green with envy . Lucky bastards

i just realized that it's summer in my coconut repubLic. damnit. and it's stiLL freezing here. it snowed again yesterday. {makes a sad face}

it's 6 am here in the noodLe kingdom {gotta be at work in two hours}. i hate this. peopLe are proLLy headed to the beaches and shit, wearing nothing but a thong and a bandana. not that i'm envious of them wearing thongs {Like eeew}. and here i am nursing my coffee wearing my canary yeLlow bathrobe at 6 fuckin am. jesus, i can't even feeL my baLLs. when yer in the tropics yer baLLs just dangLe and sway like a fuckin penduLum. but here, it's just fuckin miniscuLe Like a fuckin sunmaid raisin.

ok, i'm green with envy. i wish i were at some warm pLace right now. swimming. running. waLking. eating icecream or Letting it meLt in my warm mouth. with 5. with my bestfriends. with my famiLy. with my paroLe officer. but noooooooo, i have to go to work and be a whore. fuck i can even hear the wind outside {think katabactic winds - i dunno if it's the right speLLing , too Lazy to check and fucknot}.

i'm thinkin...
maybe i shouLd move to a warmer country... Like argentina for exampLe {is it warm?} and be a waiter. i think i can wait on tables. or maybe serve drinks. or dance the fucking tango with some 60 something widow{/er}. i haveta go anyways, i'm gonna be Late for work.

what to do. what to do.

fag. coffee. shower. dress {think 3 kiLos of cLothing}. fag. coffee. cab.

somebody pLease save me from this winter.

thought for the day

why is it that we always look at our turd {shit} before we fLush'em? don't teLL me you don't Look {even just a gLance}. i have this theory that aLL perfectLy normaL human beings Look at their turd before they fLush. whuddya think?

bLizzard schmizzard.

darn it, darn it, darn it. i woke up today and i Looked outside me window and there's a bLizzard. a bLizzard. and i thought the warm weather was aLready a good sign that we was gonna have an earLy spring. {2 weeks peopLe, 2 fuckin whoLe weeks without knickers i went outside my fLat and it was sooooooo good to just wear somethng without Layers}. and now there's a bLizzard outside. a fuckin bLizzard.

and it's supposed to be the Last day of the spring festivaL season, the Lantern festivaL with aLL the fire works and sweet baLL thingie soups {they caLL it tang yuan here} and shit.

it's gLobaL warming i teLL ya. gLobaL fucking warming. aLL the fucking CFC's and KFCs and any three lettered acronym that ends with a C are trying to make a fucking grand comeback and a wake up caLL. aL gore was right, and the rest of the green brigade. we need to change the way we consume our naturaL resources and the way we spend our nationaL budgets. fucking free market economy shouLd rethink itseLf. that incLudes us. us. you. me. yer grannies. yer other haLves. yer secret haLves aside from yer other haLves. yer househoLd heLp. yer fuckin presidents. yer tax guy. yer fuckbuddy. yer preacher. yer bestfriend. yer crush. yer popstar. US.

damnit enuff of the preachin and time for some bLoggin.

i had a reiki session with wendy the other night. damn was she good. she reaLLy went aLL the way with the scents, oiLs, crystaLs, tarot cards and shit. it was so good that i dozed off on me tummy in the middLe of the session. good thing there was taibshe {her cat} who kept me awake because he kept Licking my right arm from time to time. i guess he Likes oLive oiL. by the way, i never knew that cat tongues feeL Like sand paper. i wunder what their tastebuds are Like?

anyways, after the reiki session, wendy gave me a reading. and it was kind of reveaLing. the cards actuaLLy vaLidated some of the things that have been swimming in my head for the past year or so.

reiki's just so kewL.

i've been faithfuL to my yoga {3 months and going strong}. i'm pLanning to do piLates too and then gym. yeah, you proLLy have figured out aLready that i Live quite a sorry Life that i need to vaLidate my existence by maintaining my 60 kiLograms. whut can i say? i'm shaLLow, so screw you. {kidding}

speaking of piLates. it's so fucking funny, the whoLe thing. i was Laughing my ass off whiLe i was doing piLates two nights ago. you see, i bought this set of vids on piLates. it said on the cover, "piLates for men" and it had a picture of some marLboro guy that had 12 pack abs or something who was doing some piLates pose. so yeah, i said to myseLf, fuck i've been meaning to have jesus abs then why not try fucking piLates. so i bought it. then Later that night, i tried the first vid {beginners} and i was Like, ok this is easy kinda Like yoga. but when the guy on the vid {jonathan urLa or something} told me to roLL over and hoLd my feet and so and so and cLap Like a fucking sea Lion from ocean park and sea worLd, that reaLLy set me off Laughin. imagine a grown man Lying on his back roLLing forwards and backwards and cLapping Like a seaL whiLe waiting for a fish treat from the hunky trainor in speedos. i did it anyways. i even made seaL sounds. fuck that shit. i Luved it. i was teary eyed because of the utter stupidity of the whoLe thing.

but
but
BUT
here's the kicker...

the next morning, my abs hurt Like heLL. i mean Like heLL.the Last time my abs feLt Like this was when i was 16 and i masturbated for 45 minutes under a mango tree in the middLe of the rice fieLd many summers ago {oooh those were the days my friend... those wer the days}. i have to say that piLates totaLLy rocked my abs. fuck you'd Look stupid i mean reaLLy stupid doing it but i don't care if i need to cLap Like a seaL Lion or jump Like a chimp or do the fucking hokey pokey as Long as it does the work, fuck i'm in!

jesus abs here i cum!

***********************************

updateupdateupdate

i am never ever... everrrrrrrr going to do what i just did again. never. ever. cross my fucking heart and i hope that my dead grandmother cut off me baLLs and feed it to the dogs of hades if i ever do.

one piece of unsolicited advise kids.

