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The Kite Runner just made me cry.  Fucking movie made me cry. I just snotted on my keyboard. I'm sticking to porn next time.

TALES FROM THE BIG SMOKE VOLUME 1 - Kasper, Sparky and Ling Ling

A note to the reader:

This is a true story.  All the events written on this post happened for real {like no shit dude}; and in order to protect the innocent, the weary, the hungry and the humble of heart, names of the people have been changed. Some of the scenes can be graphic, so be warned. So yeah, continue reading.  But don't say I didn't warn you {Wilhelm Scream}.

I recently met up with a friend of mine who also works in Beijing.  Let's just call him Kasper {which all of you know is not his real name}.  Kasper has been in Beijing {on and off} for a good number of years. He's Dutch, gay, tall {well, he's Dutch} and he's a proud member of the non-American Democrats {lets just say that if he could marry Obama... he wouldn't, but he'd def finitely do a Monica}.  I met Kasper by accident about nine months ago in a bar with Stu {the Jewish stripper who is now a dog sitter in the Promised Land of Obama Country which they call New York} when I was still living in the Upper East Side of the Noodle Kingdom {the Northeast}.  When I moved to the Big Smoke it was Kasper, along with some other friends of mine who have been living in the Jing, who I always touch base with. 

So yeah, I met met up with Kasper last night because he texted me that he had to tell me about something that happened to him recently.  So we met up for drinks at some bar and asked him what was it that he was so eager to tell me.

Kasper, like the Dutch guy that he is, finished his pint of Qingdao and ordered another pint.  The suspense was killing me {yawn}.

He drank a few gulps and then proceeded to tell me his tale.

I was riveted.   I think I smoked a pack or something while listening to his story.  It was like a movie even - like David Lynch trying to do a comedy with Kevin Costner in it. 

Here's what happened.

Kasper, who is kind of tired of his job, the universe, the human condition, being single and his two cats that constantly piss on his mattresses decided to just call it quits.  No, he wasn't planning to off himself.  He just wanted to do something different for a change, like have a mini break or a mini breather.  Like get laid.  Kasper, a gay Dutch man in his prime, needed to get laid that night.  It was a Friday, and he just came back to his apartment from a looooooong day's work  to discover that his bed smells like cat piss.  As he was changing the sheets and contemplating whether to put the cats in his microwave or his washing machine, it dawned on Kasper that hadn't had sex in quite a while. It was prolly the cat piss that got his hormones all riled up or it was prolly the stress at work or maybe it was just good old Mother Nature reminding him to use his gonads.  Kasper needed to get laid that night.  So after doing the sheets and nuking the cats, Kasper took a shower and went to the place where every single gay guy in heat in a big city has gone before - the public toilets  Y  confessional gay bar.  Yes, Kasper went to the gay bar, alone. BRRRR

Culture note.  If you happen to stop by the Big Smoke and yer gay, the best place to go to  and to be gay is HONG KONG. Okay, Beijing is not that bad. Really.  Gone were the days when our Chinese gay and lesbian comrades used to cruise each other in public parks and squares or in public toilets or in subway stations or in abandoned alleyways and such {that is so 80's} Dude, we just hosted the Olympics yo.  Beijingers do it in style now. When the Chinese gays and lesbians finally figured out that you can actually be gay and lesbian in a public space as long as it is done in a "harmonious" fashion, they decided to build gay bars {and there's fridae.com}. There is  a gay bar in Beijing.  So yes, gay tourists, you can have gay fun in Beijing - as long as you do it "harmoniously" - like no flag burning and shit and praying in the middle of Tiananmen Square.  None of that! You are allowed to wear rainbow pins though {as long as it is not more than 5, yer safe}.

OK, where were we? Oh yeah, Kasper. Gay. Gonads. Gay Bar. 

