The Confessions of an Insom{a}niac VI {pork chops and fruit salad}

i was talking with a very good friend online and in one of our sordid conversations, the issue of eX's came up. he told me that if he could only buy an amnesia pill to forget all his eX's, he'd buy it. i told him a happiness pill would be better. {like you'd just pop a pill in your mouth and the next thing you know you'd be in a Johnny Depp movie with a midget giving you a nice rim job... wait i think they already have prozac or xanax for that} that way, when you happen to bump into an ex {by accident} with his or her new rebound, you'd get to have the sheer pleasure of seeing your ex {and his/her rebound} wonder who you are sleeping with to have that shit-eating grin on your face. wouldn't it be great? i mean. to bump into your exes and their current rebounds and them seeing you with that big shit-eating grin plasetered on your face? i bet that would be so priceless.

because sometimes, there are just days when the gods of the universe seem to conspire and just give YOU all their godly attention. meaning, you just happen to see an ex (or ex's) with their current partners crossing the street, or eating at your favorite place, or in the bookstore buying the exact book that you were intending to buy etc. and it just pisses you off. that they seem to have moved on and are happy. like nothing really happened. and you're there. still alone. watching them cross the street. eat in your restaurant. and buy books. that is sooo ally mc beal. but hey. that happens. i bet it happened to you {yes you, the one who's still stupid enough to read this blog entry}. well it happens to all of us, i personally think. and then we see them, our formers {everything is past, before, that was} happy. and we ask ourselves, why? why are they happy and i'm not? was it my fault then? so it was me all along. maybe i shouldn't have done this in the first place.

i guess we all get those days {and nights too}. i remember mine. walking for 10 blocks from my house then walking back. yeah, it hurt. like hell it did. i carried it like a cross for months and months. it was hell. that was almost 5 years ago. when i was young (*sigh) and fresh from the dairy farm.

but you know, i'd never trade that experience for anything in the world {not even for a hot rebound guy}, because it taught me a lotta things. for one, it taught me how to survive a break up. that a break up {or a separation or a divorce} is never a single act, but always involves two people. that the blame can not only be put in one party but has to be shared. that in the end it would be useless pointing the blame to the other {because what's really the use? it's over anyways}. that it's ok to be angry or even jealous because i am entitled to. that it's ok to go into this dazed funk when you just want to walk ten blocks and smoke fags and think of him/her and the "what if's". and most of all, it taught me that i can move on. that like any storm, no matter how violent, it too, ceases.

i guess i'm old enough to tell my young(er) peers that happiness is one hard pill to swallow. and like a pill, it can also cause some sort of pain to make the over all pain go away. you can never truly be happy with someone unless you start being happy with yourself. and that is one of the most challenging aspects in the pursuit of living - trying to be HAPPY. it's never easy anyways. i mean, just look outside your window, how the f*ck can you smile with that kind of reality hitting you square in the jaw. i guess like the pursuit of living, personal happiness is also a pursuit. but you don't have to look for it. you just have to do it, i guess. just take the plunge.

what makes me happy right now? i wish i could say sex, but that would be too much of an understatement since i'm not geting any here {i so deserve a brownie right now}. a good book perhaps. that rush that you feel when you have your first fix of nicotine in the morning. a nice hot cuppa java. jose cuervo with a real nice beat playing in the background. indian music. funny movies {even chick flicks}. tocino {homemade}. sinigang with cold rice. sleeping the whole day. but most of all -

f r i e n d s

who needs a pill when you've got them around?

like a good blether [talk] about what you had for dinner and what you had for dessert, amnesia pills, shitty eX's and even possible death with a real good friend can never do you wrong. in fact, it's all but priceless.