NEVER FUCKING GO OUT DURING A BLIZZARD. NEVER. NEVER. EVERRRRRRR.

not even if james van der beek is waiting for your sorry ass at the gate. not even if it means cLaudia fucking schiffer is gonna give you some mindbLowing sex after. not even if the queen of fucking engLand or tumbuktu makes you an honorary member of the royaL fucking famiLy.

never.

and don't say i didn't warn you.

so it is possible for two men to do ballroom.

a night with oscar and mrs. robinson

ahh the OSCARS... nothin beats watching the academy awards on a duLL monday night {i had to wait for the delayed and edited teLecast of the 79th academy awards. and yes it was THAT duLL, my monday}.

one thing that i've noticed in this year's academy awards was how the winners were very conscious about their speech time. weLL who wouLdn't be when you've got an audience of the academy's "best" giving you the death stare pLus the orchestra down beLow trying to kiLL yer oscar moment with that sorry-bud-yer-time-is-up-theme.

my personaL bests in the oscars were

1. definiteLy the shadow thing that they did. and they're naked! so says eLLen.
2. the eLements and motion segment in the oscars. that was reaL groovy.
3. meLissa etheridge kissing her wife on nationaL teLevision when her name was caLLed out. now that's the way to kiss a woman!
4. forrest whitaker's moving speech, which was reaLLy weLL, moving.
5. eLLen asking spieLberg to take her and eastwood's pic for myspace. that reaLLy cracked me up.
6. LittLe miss sunshine!

nuff of the oscar buzz. we'LL forget it the next day anyways.

i chatted with a friend today on ym. she was adamant that we taLk. she even wanted to caLL me but i toLd her that my phone was busted. so we chatted. she was in diLemma on whether she shouLd date this cute guy that she reaLLy reaLLy Likes and she kinda needed someone to Listen to her that time {weLL her room mate was out at work so i was the onLy viaLe option. bitch}.

so yeah, i asked her what was wrong and she teLLs me that she met this cute british guy at a pub in beijing Like a week ago and whatnot and the guy was watching footbaLL match in which engLand Lost {that's a nobrainer}. what made her reaLLy attracted with the bLoke was his sad sad ohhhh so sad face when engLand Lost the match. his Look was was Like that of a Lost puppy hiding in some corner trash bin under the pouring rain. weLL,she's a sucker for Lost puppy Looks and i couLdn't bLame her.

so asked her what the probLem was. she wouLdn't answer me. weLL i thought it must be serious if she wouLdn't answer me. so i made guesses to which she would repLy with either a YES or NO.

GUESS #1 is he married?
ANSWER no

GUESS #2 is he gay? {i had to ask}
ANSWER no

GUESS #3 does he have a girLfriend?
ANSWER no {he was with his mates that time so in a pub decorum in beijing it means he's singLe}

GUESS #4 is he a priest? missionary? mormon? scientoLogist?
ANSWER no no no heLL no

GUESS #5 is he in anyway reLated to you?
ANSWER no {gawd he's british!}

GUESS #6 he Likes another girL doesn't he?
ANSWER no. {he was staring at her the whoLe time!}

GUESS #7 is he suicidaL?
ANSWER no. {he was just sad that engLand Lost}

i was getting reaLLy impatient and i was running out of questions and i was waiting for the oscars and the Q&A was getting us tonowhere so i asked the Last stupidest question/guess i could think of

GUESS #8 is he 12?
----------- silence -----------

5 seconds. i teLL you, 5 seconds peopLe.

and i couLdn't heLp but type the words
WELL DON'T WORRY xxxx ... JESUS STILL LOVES YOU, MORE THAN YOU WILL KNOW... WO WO WO...

in which she gave me a bitch repLy.

ok, the bLoke's not reaLLy 12. he's actuaLLy 19 {so he says}. and she's, weLL... {TOOT TOOOT}. Let's just say that in my part of the hemisphere where i grew up she'd be his aunt or even his middLe schooL geography teacher.

so i asked her if she reaLLy Liked him. she told me sorta {meaning she Likes him}. and then i asked her again if she thinks he's reaLLy not a minor with which she repLied back BITCH in aLL caps. ok, i guess i deserved that. so i quickLy consulted the googLe god about the age of consent in engLand and after 0.16 seconds and with about 1,600,000 resuLts {thank you sergey and Larry}, i finaLLy had the answer.

i toLd her not to worry since the age of consent in engLand is 16 {homosexuaL or heterosexuaL}. so she just has to make sure that mr. england puppy face is indeed above 16. and if she's stiLL not sure if the bLoke is not a minor then she shouLd be checking his armpits the next time she sees him just to be sure! weLL, brits are way to hairy anyways, i think they start growing hair when between 7 and 11 {it applies to both of the sexes}. PEACE my goodnatured british friends.

but seriousLy. it made me think though.

why is it hard for women to date/sLeep with younger men but it's so oh so easy for men to date/sleep with younger women?

a foLLow up to that. why do peopLe in generaL think that its not appropriate for women to date/sLeep with younger men whereas it is acceptabLe for men to date/sLeep with younger women?

another foLlow up {i Love foLLow ups}.

WHY NOT?