Kasper went to the one known gay bar in town - DESPERATION DESTINATION. Its not actually the only gay bar in town, I believe there are some, but its where all the gays and lesbians go to on a Friday night.  OK, its the only gay bar in town.  And being the only gay bar in town, a gay guy has a risk of overexposure.  One of the first things I learned in my Gay101 course back in college is that a gay guy must never be overexposed.  He should exude an aura of mystery like that Rose chick in Titanic {the old bitch had the diamond all along, and she threw it back into the Atlantic!}.  Young gay boys and girls, learn from Rose - A woman's heart is  like a deep ocean of secrets; you'll never know what you'll get {?}.

Lucky for my friend Kasper though, he follows the rule of two  - that is: if you go every Friday, yer desperate; if you go every Thursday and Friday and Saturday, you do it for a living; if you go every month on a Sunday, yer a Mormon or in a commited heterosexual relationship that was signed, sealed and tested in California; but if you go  twice month, yer mysterious {I dunno why, but that's what it said in my Gay101 textbook so don't ask me, ask Simon and Schuster}.

But to go alone in a gay bar, is brave.   And I have to hand it to Kasper, he was one brave and horny guy that Friday night.  YOU GO GIRL! Well he went.

So he went to Destination.  As usual, the place was packed.  He saw the regulars,  the ones who do it for a living,  the lesbians, the fag hags, the Mormons, the out of towners, the bicurious, the soul searching 16 year olds who were actually thirty but they just looked like they were 16 year olds and some newbies.   Being a gay Dutch dude, Kasper went to the place where he was most comfortable and safe, he went to the bar area and ordered his drink. After a good number of Qingdao's and some vodka red bulls.  He was drunk.  And still no lay.  

When he was about to give up, pack his Dutch ass and go home,  a guy smiled at him from across the bar.   A tall {not as tall as Kasper though}, lanky  European in his mid 20's smiled at him and approached his side of the bar. He introduced himself.  Let's just call him Sparky.  Sparky's Polish and he's only been in Beijing for about a week or so.   Truth be told, Sparky was kinda cute, in a Ramones kind of way {like if yer into old skewl punk rock with a hint of EMO on the side, Sparky's definitely for you}.  And Sparky was not wasting any time flirting with Kasper either.  It was like the night before the elections - Sparky was the GOP ticket and Kasper was Pennsylvania.  Drunk Kasper was about to cast his vote when Sparky said something to him

Can you be my master?

and then he said another....

You know you can do anything you want with me.  Anything.....

and another...

You can bring me to your place and you can tie me up somewhere near your bed and I can watch you sleep.

and another...

I can be your pet if you want. You can feed me in a bowl.


and another...


Have you got any toys?

{I'm guessing he's not talking about Legos or Transformers action figures}

Talk about pitbull with a lipstick. 

Kasper maybe Dutch, but he's not into those kinks. He looked at Sparky the Polish Dog in the eye and told him that the night was young and we'll see and all that crap. Sparky smiled, ever confident, wrote down his number on a piece of paper and walked away but without forgetting to turn back and smile again at Kasper.   I had to interrupt him. I had to ask why he didn't say yes. I mean, there's this guy in front of him, who was in serious need of some loving and some Alpo Prime Cuts and basically offering himself for the night to satisfy his gonads and all.  I mean what more could he have asked for? I was pretty sure that Sparky was potty trained since Kasper did tell me that Sparky had to excuse himself once to go to the men's room so what there was no problem in that department.  And besides, Sparky the Polish dog might just put the fear of God to Kasper's cats.  Kasper just told me that he wasn't really into those kinks.  He was more the vanilla type, he says.  He woulda said yes if it stopped in Can you be my master bit, but the feeding bowl and watching him sleep just creeped the hell outta him.  

