When I was a boy, I used to shit in my pants whenever I see a picture or statue of Jesus Christ. I guess you could say I had christophobia.
For those who don't know what christophobia is, it's the fear of anything ...
J E S U S.
Yes people, there is sucha thing like that. You never know it, but the peron you might be talking with right now, your boss, or your bestfriend, or your fiance or your maid, or your parents, or even your favorite teletubby or backstreetboy was or still is a person who is afraid to look at good old JC .
I confess. I was once a christophobic. And man I had it bad. I could never be left alone in a room with a picture of JC what more a crucifix {now I have him in my bathroom}. It just scared the hell outta me. I guess, it's with the look. I mean, have you tried looking at a picture of Jesus lately? If you haven't, then try it. Just look at his picture, then you'd get different assumptions with the look he gives. Like these for example:
Assumption # 1 THE JUDGMENT LOOK aka THE DEATH STARE
Sometimes you think he's judging you with that all too serious and angry looking stare he gives. Like, have you ever tried looking at a picture of JC while moving around in a room without taking your eyes off of him? Try that experiment one time. Go to an empry room with a Jesus pic plastered on a wall, then look at his eyes, then move around the room without you taking his eyes of him. You'll see that he's still staring at you wherever you go. I know, it's freaky. It freaked me out when I was little. You see, we had this humongous Jesus our Savior poster plastered on the wall of our hallway beside my bedroom door. Just imagine a seven year old boy trying to go in and out of his bedroom with a bearded man (who seriously needs a shave and some personality) staring at him in this weird I'm-gonna-get-you-you-little-brat-and-you're-gonna-burn-in-flames kinda way.
Assumption # 2 THE 'I-KNOW-WHAT-YOU-DID-LAST-SUMMER' LOOK
This look is less severe, but it still gives me the creeps. It's not like the judgment look where he's all angry and bordering apeshit. It's like the look you give that kinda says "You've been a bad, bad boy, Omar. Bad boy! Bad and naughty boy!" Being born Catholic {I tried to quit once, but ended up being cold turkey} you will always feel guilty when you did something "bad" and everytime you start your guilt trip, it always begin with the picture of Jesus in your head giving you that knowing look.
Assumption # 3 THE 'HOW-COULD-YOU-DO-THIS-TO-ME?' LOOK
Now this look is a classic. If you really did something bad and yer on a major guilt trip. Never look at JC. Or else you'd be on a guilt cruise!
Assumption # 4 THE 'I'M-THE-KING-OUTTA-MY-WAY' LOOK
Yes, there are images of Jesus that makes him look like a snob. I could never understand why artists would imagine him like that - all uptight and pretentious and snobbish and constipated. Like, "Yeah, I'm the Son of Man. Now could you move outta my way, please!" Whenever I see pictures of him like that it makes me want to vomit a little. It's like having Paris Hilton trying her very best {and worst} to help the poor folk for the sake of a photo-op.
Assumption # 5 THE 'WHAT-DID-I-DO-TO-DESERVE-THIS?' LOOK
It's just too depressing. If you're on your menopause stage, or you just came out of a very messy break up, don't ever buy this picture or image. Better stick with look#3.
The list goes on. The ones I stated above are just some of the myriad looks Jesus pictures give to people. I personally like the BUDDY JESUS.
And what about the friggin crucifixes? Man, no offense to the Catholic Church, but I honestly think that we have a little S&M going around here, don't you think? I mean. Just look, an almost naked guy, nailed and bloodied with that T pose? HELLOOOOO. I dunno about you, but if I were into leather and shit, I'd be having a woodie. And I'm glad I'm not into leather and shit. The thing is it fucken scared the shit outta me. Imagine a 7 year old having to look at this sight from just 3 feet? When I saw a crucifix the first time, I cried for hours. Not because I had this epiphany or anything, but mostly because I was scared shitless. Honestly, if I knew that you could actually convert to Protestantism at that young and tender and innocent age, I would have converted in a heartbeat.
A LITTLE BIT OF HiSTORY LESSON
The thing is, it's not JC's fault that most of his images or his likenesses were all a bit f*cked up. Don't blame JC! Blame them painters and sculptors! Sue the artists that made them. And most of all, sue the ones who commissioned those works! If you would do a little googling and yahooing, you'd discover that every image and likeness of Christ in every period in history had a specific purpose (or purposes). Most of them were used to control and scare people. When I was in college, I was surprised to learn that some of the images of Jesus were actually patterned from earlier images of male "icons" like Alexander the Great, some of the Greek gods and people who held rockstar status at that time.
I mean, it kinda makes sense doncha think? If I would market my religion {oh yeah, they do. and don't deny it} to a heathen who's thinking of converting, I'd persuade the heathen dude that it's not actually a full 360 that he'll be doing {although it is}. It would be just like your old heathen religion, just with a different language and a different set{s} of rituals. Look at our god, he kinda reminds you of Alexander the Great, doesn't it? Or maybe Ganesha? It's like telling a guy that dog meat actually tastes like chicken. *nuff said.
Don't judge me. I'm not a book. - Melanie Marquez {former supermodel and beauty queen}
Don't get me wrong, though. I love Jesus, people. He wouldn't be hanging on my bathroom wall in the first place if I didn't. My relationship with the Son-of-Man is what you would call, personal. VERY PERSONAL. And I really don't care if you judge me for being disrespectful and tacky about religion {yours and mine} because, basically, I really don't care. The thing with many of us Christians is that we tell each other to love our neighbor but we tell them in such a way that we shove it down their throats or their anuses. We are actually no better... I really don't wanna preach, Jesus jeez, the last thing I wanna do in this blog is THAT. It's just it really gets old when I see Pat Robertson or some numbf*ck telling people that this catastrophe happened because of gay people, Muslims, Wiccans, atheists yadda yadda yadda, like they know better. How infuckingsensitive. And they call themselves Christians? Try blaming yourselves for a change.
FYI. Jesus was never a Christian. So wake up and smell the jizz.
Anyways, enuff of my rant.
I love Jesus, period.
Just don't let me go near those really freaky pics of his.
Besides...
For all we know, he might not even be white.
Black, maybe. Or brown.
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