2 words. DOUBLE STANDARD.

and to think society and cuLture in generaL has advanced in the Last 5 decades or so. mind you, she's not even asian. she's a sophisticated european who can make a mean breakfast and Loves jazz and biLLie hoLiday {you shouLd hear her sing a biLLie hoLiday its awesome and i teLL you its awesome!}.

i guess no matter where you come from, categoricaL prejudices on race, sex, gender, beLief or non beLief aLways share a cLoset space in a person's psyche.

so i gave her my one yuan worth of opinion {since she asked for it}.

fuck them. fuck the peopLe who'd raise an eyebrow. so what? they're not paying your gas and eLectricity. so fuck them. and fuck mr. engLand puppy dog eyes. fuck him Like he's never been fucked before. with protection of course.

i guess that's what she just wanted hear. so she's gonna go on with their date next week or maybe tomorrow or whenever is convenient. good for her.

but i did gave her a coupLa more advice.

better go dutch on the date. never foot the biLL.

and if he wants the two of them to eat at mc donaLds weLL she better run Like heLL coz he sure needs to grow more hair in his armpits.

early spring, on iona ferrari and the quest for my drag name

oh yes, spring comes early this year in my part of the planet. thank global warming for that and all the transnational companies that encourage global warming. and oh yes, the smokers too put's out the cigarette and pops a breath mint}. so yeah, its been quite warm the past week that i rarely wear anything except my jacket and a t-shirt and a pair of jeans without the long johns. around this time last year, i was still wrapped with a a ton of clothing just to keep warm. when i went out today to have a noodle fix, all the snow in my compound has already melted. ahhhh spring. i just love it, but the winds in these parts are just atrocious. scary even {imagine a banshee singing the russian anthem}.

things i'm itching for

1. i can't wait to go back to work. honest. my whole body is screaming for work already.
2. i can't wait to go back to the gym. i know it sounds superficial but i haveta keep in shape {with my smoking habit and all} and besides, it gives me a little distraction from OTHER things. the gym's been closed for 2 weeks coz of the chinese spring festival. its gonna open tomorrow and i'll be there to cut the ribbon and shit and hit the treadmill.
3. i miss running outside. prolly in a months time i can go back to running outdoors again. bhut for now, i have to stick with the treadmill.

by the way. my friend david {another david, honestly there are so many davids in this world that i think future parents should need to look for new names if they want to name their son OR daughter david} went to the philippines for a two week vacation. david's an american expat living in china for almost a decade now. he's a businesman slash performer slash husband {has a chinese partner} slash diva. i've only known him for 3 months but i've seen him on television specials here in china since day one {i've been here for almost 5 years}. he's what you'd call a one man show. he sings, he acts, he owns a coupla businesses, he's gay, he's partnered, he's a father the whole nine yards. anyways, david and i met in the most unusual circumstances {long story. and too lazy too tell}. so when he told me that he was planning to visit the philippines for two weeks, i was sorta surprised. i kinda figured him out to be a thailand guy or a bali guy. i asked him what was it that made him want to go to the philippines. he told me that he got tired of thailand and he wanted something a bit more "low key". he's heard about palawan and he wanted to check out el nido and/or aman pulo. he was in need for some advice about what to do and shit and the gay life in manila and palawan and whether to choose amanpulo or el nido.

so i gave my 20 cents worth. i told him that amanpulo was waaaay too expensive so i suggested el nido instead. about gay life, i told him some of the places that he could vheck out when he's in manila. although not the partying kind, david asked me if there were any bear bars in manila. i told him that i didn't know. i checked with the google god but there weren't any. come to think of it, why aren't there any bear bars in manila? i think there is a fairly good number of bears in manila.

food for thought to all the gay entrepreneurs out there, why are all the gay clubs and hang outs focused on one type of crowd? {like i should ask that question}. well, at the risk of over generalizing, many gay clubs are focused on the young ones - the nouveau gay, the twenty something crowd and the early thirtyish demographic. granted they have the money, especially them young ones who'd just be willing to spend hard earned cash for a friday night out. but hey, theyre not the only ones who have money to spend. just a thought. although i haven't really checked out the gay scene that well when i went back to manila last summer but when i asked some of my gay friends about having a bear bar, they told me they didn't know of any. in fairness to the gay establishments in manila, recent years has shown a whole lotta improvement when it comes to the urban gay nightlife. gone are the nights when you have to go to some cockroach infested cinema or a pissed smelly park just to see or experience something gay. there are actually a whole lotta choices now. there's the prverbial gay bar when you can have a lay for pay, the karaoke stand up comic clubs, the gaypubs when you can have a drink or two {and then some}, the bathouses and of course the quintessential QaF/babylon themed clubs that many young party goers {gay or straight} flock to. however, the the gentrification of the gay scene in manila also has or have its downside{s}. meh! whatev, i'm already waaaaay outta topic now. all i'm saying is that i hope that there will come a time in gay manila when a gay man/woman can enter a bar and not be judged by the clothes they wear, the language that they use, the portable phones that they carry, and the mannerisms that they unconsciously show. meh, i'm a fcuking dreamer. but who knows? anything can happen right?

anyways, back to david. he came back a coupla days ago and we were chatting online about his experience in the philippines.

so he went to manila to stay for a coupla days. i asked a good friend to help him out while he was in manila. what was supposedly a two day stay in manila turned out to be a 5 day stay because he didn't make any reservations to a hotel and a travel agent and all. poor david thought that it would have been easy to make settle those things in manila since he was able to do the same thing in thailand and in europe. i had to tell him {as much as i hated to } that our tourism industry is not {yet} at par with thailand or even eastern europe for that matter. he continued telling me that he had fun in el nido. but he was surprised to find out that there weren't any banks or atms on the island. he told me that in thailand {grrrrr} it was easy to find banks and shit. that was his only issue {thank god} but he told me he had a relaxing time in el nido. there was also a crew of french people on location filming a french version of survivor. he even got laid there. and oh yeah he loved the food.

ok, the philippines may not be a thailand but it does have its own charms, my coconut republic. all in all, he didn't have a bad time in the philippines. he told me that he might even go back for another vacation. but he told me he'd be prepared to carry traveller's check and a whole lotta credit cards.

i do miss my coconut republic. even the smog. and the rallies and demonstrations {are there still any?}. the street food. the jeepneys. and the heat. oh the heat. i miss the heat. i was telling all these things to david and he kinda figured out that i was a little bit homesick. so he decided to change the topic of our chat conversation. he started talking about the time when he went drag.

david in drag.

it would've been a sight. he plans to show me his pics in drag the next time we meet in person. i asked him if he had a drag name. he told me had two. one was IONA FERRARI. i reckon, it is fabulous. i keep imagining david, this 50 something gay white man, in a sequins cocktail dress, with makeup and shoes and a bag to boot. iona ferrari. it cracked me up. the other one was just recently made up. i guess she got tired of the iona ferrari bit being kinda hard core and fast paced {his early years} and decided on a subtler, more laid back name - DEE DEE DOUBLEDEE. i said what? well, he is from tennessee so i can't blame him. i told him i liked the iona ferrari name better. but he told me DDDD was prettier.