With Sparky gone to another part of the bar, Kasper called out the bartender and ordered another beer and went to a corner where he could stay inconspicuous for the time being.  In that corner of the bar, he clung to his Qingdao and mulled about what just happened to him.  Then a guy went to his corner and smiled at him.  A Chinese guy.  Cute.  Younger than Sparky, about 20 he figures.  Short.  Nice, cropped hair.  No piercings or anything.  No EMO clothing.  Just plain a plain normal tee print and jeans and sneakers. And he was fit.   Yum. Kasper's type.  Let's call him Ling Ling.  Kasper, still wary about his experience with Sparky the Polish Dog, was trying to go slow and making safe small talk.  Ling Ling turned out to be ok.  Well,  lets just say that the conversation didn't involve any dog food or potty training so it was alright for Kasper.  So, Kasper decided to flirt a little.  Ling Ling flirted back.  One flirt led to another so Kasper decided to pop the question - he asked Ling Ling if he wanted to spend the night at his place.  Ling Ling said yes.  Kasper did the victory dance in his head.  {The Miss Saigon Soundtrack was playing in mine} .

As Kasper and Ling Ling were leaving Destination,  Sparky happened to pass by.   It couldn't be avoided since there was only one exit, Kasper acknowledged Sparky with a nod while Sparky gave Kasper a sad smile and Ling Ling the Death Glare. Ling Ling clung to Kasper and smiled at Sparky.  It was clear who won Miss Saigon that night.  Damn I love gay happy endings.

Well the story is not yet finished my friends.  

Let me have a smoke break first.

MUZAK PLAYS to the tune of "Reasons."

BACK.  Man I'm so gonna miss Zhong Nan Hai's

Where were we?  Yes.  Kim nails Chris. 

Kasper brings Ling Ling to his apartment.  Good thing he changed the sheets and nuked the cats. Once in the apartment,  Kasper sets the mood by lighting candles all over the apartment and turning on the cable tv {there was no music and they were going to have sex anyways so yeah} to some nondescript channel - CNN. 

Ling Ling sat in front of the TV watching the world unfold infront of him and listening to Wolf Blitzer tell the world that they're the best political team on TV (for the nth time! We know already!} while Kasper fixes himself a drink.   Kasper sits beside Ling Ling, puts his arm around him and sorta leans in to kiss him.  Ling Ling sorta squirms and smiles a little at Kasper and tells him:

I'm shy.
 
Then Ling Ling and went back to watching CNN.  Kasper, a bit puzzled and still horny, finishes his bloody fucking Mary  as Anderson Cooper makes his own signature "Magnum" look on TV. Kasper tells himself that this was not the night he was expecting.  He was trying to remember where he put Sparky's number.  

After a minute or two, Ling Ling finally got bored of Wolf Blitzer yapping on TV and turns to Kasper and asks him if they could take a shower together. 

Now were talking, Kasper says to himself. 

Shower. 
Nothing happened. Just soap and warm water. He thinks that this is some sort of weird form of Chinese foreplay.  Like those indipendent films he watches. 

Bed.  He's in his boxers.  Ling Ling is in his skimpy undies.

Kasper moves in to kiss Ling Ling when Ling Ling did something Kasper never thought that a guy that he would pick up in a gay bar would do. 

Ling Ling screamed. 

Ling Ling didn't just scream.  Ling Ling screamed like a girl.   And Ling Ling didn't scream just like a girl.  He screamed like a girl in a Japanese porn flick. 

This

freaked

Kasper.


Totally freaked Kasper. 

He was like
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!

Ling Ling tells Kasper that he doesn't put out on the first date.

Kasper was like,  
Am I missing something here?


I mean I have to sympathize with Kasper here. My friend met the dude in a gay bar.  They flirted.  He asked him to come back to his place, the dude said yes.  It's not like he invited him to watch CNN.  They went back to his place to do the gay deed.  The guy did not look stupid or anything.   He was actually well educated and shit. 

This was just not Kasper's night. 

Adding salt to Kasper's throbbing wound, Ling Ling said

Can you wake me up early tomorrow morning so you can sit on my feet while I do my sit ups?

Kasper told him to get the hell out when he wakes him up later.
Thing is, Kasper's still horny.  I mean, damn, twice in a row.  {I did tell him that he shoulda picked Sparky}.  With or without Ling Ling, he needed to get off.  He jerked off.  He just needed to consummate this horrid day with some sort of absolution, an ejaculation, albeit from his right hand.  Damn, he could even get off listening to Wolf Blitzer tell the world that they are the best political team on TV.

