before you that makes you glorious and resplendent.

word.

The Confessions of an Insom{a}niac XIV - out of the cLoset and into the frying pan

Let me start this confession with my dream this morning. i think it's somehow connected or summat {Like what murakami said in "dance, dance, dance," everything is connected.

i had another weird dream today, and it's got weirdness marqueed aLL over it. so weird was my dream that when i woke up at 11 something am, i had the weirdest feeLing in my Loins. i couLdn't even concentrate on my yoga poses this "morning" {if you'd caLL 11 something am 'morning'}. at the gym i couLdn't even focus on my exercises {or maybe that was just my hunger kicking in?}.

what was my dream aLL about, you say?

weLL............

i dreamt i was having sex with a woman. okay, scratch that. i was not onLy having sex with a woman, but i was having hot passionate sex with a woman. ok scratch that again. i was not just having hot passionate sex with a woman, but i was having an uber hot passionate kama sutra sex with a woman.

Let me Lay out the terms here, when i mean 'uber', i mean uber-Like-porn-beL-ami-{or the heterosexuaL version of bel ami whateverthenameis}-uber. when i say 'hot' and 'passionate', i mean reaaaaaLLy sizzLing pan fried hawt and passionate in pan screen vivid coLor cinematography comparabLe to an ang Lee movie. and when i mean 'kama sutra', i mean kama sutra with yoga Like positions that i wouLdn't even dream of doing in an actuaL intercourse.

the weirder thing was {yes it gets weirder}...

weLL, in my dream, i was reaLLy enjoying it - aLL sweaty and shit coupLed with moans here and there. weLL, ok not just moans but i don't want to overshare here. i don't kiss and teLL. me, Omar {gay dude}, having sex with a woman and enjoying it.

now i'm a LittLe bit confused. weLL not confused CONFUSED, but more of weLL, whuts the word????? PERPLEXED {yeah, that shit hit the spot}. i practicaLLy spent the whoLe day, weLL, just thinkin about it. i mean, hey it was some dream. and somehow i enjoyed it.

truth be toLd, i am a virgin when it comes to heterosexuaL sex. but there have been times when a whatitwouLdbeLiketohavesexwiththeoppositesex thought wouLd cross my mind.

LateLy {Like in the past months}, i've been thinkin about it a great deaL. i think it's kinda easy to have sex here in china if yer straight {so come ye breeders young and oLd, and bisexuaLs too!}. come to think of it, most of the peopLe who came on to me here in china, on a number of occasions were in fact women. sometimes i wish i were straight. it wouLd've been Less compLicated. a straight person in a straight worLd wouLdn't have the pressures of say, getting Laid for one. but aside from that, you'd have aLL yer civiL Liberties {weLL at Least most of it} Laid out to you on a siLver tupperware pLatter. the irony is, many straight peopLe in many pLaces, don't even give enuff vaLue to these so caLLed civiL Liberties. weLL, because it's just a given. sigh. sometimes i wish i couLd be straight.

nowwaitjustagawddarnminuteherewhutthefLyingfuckdoesthismean?!?

couLd it be that i am having 'doubts' about my sexuaLity? Like could it be that i'm in fact straight? i sure hope to jesus not! i can't just IN myseLf for cryin out Loud! what wouLd my southern baptist sister think! Like it took her years to accept that her oncekidbrother bats for the rainbow team. she'd proLLy have a thanksgiving prayer or summat. i can't just teLL my parents "mom, dad, i think i Like girLs." i think they'd freak out or summat. my crazy sister{s} wouLd proLLy Laugh at my face.

ok the Last paragraph was cLearLy buLLshit. sometimes i think that these are just LabeLs, you know. gay, straight,Lesbian, bisexuaL, transexuaL. i know they're important and aLL but most of the times, peopLe , weLL the straightrightwinguLtrareLigioustheworLdiscomingtoanendLestyeaLLfuckinrepentand shitkindapeopLe, tend to focus on these LabeLs to push a certain agenda. at the end of the day, we are aLL just peopLe. eating, shitting, sLeeping, working, ranting, whathaveyou peopLe. so whut if i sLeep with a guy? so whut if so and so wear women's wear? so whut if she Likes it both ways? why the fLying fuck wouLd you care? the bottom Line is WE PAY THE FUCKIN TAXES LIKE YOU DO, YOU RIGHT WING FUNDIE DICKWADS {and we proLLy pay more for that matter}.