Dee Dee Doubledee... hailing from tennessee. swingin in a tree. yeah, i guess it was a better name than iona ferrari.

he did tell me that i'd look good in drag. but he told me i had to get rid of the goattee and have my eyebrows plucked. i told him the thought of doing drag at least for one night in my life had occured to me. truth be told i really do want to go in drag at least once {or maybe more if i liked it LoL}.

maybe one of these days, in the not so distant future, Omar will walk the streets of < insert any city of choice... i mean any city including tehran for that matter > in a chanel cocktail dress, cartier accessories and fuckin jimmy choos. or maybe i'd be wearing the latest duds in the women's department from costco or walmart or pigglywigglys. fuck a dress is a dress, so whatever.

david tells me that i have to have a drag name. he's right by the way. i can never do drag without having a drag name. he gave a suggestion

FILLA MEA UPPA. i told him it was kinda slutty. it sounds really foereign but its still sounds slutty. it was like dee dee doubledee on crack and booze. i wanted something like iona ferrari. filla mea uppa's kinda like saying :

im-not-a-slut-but-i-do-like-a-good-load-on-my-face-once-in-a-while.

so i told him that filla mea uppa's gotta go. and i ain't shavin my goattee or plucking my eyebrows either. maybe the goatte but the eyebrows no can do.

i'm even thinkin if i can go drag with 5. he did tell me once that he wanted to go drag at least once in his life. maybe we can do it together. ehehe. i think it would be hot though. me and him wearing cocktail dresses and killer shoes. and kissing. dayumn. now i can't wait to go drag.

so i'm thinking of my drag name now. it has been occupying my thoughts since last night. i mean yeah, its just a name. but still names are important. especially when you choose your own name. it's a phenomenal experience for me. it's kinda like i'm being born again. i like my chosen name {rufusOmar} and it took me years before i finally made up my mind to stick to that name. now i'm choosing a drag name. i hope it's not gonna take that long to choose a name that will match my chanel cocktail dress and jimmy choos {or if things don't turn out fabulously, walmart/costco and payless}.

whatever. like what a wise queen once said:

it's not the dress that makes you fabulous in drag. its how you channel all the goddesses that came before you that makes you glorious and resplendent.

word.

The Confessions of an Insom{a}niac XIV - out of the cLoset and into the frying pan

Let me start this confession with my dream this morning. i think it's somehow connected or summat {Like what murakami said in "dance, dance, dance," everything is connected.

i had another weird dream today, and it's got weirdness marqueed aLL over it. so weird was my dream that when i woke up at 11 something am, i had the weirdest feeLing in my Loins. i couLdn't even concentrate on my yoga poses this "morning" {if you'd caLL 11 something am 'morning'}. at the gym i couLdn't even focus on my exercises {or maybe that was just my hunger kicking in?}.

what was my dream aLL about, you say?

weLL............

i dreamt i was having sex with a woman. okay, scratch that. i was not onLy having sex with a woman, but i was having hot passionate sex with a woman. ok scratch that again. i was not just having hot passionate sex with a woman, but i was having an uber hot passionate kama sutra sex with a woman.

Let me Lay out the terms here, when i mean 'uber', i mean uber-Like-porn-beL-ami-{or the heterosexuaL version of bel ami whateverthenameis}-uber. when i say 'hot' and 'passionate', i mean reaaaaaLLy sizzLing pan fried hawt and passionate in pan screen vivid coLor cinematography comparabLe to an ang Lee movie. and when i mean 'kama sutra', i mean kama sutra with yoga Like positions that i wouLdn't even dream of doing in an actuaL intercourse.

the weirder thing was {yes it gets weirder}...

weLL, in my dream, i was reaLLy enjoying it - aLL sweaty and shit coupLed with moans here and there. weLL, ok not just moans but i don't want to overshare here. i don't kiss and teLL. me, Omar {gay dude}, having sex with a woman and enjoying it.

now i'm a LittLe bit confused. weLL not confused CONFUSED, but more of weLL, whuts the word????? PERPLEXED {yeah, that shit hit the spot}. i practicaLLy spent the whoLe day, weLL, just thinkin about it. i mean, hey it was some dream. and somehow i enjoyed it.

truth be toLd, i am a virgin when it comes to heterosexuaL sex. but there have been times when a whatitwouLdbeLiketohavesexwiththeoppositesex thought wouLd cross my mind.

LateLy {Like in the past months}, i've been thinkin about it a great deaL. i think it's kinda easy to have sex here in china if yer straight {so come ye breeders young and oLd, and bisexuaLs too!}. come to think of it, most of the peopLe who came on to me here in china, on a number of occasions were in fact women. sometimes i wish i were straight. it wouLd've been Less compLicated. a straight person in a straight worLd wouLdn't have the pressures of say, getting Laid for one. but aside from that, you'd have aLL yer civiL Liberties {weLL at Least most of it} Laid out to you on a siLver tupperware pLatter. the irony is, many straight peopLe in many pLaces, don't even give enuff vaLue to these so caLLed civiL Liberties. weLL, because it's just a given. sigh. sometimes i wish i couLd be straight.

nowwaitjustagawddarnminuteherewhutthefLyingfuckdoesthismean?!?

