i have no fire in my loins

So says my Chinese doctor.

Being the gullible tourist that I am, I went to a Traditional Chinese Medicine clinic this morning right after gym. My Chinese friend and gym buddy {I so hate that word, it makes me sound like I'm some gym bunny who's on steriods... maybe I should change it to 'health partner'?} took me to this TCM {Traditional Chinese Medicine} clinic which was just conveniently placed beside the gym where I go to. Omar was giddy {why the fuck did I use that word?} since it's his first time to go to a TCM practitioner.

You see, I've been telling my Chinese friend about me being interested in Chinese medicine and acupuncture and I told him that I wanted to try it sometime. And since it was a holiday {National Week in China, sorta like their Independence Day - fuck the Chinese are waaaaay too lucky to have a one week holiday}, my friend and I decided to go to the TCM clinic right beside the gym.

And so there we were, apparently the ONLY patients for the day {slow day I guess, but it made me wonder that MAAAAAAAAYBE this was a wrong idea. But it was the holidays anyways}. Anyways, the doctor {or practitioner or shaman or whatever you may call her for your very own convenience} checked me out. No, not THAT kinda checking somebody out {perves!She was nearly in her 60's for cryin' out loud!}. She did the usual stuff - checked my pulse, made me say "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH", checked my eyes and my skin tone and then asked some random questions like my age, weight, and which cosmetics I used {hehe... kidding... fuckin' Freud}. the whole time she was asking me questions she was speaking in Chinese so my friend had to translate.

Then after five minutes she gave her diagnosis.

I have no fire in my loins.

And I was like, uh-huh...

Then she goes on explaining to me that my kidneys were rather cold and lacked the necessary fire. Then she asked me if there was anything wrong with me for the past days or weeks or months.

I wanted to tell her that I was an emotional wreck becuase I was an unwanted child and that I was gangraped by aliens in their space pod when I was twelve and that nobody believed me when I told my story to people which resulted to a major serious damage to my inner child - which was the main reason why I couldn't commit to someone even if my very life was at stake, thus giving me no other alternative than to commit myself to masturbating with my left hand on Tuesdays and Thursdays and with my right on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Saturday's are laundry days and Sunday's the Sabbath {duh! I'm still Catholic, you know!}.

But I digressed. I told her that I have been having major neck pains and I was feeling a bit lethargic these past coupla weeks. And guessed what she told me:

I have no fire in my loins.

She then gave me a prescription, well more like a concoction of 20 ++ something herbs and shit {she says they're all natural} which I would boil for 40 minutes and then drink twice a day. She prescribed three packets of that mixture {one pack I can 'reuse' for 3 times. YAY! ugh}. So I went to the 'pharmacy' to buy them herbs and shit which was also INSIDE the clinic {nice M.O. they have here, coz I just asked for the list of herbs so I can buy it in a drugstore that also sells TCM shit and whatnots but she insisted that I buy it here because there are some secret herbs that she does not want to reveal to the general populace}. So I had no choice but to buy from their stash. But I had fun watching the attendant mix the herbs. She goes to the 'pharmacy' where you can find a huge cabinet filled with drawers {think Dewey Decimal System cabinets in old libraries} and she has this weighing scale in her hand to measure the exact amount of herbs that I need and then she lays all the herbs on a big brown piece of paper and voila! - you have your own prescription drug, TCM style.

Soooooooo, I'm sitting here right now typing this blog while I'm waiting for the decoction {the by product of the herbs when boiled} to cooldown a bit. Yep, I just finished boiling it in an earthenware pot which I just bought from Walmart {hey, I was excited! It's my first time to take Chinese medicine so why not go the whole nine yards?} and put the decoction {why do I seem to like that word?} in a not-so-big-but-big-enough glass bottle {Walmart} and I could smell the scents emanating from me kitchen...

By God it smells like CAT PISS!!!

I'm thinking of chasing it with brandy or maybe loads and loads of water. Dear Lord I'm having goosebumps just thinking about it. What the fuck was I thinking?

Hell, I payed for it {quite expensive mind you, but I bet my ass it's more expensive if I buy them herbs in the States or even in the Philippines}. And besides, Chinese Medicine has existed looooooong before Western Medicine and there must be a goddamn reason why it's still here and practiced by millions, no, BILLIONS of people [including a good number of non-Chinese people}. So Im'ma try it {Go Ninja!}. You only live once so why not try everything, eh? {although drinking the shitjuice might give me sudden death}. Meh. Hell, it might even cure my erectile dysfunction.

It still smells like cat piss.

God I hope I don't O.D.

Help