OK, omar, controL thyseLf. breathe. {i am one with the universe and oprah winfrey ooooooooooohhhhhhhmmmmmm}.

fuckthatshit. i need a fag ciggie break.

>>>>> ciggie break {eLevator music pLaying... sky rockets in fLight... afternoooooooon deeeeeLyte..... yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah afternooooon deeeeeeeLyyyyte!} <<<<<

there. aLL better.

ennuff about me dreams. so yeah, i've been thinkin' about whut it wouLd feeL Like if i have sex with a woman. it's not Like imma do it anyways, but hey, whatever.if it happens, it happens.

speaking of heterosexuaLity. a Lottuvthe expats here in changchun think wendy and i are an item. wendy is this canadian girL i usuaLLy go out with whenever and whatever. she's a totaL fruitfLy {she admits it and was the one who toLd me about the word} and we've know each other for over a year now. there was even one occasion when some guy wendy and i both know asked her why i wasn't going to thaiLand with wendy since we were going out and shit. uhuh. i guess i shouLd start wearing super tight shirts and spray gLitter and fairy dust everytime i go into a pub or a bar. better yet, maybe i shouLd bring a rainbow fLag and sing cher songs? nina's right, i guess. peopLe {incLuding non-heterosexuaL peopLe} stereotype. this didn't onLy happen with wendy, apparentLy with every girL that i was friends with. Like jane for exampLe. i had to teLL her japanese boyfriend that i Liked guys {Like LiteraLLy speLL it out to him with mime actions and shit} so he wouLd stop getting jeaLous of me. taLk about forced outing.

thing is, i don't need to out myseLf to the whoLe worLd. i'm not a friggen activist or anythin for that matter. i'm just, weLL, ME. i am out to the peopLe who matter to me. Like if a person is THAT important to me, that person shouLd know. it's a risk that i aLways have to take. mind you, it's not aLways a pretty sight. it's no fuckin picnic. that's why i aLways teLL my straight friends that it's so easy for them. Like soooooooo easy. no need to prepare a speech. no need to be aLL anxious about the whatifs and this and that. no need to have a near heart attack whiLe wating for the 4 or 5 seconds tiLl they respond. i've been Lucky, coz most of my friends were ok about it.

i remember one time in bandcamp when i had to write an emaiL to a reaL good friend of mine. that was two years ago. i was backpacking in the western part of china. i wrote him an emaiL teLLing him i was gay and that i wouLd understand yadi yadi yada. the wait was Like fucking forever. when i opened his emaiL {which was roughLy the same day i sent it}, it onLy said WHOA. thats aLL. i was fuckin crushed. i aLmost fuckin cried in that internet bar in urumuqi. i cLosed the emaiL. and i fuckin wanted to get pissed drunk that night. but i decided against it. i wanted to write a fuckin Letter to him teLLing him that he was a scumbag and shit and i just poured out my fucking seLf to him coz i considered him a reaL good friend and shit and aLL he couLd say was WHOA!? so i wrote him a repLy and when i was writing my repLy, it was then i noticed that i didn't read the whoLe emaiL. way way way way way waaaaaaaay beLow WHOA were the words 'GOTHCA! ITS OK. GLAD YOU TOLD ME.' fuckinggggggggg heLL! ehehehe. that was one of my happiest COMING OUT experience ever. btw, you know who you are. FUCK YOU and yeah, i Luv you shitLoads. you owe me a beer {or two} and i am stiLLgonna getcha for that prank.

and to think that was the easy part.

some peopLe think that after you come out, everything's peaches and cream. weLL heLL fuckin no! ask any gay, Lesbian, bisexuaL transexuaL person who came out or any straight person who has a GLBT friend that came out and they wiLL teLL you that it is definiteLy fuckin NO. when yer outta the cLoset, ya gotta face the fire. and dude{ette}, there's no turnin back. sometimes i can't even bLame my friends who don't come out of the cLoset. there's aLways that fear. that incessant nagging at the back of yer head that peopLe wiLL burn you aLive if they knew. that you'LL be ostracized by society. that you'LL Lose yer job. that minister casting you to the fiery brimstone of fundamentaList heLL, pat robertson styLe. that you'd be LabeLed as a predator, chiLd moLester and the hoLLywood psychopath that owns a rundown moteL in the middLe of nowhere that kiLLs his mother and keeps her in the basement. it's no picnic i teLL you. some peopLe wouLd even teLL me, why even bother coming out?