couLd it be that i am having 'doubts' about my sexuaLity? Like could it be that i'm in fact straight? i sure hope to jesus not! i can't just IN myseLf for cryin out Loud! what wouLd my southern baptist sister think! Like it took her years to accept that her oncekidbrother bats for the rainbow team. she'd proLLy have a thanksgiving prayer or summat. i can't just teLL my parents "mom, dad, i think i Like girLs." i think they'd freak out or summat. my crazy sister{s} wouLd proLLy Laugh at my face.

ok the Last paragraph was cLearLy buLLshit. sometimes i think that these are just LabeLs, you know. gay, straight,Lesbian, bisexuaL, transexuaL. i know they're important and aLL but most of the times, peopLe , weLL the straightrightwinguLtrareLigioustheworLdiscomingtoanendLestyeaLLfuckinrepentand shitkindapeopLe, tend to focus on these LabeLs to push a certain agenda. at the end of the day, we are aLL just peopLe. eating, shitting, sLeeping, working, ranting, whathaveyou peopLe. so whut if i sLeep with a guy? so whut if so and so wear women's wear? so whut if she Likes it both ways? why the fLying fuck wouLd you care? the bottom Line is WE PAY THE FUCKIN TAXES LIKE YOU DO, YOU RIGHT WING FUNDIE DICKWADS {and we proLLy pay more for that matter}.

OK, omar, controL thyseLf. breathe. {i am one with the universe and oprah winfrey ooooooooooohhhhhhhmmmmmm}.

fuckthatshit. i need a fag ciggie break.

>>>>> ciggie break {eLevator music pLaying... sky rockets in fLight... afternoooooooon deeeeeLyte..... yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah afternooooon deeeeeeeLyyyyte!} <<<<<

there. aLL better.

ennuff about me dreams. so yeah, i've been thinkin' about whut it wouLd feeL Like if i have sex with a woman. it's not Like imma do it anyways, but hey, whatever.if it happens, it happens.

speaking of heterosexuaLity. a Lottuvthe expats here in changchun think wendy and i are an item. wendy is this canadian girL i usuaLLy go out with whenever and whatever. she's a totaL fruitfLy {she admits it and was the one who toLd me about the word} and we've know each other for over a year now. there was even one occasion when some guy wendy and i both know asked her why i wasn't going to thaiLand with wendy since we were going out and shit. uhuh. i guess i shouLd start wearing super tight shirts and spray gLitter and fairy dust everytime i go into a pub or a bar. better yet, maybe i shouLd bring a rainbow fLag and sing cher songs? nina's right, i guess. peopLe {incLuding non-heterosexuaL peopLe} stereotype. this didn't onLy happen with wendy, apparentLy with every girL that i was friends with. Like jane for exampLe. i had to teLL her japanese boyfriend that i Liked guys {Like LiteraLLy speLL it out to him with mime actions and shit} so he wouLd stop getting jeaLous of me. taLk about forced outing.

thing is, i don't need to out myseLf to the whoLe worLd. i'm not a friggen activist or anythin for that matter. i'm just, weLL, ME. i am out to the peopLe who matter to me. Like if a person is THAT important to me, that person shouLd know. it's a risk that i aLways have to take. mind you, it's not aLways a pretty sight. it's no fuckin picnic. that's why i aLways teLL my straight friends that it's so easy for them. Like soooooooo easy. no need to prepare a speech. no need to be aLL anxious about the whatifs and this and that. no need to have a near heart attack whiLe wating for the 4 or 5 seconds tiLl they respond. i've been Lucky, coz most of my friends were ok about it.

i remember one time in bandcamp when i had to write an emaiL to a reaL good friend of mine. that was two years ago. i was backpacking in the western part of china. i wrote him an emaiL teLLing him i was gay and that i wouLd understand yadi yadi yada. the wait was Like fucking forever. when i opened his emaiL {which was roughLy the same day i sent it}, it onLy said WHOA. thats aLL. i was fuckin crushed. i aLmost fuckin cried in that internet bar in urumuqi. i cLosed the emaiL. and i fuckin wanted to get pissed drunk that night. but i decided against it. i wanted to write a fuckin Letter to him teLLing him that he was a scumbag and shit and i just poured out my fucking seLf to him coz i considered him a reaL good friend and shit and aLL he couLd say was WHOA!? so i wrote him a repLy and when i was writing my repLy, it was then i noticed that i didn't read the whoLe emaiL. way way way way way waaaaaaaay beLow WHOA were the words 'GOTHCA! ITS OK. GLAD YOU TOLD ME.' fuckinggggggggg heLL! ehehehe. that was one of my happiest COMING OUT experience ever. btw, you know who you are. FUCK YOU and yeah, i Luv you shitLoads. you owe me a beer {or two} and i am stiLLgonna getcha for that prank.

and to think that was the easy part.

some peopLe think that after you come out, everything's peaches and cream. weLL heLL fuckin no! ask any gay, Lesbian, bisexuaL transexuaL person who came out or any straight person who has a GLBT friend that came out and they wiLL teLL you that it is definiteLy fuckin NO. when yer outta the cLoset, ya gotta face the fire. and dude{ette}, there's no turnin back. sometimes i can't even bLame my friends who don't come out of the cLoset. there's aLways that fear. that incessant nagging at the back of yer head that peopLe wiLL burn you aLive if they knew. that you'LL be ostracized by society. that you'LL Lose yer job. that minister casting you to the fiery brimstone of fundamentaList heLL, pat robertson styLe. that you'd be LabeLed as a predator, chiLd moLester and the hoLLywood psychopath that owns a rundown moteL in the middLe of nowhere that kiLLs his mother and keeps her in the basement. it's no picnic i teLL you. some peopLe wouLd even teLL me, why even bother coming out?

why did i decide to come out? weLL, it was my personaL choice. it was aLso a pragmatic decision on my part. i feLt that i couLd operate {couLdn't find any suitabLe word} better in society if i were outta my cLoset rather than in it. i chose to face the fire. and besides, i'm a fuckin' scorpio for cryin' out Loud.

