AN OPEN LETTER TO THE UNIVERSE

dear mr./ms./mrs. universe...

i never thought you had compassion for me. aLL my Life i've aLways thought that i was just this brown joe shmoe {who works as a part time hoe. ehehehe, ok, i know that was corny so sue me}. but then again, Life is waaaaay too mysterious for my brain ceLLs to understand.

behind aLL the buLLshit and the rough exterior, is a scrawny LittLe boy who Likes cartoons and tocino and good pre-pubescent sex!

truth be toLd, i am scared shitLess. but that don't mean i won't jump. i'm just scared of heights. but then again, i have a harness.

this might just be possibLe... and i couLd hear some cheesy Love song pLaying in my head right now. and you wanna know something? i think i don't want it to stop.

so there. once again universe, make me stupid. make me faLL fLat on me face with a gigantic mound of cowturd greeting me 'heLLo!' i submit. you van defiLe me aLL you want for your entertainment pLeasure... but don't Let the fuckin music stop. because you owe me that one at Least.

and by the way, thanks. i never thought that you had a heart...

today

is/was my birthday {at Least in this part of the worLd it is}. truth be toLd, i hate birthdays. it's just another reminder for me that mortaLity is right around the corner and i better make haste in working in the fieLds so that i might be abLe {hopefuLLy} to reap what i have sown. aside from the mortaLity bit, i have come to not Like birthday parties because of some unsavory events in my past birthday parties. i have been receiving greetings from friends and famiLy, which i somehow appreciate {in a weird kinda way} even though i don't Like to remember my birthday. my vox neighbors nina and sunny keep saying it's just a number. it proLLy is, but i have yet to find the wisdom the wisdom of those words. i proLLy wiLL someday, when i'm saggy and geriatric and drinking my margaritas on a beach in antartica.

Last night, i have decided to make this day toLerabLe if not speciaL. i didn't want to ceLebrate, i mean, what for? jaded as i am, i reaLized that i am not THAT jaded. i stiLL am a cLoseted romantic {not the hoLLywood kind though}. i decided to make it a bit speciaL just a bit.

i reaLized that for the past 28 years {yes i'm 28 but i feeL Like i'm pushing 60 and beyond}, i have been ceLebrating my birthdays the same oLd way, and it's kinda getting oLd {pun intended}. you know, food, booze, iLLegaL substances, porn, human sacrifice, orgies, the proverbiaL birthday cake with them candLes Lit and i have to bLow the damn thing without spitting on it, yadda yadda. i decided to make my birthday this year different. no parties. no booze. no food. and no friggen cake with them candLes!

i decided to fast on my birthday. yes, a birthday fast. i started Last night at the stroke of midnight right after my sister caLLed me from caLifornia crying her eyes out {she's currentLy in the middLe of a messy divorce and by yoda i don't Like her sniveLLing-two-timing-greedy-soon-to-be-ex-husband-sLash-crackhead who i hope chokes on his toast right now}.

a birthday fast. i wiLL not eat anything soLid, anything chewabLe for the whoLe day. so far i've onLy "drank" oatmeaL and i wasn't abLe to finish it. and oh yes, Lemonade and water too. so far i'm doing ok, Like i haven't fainted or anything. in fact i was abLe to cLean me fLat and do the Laundry and wash dishes whiLe Listening to baden-poweLL {bossa nova is da bomb! i am so going to braziL when i'm friggen Loaded. maybe i'LL die there whiLe dancing samba in the middLe of sao paoLo wearing nothing but a band aid on me private parts. *Omar crosses his fingers}.

anywaaay, ennuf of braziL. why fasting, you ask. coz i've been eating for 28 god damn years! and i'm tired of it. no i don't have an eating disorder. i just wanted to, weLL for the Lack of a better word, make this day god damn toLerabLe.

and one more thing. you know i am not a reLigious person. i am cathoLic, oh yes {and i'LL aLways be, i reckon} but i am no saint. i respect reLigion in any form. i actuaLLy find it interesting and in many ways, profound. but reLigion is not my cup of jizz, i reckon. i do beLieve in jesus christ, and buddah and aLLah and the madonna {the mother not the singer, but yeah the singer kicks major ass too}, joseph, moses, david and jonathan, krishna and aLL them good peopLe who waLked this earth and spread goodness Like it was some fLyer for starbucks. and i beLieve in god. but these things {if ya can caLL'em things}, they're not reLigion. bah, i don't wanna have a Lecture on theoLogy and spirituaLity so i better stop. STOP!

ok there. yeah, i am not reLigious but i think that there is something "higher" than me, than this, this, this... reaLity i am condemned or thrown or existing or {insert any word here} in. be it god, the universe, the cosmos, karma, whathaveyou, i beLieve that there is a higher power or rather a higher consciousness that connects peopLe, things, the weather, Life in generaL.... the cosmos... Like we are aLL interconnected or woven from a singLe thread. it's Like myspace {ugh} where everybody is connected to tom {seriousLy, who wouLd have THAT many friends? even the friggen pope doesn't have that number of devout foLLowers}. anyways, yeah jeez i keep getting sidetracked i shouLd buy myseLf a one track mind for the Life of me {they don't have it at waLmart yet}. ok stop. STOP!

there

fasting. interconnectedness. cosmos. myspace. i wanted to fast because i wanted to make a wish. weLL, wishes actuaLLy. actuaLLy they're not my wishes per se. they're Like hopes and dreams. or my hopes and dreams for the peopLe i know and care about. {yes, i do have mushy moments}. it's Like this prayer, onLy more personaL, more sacred {for me it is} and more profound {ditto}.

for the past 20 something hours whiLe i have been trying to empty my body, i have aLso been trying to empty my mind. reLeasing thoughts of any kind to the cosmos hoping that it wouLd be heard or grasped or understood or even feLt by someone or some thing eLse. i was praying... i have been praying... i stiLL am as i type this bLog entry.

what am i praying for?

many things, i guess...

for my sister in caLifornia who is in the middLe of this messy divorce. for my parents to grow oLd and happy {reaL happy}, for my sibLings and their daughters and sons to have Live a good Life. for my 2 bestfriends to have the happiness and success they deserve. for a friend who feeLs he's Lost right now. for a friend who hopes to have her SRS within 10 years. for a friend who's in a midLife crisis. for a friend who has just found his freedom. for a friend who's recovering. for a friend who has diabetes. for a friend who has a heart condition. for a friend who has a Lump in his brain. for a friend who's going to coLLege. for a friend out of work. fora friend who's burned out. for two friends who had a faLLing out. for a friend who has faLLen out of Love. for a frien in Love. for a friend who's finding Love. for a friend who has found Love. for my friends in London, france, serbia, jamaica, austria, scotLand, newcastLe, austraLia, indonesia, maLaysia, singapore, the states, spain, china, phiLippines, guam, japan, canada and a whoLe Lotta other pLaces. for worLd peace {i stiLL beLieve in it}. for africa. for aids. for iLiteracy. for chiLd Labor. for the environment. for the middLe east. for mindanao. for my coconut repubLic. for hunger and sickness. for truth. beauty. freedom. Love. for justice. for civiL Liberties. for brotherhood and sisterhood. for dreams. for today. for tomorrow.

i'm no saint, so don't get me wrong. but even sinners and Losers pray. or hope for something better.

i am

a sinner