Chapter 1

The 245^th Monday and 10 Ejaculations

I never thought I’d say this but I think I’m addicted to porn, and masturbating.

Just today, I masturbated for 10 times. 10 times. That’s like a record for me – on a Monday, nonetheless... I mean, who jerks off on a Monday? And ten times even. My last ejaculation barely ejaculated. I swore I could hear my dick letting out a silent cry to stop it already if I didn’t want him to fall off, in my last, almost dry orgasm.

I know I have a problem. So what? I mean everybody has problems and issues and all, mine is just more defined – excessive masturbatory practice.

Yep. My dick is chafed. It doesn’t hurt, but it stings a little.

It’s not like I’m a sex addict or anything. I just happen to like watching porn and jerking off. Free porn of course. I don’t have the money to subscribe to anything paid. I don’t even have a credit card for crying out loud. Not that I want one. I had this friend once who got buried in debt and was hounded by the credit card company for buying shitloads of, well, things. Yeah, I do the casual sex from time to time but I prefer beating the bishop. It’s less risky, I guess. But I guess it’s more of the act itself. I like masturbating. Truth be told, I like masturbating more that the act of sex itself. Why? Don’t ask me. I just like it, period.

It’s Monday again. Never liked Mondays, to be honest. Its just boring and long and well, very Monday-ish. Monday, actually kind of sounds like ‘mundane’, come to think of it. Maybe that’s why they called it Monday. This is actually my 245^th Monday here in China. Not that I am counting, but I realized it just now. I have already spent 245 Mondays of my life here in the Noodle Kingdom. Wow. That’s a lot, I think.

I had a long day. I was teaching kids this morning. I was teaching them this song about the parts of the body. They were 6 year olds and they were getting bored so I had to improvise. So I taught them the song. It’s a funny song come to think of it, with funny actions and dance moves and all. A total classroom hit for kindergarten teachers. And the kids were laughing and at each other and at me. We were kind of having fun. Then in the middle of the song, for a split second, I realized something. Something very important. So important it was that it showed on my face for that split second while I was doing the song and dance number with the kids. Some of the perceptive little buggers even noticed it. I noticed it.

You see, I had this epiphany, this overwhelming knowledge that I could no longer deny. I guess I have known it all along but I didn’t act upon it. And to seriously deny this fact would mean to seriously deny myself altogether. I realized something important while I was singing the song with the children, turning round and round with bended knees and flapping arms and head bent with my tongue out like some senile person waiting to die – I had to admit that it was a funny song. I realized that I didn’t belong there or anywhere within a 50,000 mile radius.

I don’t belong here. And it was time to leave.

And in the middle of the song while the kids were singing and turning round and round with their head and knees bent and tongues out, arms flapping and all – I stopped singing then took my bag and left without a word.

I heard the children saying “goodbye teacher.” The Chinese assistant teacher was shouting my name and telling me that I still had 15 minutes left and 3 more periods to finish. I didn’t bother answering. I just left the building and never looked back.

Mario has left the building.
Ho-hum.

I walked for hours. It’s October and it’s really cold in this part of China. I was wearing a t-shirt, a pair of worn out jeans and a letter jacket. I didn’t bother taking a taxi. I just walked and walked till my feet complained then I took the bus going back to my flat. I opened my door and looked at my flat for 5 seconds and I was debating if I should fix myself something to eat or just sleep.

I wanted to make some early dinner but then I was too lazy to make one. Besides, all my fridge had was one lousy rotten tomato. I wanted to order take outs but then again I realized I wasn’t that hungry.

But I was horny all of a sudden. Out from nowhere, my libido was telling me to turn on the computer and browse for free porn. I did. I went to the porn site, opened some videos, undid my belt, opened my zipper and took out my dick. Five videos and ten ejaculations and thirty Kleenex tissues later, here I am – talking to myself in this monologue voice that reeks of National Geographic.

It’s time to leave.

It’s time to leave.

It’s time to leave.

I kept saying that to myself. Even when I was watching porn online and doing the work of my human hands. It’s time to leave. Even when I was smoking my last stick of cigarette, I was saying that over and over, sometimes even in mid exhalation I was muttering the words.

It’s time to leave.

It’s time to leave.

It’s time to leave.

I went to my bedroom without brushing my teeth or changing my work clothes. I kept saying the words over and over and over again. And like a Buddhist mantra that releases a Buddhist person’s soul to some form of nirvana or something like it – those four words released my whole body, mind and spirit to the world of soft, quiet slumber.