i'm no hero here, mind you. god knows i'm fLawed to my my bone marrow. and i don't feeL sorry for my gay brothers and sisters who are in the cLoset. it's their decision. i respect that. and a good number of them can function weLL enough even without teLLing their famiLy and friends about their sexuaLity {they proLLy know aLready in most cases}. coming out is aLways a personaL choice. a personaL Leap of faith. it's not forced out of you. its a decision. BUT I DO FEEL SORRY FOR MY GAY BROTHERS AND SISTERS {either in or outta the cLoset} WHO FORCE OTHER PEOPLE TO COME OUT because of their own seLfish motives and sometimes even their own twisted agendas. FYI, we are not here to CONVERT straight peopLe into "gayness" and there is no such thing. and what IRRITATES me are some {i hope not many} in the gay {and the straight} community who tend to put other peopLe in categories and beLittLe them because of the way they dress, speak and act. fucking Look at the mirror and your bathroom cabinet for cryin out Loud. or better yet, watch fucking FLAWLESS {philip seymour hoffman gave such an exceLlent performance} so you couLd have a good dose of the reaLity piLL. no matter your outta the cLoset or in it, it won't be the BE ALL or END ALL of you being a person. why do we aLways make a fuss about the cLoset?

"are you out or stiLL in the cLoset?" but the reaL question is, are you a good person {gay or not, in or out}?

i'm not perfect, ok. aLLs i'm sayin is that we shouLd aLways have to keep our own prejudices in check. we aLL have fLaws. fuck, biLL gates has poor vision. oprah is thin today, fat tomorrow and thin the next fortnight. paris hiLton, weLL, is paris hiLton and has/had herpes. Lindsay Lohan has a drug probLem. and that supermodeL whaatshername proLLy has a wart or two somewhere in her body.

anyways, nuff of that. aLL i know is i beLieve in what kinsey thought about human sexuaLity. but most of aLL i beLieve in the human person. sexuaLity is but an aspect of personhood. it is part of who i am,yes. but it certainLy does not define me. i define me. its not my dick {to wherever or to whatever it chooses to go into} that defines me. it's my decisions, my actions and my thoughts that define me. it's not just my being gay or straight or whatever that matters. i think what reaLLy matters is if i am a good person or a fucking eviLdoer {borrowing that american president's terminoLogy}.

to the peopLe who've accepted me. my heartfeLt thanks because you saw beyond my sexuaLity and you tried to see the whoLe me. THANK YOU. and yes, i promise if i ever become a friggen gaziLLionare i'd invite you to visit my isLand and stay in the hatchet and press the goddamn button every 180 minutes or fucknot.

and to you bigots out there who just seem to want to mind MY BUSINESS... weLL, i say this to you...

take me as i am you motherfuckers. you quote me the bibLe. i'd quote you the bibLe. you teLL me about the constitution. i'LL teLL you about civiL fucking Liberties. you taLk about safeguarding society and the famiLy. i teLL you about the taxes that i fuckin pay to have your sons and daughters go home safeLy from whereever they go so that you couLd beat the crap outta them. you teLL me about yer fuckin rights. i teLL you about what is owed to me. and if you use brute force or infLlict any harm on me. weLL, i have my wit, my eyebrows and my fucking Limbs to kick and punch yer sorry mutherfuckinass {and my fucking ceLLphone / kiLLin machine for that matter}. and yeah, you can teLL that to pat robertson and george bush and to any bibLe quoting bigot and to the rest of you peopLe out there {heterosexuaL or otherwise} who wants to mind other peopLe's business.

{ i can hear ARETHA singin' in my head right now}.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

fuck that shit, i'm hungry. can somebody give me a candy bar?

The Confessions of an Insom{a}niac XIII { or, the one with my penis on the bLog...}

first and foremost, i Love my penis, so don't get me wrong... i confess that i Love my penis. ok, so it's not what i'd hope it wouLd be {Like 12 friggen inches of hard Luvvvvv machine} but i stiLL Love my Omar-down-there-south-of-me-naveL. damn, god gave it to me, so might as weLL be proud of it! so yeah, i Love my penis.

i just have to decLare it to the worLd. 'coz there are times when a man just has to decLare his manhood to the universe. there are moments when we need to affirm the parts of our bodies that are kept hidden not onLy by our cLothing, but aLso by our norms and Laws, our beLiefs and most especiaLLy our mothers! sometimes i envy them nudists or what you caLL naturaLists. they are so comfortabLe with their nudity that not even an ounce of body fat, breast or peniLe size or even body acne can stop them from going au natureL. darn it! why wasn't i born to a nudist famiLy. it wouLd've been friggen easier! shite! i want to go nekkid damn it!

actuaLLy, i can... {*grins}. thing is, it's Like 10 degrees in my room right now. so if i Lose my duds i'd be freezing my ass off {LiteraLLy} and i have to risk burning my scrawny ass from the radiator just to keep my bLood from circuLating.

so here i am, writing my bLog wearing cLothing yet wishing i had nothing on. ahhh cLothing - an amaLgamation of humanity's creative spirit, paranoia and anaL retention. funny that when i think about it, we go aLL crazy trying to think of what to wear for the day but in the end, they're just textiLe.

{notice to the pubLic: i'm stiLL thinkin of going naked... just for the spirit of this bLog... maybe i shouLd just Light a bonfire in my Living room. that couLd work...}

fuck i'm getting sidetracked with aLL this issue of me going nekkid whiLe i write my bLog.