So Kasper spanked his Dutch monkey, not even bothering to go to the other room, beside Ling Ling.   It was HIS room anyways.  Ling Ling was all hot and bothered though, making girlie Japanese porn sounds.  As Kasper was trying to imagine anyone, anything {even Wolf Blitzer} aside from the present company, he was also contemplating what he did in his past life to deserve something like this.  Two in a row.   A Polish dog and a Japanese porn wanna be. 

He came. It was not much. But it was an ejaculation.  It wasn't spectacular, but it was better than Ling Ling or Sparky or even Wolf Blitzer. 

Seriously.  Life can be a bitch sometimes.  

The universe decided to play a practical joke on Kasper. She probably wanted to teach Kasper some sort of lesson about the mystery of the cosmos and all that crap.  He still doesn't know what that Friday night meant in the whole scheme of things. Kasper may never know.  But the cosmos is wise.  When a mystery unfolds in front of you, there is no choice but to let it unfold.  Let it take its course. So Kasper acquiesced, ejaculated rather. Maybe he might actually figure out what that Friday night meant. Someday.   


So ends tonght's Tale from the Big Smoke.


A word to the wise.
Never go to a gay bar alone.  You'll never know who you'll meet.  There's always Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer.  




 

WHOA. YES THEY DID.

First,  let me congratulate my American friends both here in the Noodle Kingdom and in the US for a very successful election {regardless who won, I believe it was very successful; and yep, I do have Republican friends yo}. It's clear that America has made a decisive choice, and its also clear in my mind that Americans have grown up a little.  Dudes, today, you have earned the world's respect. If not the world {believe me it is the world}, then you have earned mine.  It's not just because you chose the first African American president elect {although it is very much worth mentioning as it is very much historic; but lets not forget that he's also Hawaiian. hehe}; nor was it because you chose a Democrat to steer your country for the next four years.  Politically, I think it's mainly because that a great number of you chose to take a decisive risk.  The Americans chose a person who was {which is highly operative for president elect Obama} an unknown over a seasoned opponent; who, in my opinion {some may disagree though} was significantly different from the outgoing American President. What struck me though was that most Americans are do not just want a non-Bush president, they wanted something else - a paradigm shift.  It may not have been a full 360, mind you, but I think it was a perfect 180 or almost.  The point is, it was significant enough.  So significant that even the Republican Party were stunned by the turnout. Millions of Americans going to polling stations and waiting for hours in long queues, a good number of them even voting for the first time. "Maverick" would be best word to describe all the Americans who voted today, regardless of party affiliation.  Like I said, you have earned my respect and the world's.

I woke up today with a positive energy.  I dunno, maybe it was Barrack  Obama. Maybe it was because I woke up with a really massive hard on.  Maybe it was Sublime's Santaria that started to play in my head the minute I opened my eyes.  I dunno, but today, I woke up with so much positivity.  I was floating while walking to work singin "I DON'T PRACTICE SANTERIA. I DON'T HAVE NO CRYSTAL BALL. IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS... WELL,  I'D SPEND IT ALL."

I was at work in a meeting when my friend from the Upper East Side of the Noodle Kingdom gave me a text message.  It said

OBAMA WON! OBAMA WON! 奥巴马赢得!

And I said, HOLY. MOTHER. FUCK! In front of my workmates. They asked my what the matter was.  I told them the news.  Surprisingly, they cheered. The irony was, not one of the 25 people in the room were Americans.  We went to lunch, and I could hear a number of expats, mostly students and Chinese shouting ''Obama!" "Obama!"

Man.  And I couldn't help it but text and call people. I couldn't help but to be genuinely happy.  I'm never really into politics, it felt like somebody landed on the moon or something, or Paris Hilton had chlamydia. I have to admit, I'm sure glad that I am alive to witness something important as this. In many ways I guess, this world would not be the same world again. Cheesy, but true. Somehow, I could taste it in the Beijing air.  Prolly the carbon emissions.

And yes, they did.

Nuff said.