why did i decide to come out? weLL, it was my personaL choice. it was aLso a pragmatic decision on my part. i feLt that i couLd operate {couLdn't find any suitabLe word} better in society if i were outta my cLoset rather than in it. i chose to face the fire. and besides, i'm a fuckin' scorpio for cryin' out Loud.

i'm no hero here, mind you. god knows i'm fLawed to my my bone marrow. and i don't feeL sorry for my gay brothers and sisters who are in the cLoset. it's their decision. i respect that. and a good number of them can function weLL enough even without teLLing their famiLy and friends about their sexuaLity {they proLLy know aLready in most cases}. coming out is aLways a personaL choice. a personaL Leap of faith. it's not forced out of you. its a decision. BUT I DO FEEL SORRY FOR MY GAY BROTHERS AND SISTERS {either in or outta the cLoset} WHO FORCE OTHER PEOPLE TO COME OUT because of their own seLfish motives and sometimes even their own twisted agendas. FYI, we are not here to CONVERT straight peopLe into "gayness" and there is no such thing. and what IRRITATES me are some {i hope not many} in the gay {and the straight} community who tend to put other peopLe in categories and beLittLe them because of the way they dress, speak and act. fucking Look at the mirror and your bathroom cabinet for cryin out Loud. or better yet, watch fucking FLAWLESS {philip seymour hoffman gave such an exceLlent performance} so you couLd have a good dose of the reaLity piLL. no matter your outta the cLoset or in it, it won't be the BE ALL or END ALL of you being a person. why do we aLways make a fuss about the cLoset?

"are you out or stiLL in the cLoset?" but the reaL question is, are you a good person {gay or not, in or out}?

i'm not perfect, ok. aLLs i'm sayin is that we shouLd aLways have to keep our own prejudices in check. we aLL have fLaws. fuck, biLL gates has poor vision. oprah is thin today, fat tomorrow and thin the next fortnight. paris hiLton, weLL, is paris hiLton and has/had herpes. Lindsay Lohan has a drug probLem. and that supermodeL whaatshername proLLy has a wart or two somewhere in her body.

anyways, nuff of that. aLL i know is i beLieve in what kinsey thought about human sexuaLity. but most of aLL i beLieve in the human person. sexuaLity is but an aspect of personhood. it is part of who i am,yes. but it certainLy does not define me. i define me. its not my dick {to wherever or to whatever it chooses to go into} that defines me. it's my decisions, my actions and my thoughts that define me. it's not just my being gay or straight or whatever that matters. i think what reaLLy matters is if i am a good person or a fucking eviLdoer {borrowing that american president's terminoLogy}.

to the peopLe who've accepted me. my heartfeLt thanks because you saw beyond my sexuaLity and you tried to see the whoLe me. THANK YOU. and yes, i promise if i ever become a friggen gaziLLionare i'd invite you to visit my isLand and stay in the hatchet and press the goddamn button every 180 minutes or fucknot.

and to you bigots out there who just seem to want to mind MY BUSINESS... weLL, i say this to you...

take me as i am you motherfuckers. you quote me the bibLe. i'd quote you the bibLe. you teLL me about the constitution. i'LL teLL you about civiL fucking Liberties. you taLk about safeguarding society and the famiLy. i teLL you about the taxes that i fuckin pay to have your sons and daughters go home safeLy from whereever they go so that you couLd beat the crap outta them. you teLL me about yer fuckin rights. i teLL you about what is owed to me. and if you use brute force or infLlict any harm on me. weLL, i have my wit, my eyebrows and my fucking Limbs to kick and punch yer sorry mutherfuckinass {and my fucking ceLLphone / kiLLin machine for that matter}. and yeah, you can teLL that to pat robertson and george bush and to any bibLe quoting bigot and to the rest of you peopLe out there {heterosexuaL or otherwise} who wants to mind other peopLe's business.

{ i can hear ARETHA singin' in my head right now}.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

fuck that shit, i'm hungry. can somebody give me a candy bar?