{focus... focus Omar... focusssssssss... you are one with oprah winfrey and oh yes, the universe too...}

so, yeah... i have to make this decLaration...

worLd, pLease hear me out:

i love my PENIS i love my PENIS

i love my PENIS i love my PENIS

i love my PENIS i love my PENIS

i love my PENIS i love my PENIS

so much for my decLaration.

and why not? but the beter question is, why shouLdn't you? weLL if yer transexuaL, yeah you have a reason to not-Like yer penis. i have a good friend who absoLuteLy wants her penis "reassigned" and i totaLLy respect her for that {notice that i use the personaL pronoun 'her'}, but she teLls me she doesn't hate her penis per se. i cannot think of anymore vaLid reason for not-Liking the penis. there is no reason to not-Like yer dick not unLess you wanna have a sex reassignment surgery.

so whats to Love about your penis? weLL, duuuuuh? how shouLd i know IT'S YOUR DICK NOT MINE! I CAN ONLY VOUCH FOR MY OWN DICK SO MAKE YER OWN PENILE DECLARATION GODDAMNIT!

how do i Love my dick? 3 reasons...

reason no.1
it beautifuL. yeah, i'm a narcissist, so sue me. it's beautifuL. eheheh. not too Long not too short. juuuuuuuust enough for Luvin me muffin* {did i just say that?}

reason no. 2
i Like the way it feeLs between my Legs. i mean, think about it, how'd you feeL if you have nothing dangLing between yer Legs? how wouLd it be Like when i waLk? or run? or jump? or do the twist? or do the chokoLate? or the spaghetti? i just Love how it feeLs in the morning when i wake up {*i can hear diana ross singing.....}, and how it feeLs after a Loooooong days work. and how it feeLs when i'm taking a shower or a nice Long bath.... ok 'nuff of that, i don't wanna get too graphic here. i recentLy found out that i have minors reading my bLog sooooooo yeah, gotta keep it cLean.

reason no.3
i Love touching it. ok, ok, ok! before any of you hoLier than thou peopLe wouLd react and make a moraL comment and shit Like that! i ain't taLking about touching "touching" {we'LL get to that part Later* JOKE! i promised myseLf that this wouLd be soft core so noooo funny business}.

when i say i Like touching it, i meant touch in a NON SEXUAL WAY! Let's face it, guys in generaL, just Love to touch their LittLe pedro's and tom's and sasha's and juan's and pavLov's and conchitas. ehehehehe, and don't ever deny it? if yer a guy and reading this bLog, i ask you this question. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SCRATCHED YER CROTCH? huh? huh? huh? see. you might not even know it but you scratch or "adjust" yer crotch at Least once or twice a day. if you do it way too often it's either you are just a pLain narcissist or you just have a reaL bad case of crabs my friend!

but yes, truth be toLd, guys Love to touch their dicks. not even for scratching. for me it's Like my compass. i need to adjust it to the true north Line. it's Like if its in the wrong position, i'd feeL waaaaay to uncomfortabLe the whoLe day. us guys have our own comfort zones when it comes to peniLe position. Like i said, it's Like a compass that's need to be reaLigned to the north so we don't Lose our way and shit. some Like it skewed to the left or skewed to the right. others Like it head up and proud! some go for the humiLity pose and have it bowed down. the thing is us guys have this incessant need to touch our dicks from time to time just so we can say to ourseLves that "it's stiLL there, thank god." for the women who are reading this bLog {what yer stiLL reading!!!!!!!!????????}, i know, guys are pLain stupid sometimes. so if you see yer boyfriend, yer boss or yer teacher or yer reLative {gawd i suuuuure hope not!}, it's nothing personaL. they just need reaffirmation.

but it's not aLL narcissism, mind you. i honestLy think it's more personaL. caLL me stupid, crazy or a fooL but i think i can reLate with my penis. or rather my penis can reLate with me. Like when i'm sad, my penis is sad. when i'm happy, my penis is happy. when i'm reaLLy happy, oh boy you shouLd see my penis! {or not!}. me and my penis have our share of ups and downs, highs and Lows, good times and bad. in the end, when the shit hits the fan, it's just me and penis and nobody eLse.

there is one thing that i regret though. i had my penis circumcised.bad move omar, waaaaaaay bad. that was reaL Low. i'm not even jewish damnit!i shouldn't have agreed with my parents to have my foreskin cut off!damn it! reaLLy! daaaaaamn it! i don't even Like turtLenecks!everytime i Look at my penis, i teLL him i'm reaLLy sorry for having done this to him. i think he understands though. whatever! if im ever gonna have a son, i wont, and i promise to the heavens, that i wont have him circumcised. fuck that, i'LL wait tiLL he's 18 and ask him if he wants to Loose his foreskin. i swear, if i'm a gaziLLionaire Like schmiLL shmates kathy bates giLL bates biLL gates, i'd have a foreskin reassignment surgery or whatshityouevercaLLit. i swear, i shaLL have my foreskin back!{damnit i knew i shouLda kept it back then!}

but its not aLL bed of roses our reLationship, my penis and i. there are times when he just wont cooperate! he's stubborn Like me. especiaLLy in the mornings. {not that you perves! Let me finish first}. especiaLLy in the mornings when i need to pee so bad.

picture this. i wake up with a bad case of bLoated bLadder and i am a bit disoriented and shit 'coz i'm trying to figure out if im in my bedroom or somebody else's {occupationaL hazard, sucks being a whore, so yeah} so i get up from my bed, drag my ass to the bathroom then scoop him out then Let nature takes it's course. so yeah, there i am, peeing whiLe counting the tiLes in my bathroom or maybe thinking about the human condition or the mystery of Life and the universe... and then when i Look at the progress of my urination, i just reaLize i wasn't peeing on the toilet bowl but on the bathroom fLoor! either that or i'm peeing on my friggen PJ's! and there's nothing worse for a grown man in his prime than to discover that he's peeing aLL over himseLf at 6 in the morning! its humiLiating! no its not just humiLiating, it's down right savagery! i mean, give me a break here. why can't it just shoot straight into the bowL Like it was meant to do? honestLy, i think every toiLet bowL shouLd have a red mark in the center so as to remind the guys and their penises that THE PISS GOES IN HERE, GUMP!

in my defense, i do aim before i shoot! it's just naturaL{duh}. but there are times when my penis just wont fucking cooperate! i aim for the bowL, but my dick decides that its better on the bathroom fLoor or worse, my PJ's or my boxers. there are times when i do make a shot {Like 30%} but most of it stiLL ends up in the bathroom fLoor {or my boxers}. imagine a "V" like piss... or a "W". yuck. Like heLLo! we need cooperation here! it's 6 in the morning and we are not seeing each other eye to eye! sometimes i just want to have a peptaLk with my dick to teLL him about my morning urinary frustrations.

and another thing. i dunno, how many times i "fLick" it after urinating but it seems that no matter how many times i "fLick" it, there wiLL aLways be a Latecomer piss{Let} coming out of my bLadder teLLing my boxers or my skivvies "ooooops, sorry dude, thought it was the toilet water... i guess he didn't fLick enough". nyaargh. its one of the main reasons why i don't wear white underwear! fuck, why don't they even invent pantyLiners for men! {then they wouLdn't be caLled pantyLiners, wouLdn't they?}. sometimes, i'm even tempted to just shove a whole roLL of toiLet paper so it wouLd catch aLL the Late piss! didn't fLick enough my ass. it's god's practicaL joke to man i teLL ya.

it's a Love and hate reLationship i have with my penis {Like any other reLationship}. but aLL in aLL, i Love my penis more than i hate him. i don't even disLike him. sometimes he just annoys me {the morning pissing thing, ya know}. but that's pretty much aLL of it.

i have to thank him for aLL these years of sticking up with me {LoL @ sticking up}. one thing for sure, i stiLL pLan to have my dick when im 64 {even though i plan to die at 40} . and i bet my 64 year oLd ass that i'd stiLL be Loving my dick by that age even when i need to drag him off the fLoor. i Love my penis.

and you shouLd too!

aLL men who Love their penises say, gawddayumnitiluvmyfoockinpaynuz!

oh yeah. by the way...

i'm stiLL wearing my work cLothes, so i guess i didn't go au natureL whiLe writing this bLog. whut? you want me to freeze to death?

farewell, momofuku ando

i write this entry on a sad note...

one of the greatest persons that ever waLked this earth has Left us. it saddens me that another genius has passed away without having the worLd paying him proper respects. i beLieve we shouLd pay momofuku ando with the respect and honor he deserves.

you may not know momofuku ando, but you may know his Legacy for personkind... the instant noodLe. yes, it was momofuku ando who invented one of the greatest yet one of the most underrated food of the 20th century.

one of the finest symboLs of capitaLism {next to mc donaLds}, ando invented the instant noodLe out of the great need to heLp the japanese peopLe of post worLd war 2 japan, who at that time were suffering from food shortages. from his humbLe beginnings, ando's LittLe venture became to be, what is known today, as the nissin food products co., a gigantic company that led to the makings of other simiLar companies that made miLLions and miLLiions of packets of instant noodLes, that fed miLLions of impoverished {and not so impoverished} coLLege students aLL over the worLd... incLuding me.

i have a confession to make. i Love instant noodLes, whatever form, whatever fLavor, whatever brand... they remind me of my sorbetes youth, when everything was just so easy and beautiful and uncompLicated and happy, and yes, instant. i know there's proLLy a thousand reasons to hate the instant noodLe and what it stands for, but as much as i want to, i confess that i cannot. the instant noodLe wiLL aLways be a part of me.

fareweLL, mr. momofuku ando. you may never know how much you have heLped me {and probabLy a thousand other peopLe or maybe even thousands or miLLions} in my coLLege years and during the times when i had nothing Left to eat but a smaLL pack of instant pansit canton because i was as penniLess as a 50 something whore with a bad crack habit... but nevertheLess, i thank you from the bottom of my sorbetes heart. you are one of my heroes. and you wiLL be remembered.

you wiLL be remembered.

ni hao BEiJiNG! part 1 {which means there might be a part 2... if i ever get my Lazy ass toresize pictures and upLoad them on friendster!}

too Lazy to make a proper update. but i promise iLL update Later! thats a super promise... so here are the pics i took in beijing! enjoy! {why does this paragraph has so many excLamation points?!?}

first, i'd Like ya'LL to meet my traveL companion in beijing nina. nina's this superkewL bitch who can backpack anywhere. and when i say anywhere peopLe, i mean anywhere! we once backpacked in the middLe of nowhere in southern china two winters ago. we were the onLy foreigners in the viLLage and peopLe were Looking weird at us and they had this whattheheLLwereyoutwothinkincominuphere Look on their faces. we stayed in a crummy hoteL {which wasn't reaLLy a hoteL coz it was the viLLage Leader's hut or summat} with no bathroom {there was a pubLic toiLet} but the best part was there was a Lone pub over the next mountain with a karaoke system that has fiLipino songs! in the middLe of fuckin nowhere!!!! ahhh those were the days. this winter, nina and i are spending 5 days in beijing.

ok foLks, before we go any further, Let's taLk about beijing for a bit. most peopLe know that beijing is the host of the 2008 oLymics and that's about it. beijing is the capitaL of china and is one of the most popuLous cities in the worLd with over 15 miLLion peopLe inhabiting the metro. it's the second largest city in china {second onLy to shanghai} and is the is the political, cultural, and educational center of the country.

ok, nuff of the LoneLy pLanet hoopla, if you wanna know more about beijing you can check the LoneLy pLanet

now, when yer traveLLin to beijing, we aLLs gotta think about food, coz food is way too important not to think about. when in beijing, you wouLdn't have to worry if yer ever gonna Lack on your major food groups and shit coz beijing has Loads and Loads and Loads and shitloads of food. not onLy you get the traditional chinese food, but you'LL aLso find western grease, russian, indian, mediterrenean, arabic, japanese, korean, itaLian and even fusion. the prices vary though, it can be ridicuLousLy cheapo to insaneLy expensive. here are some of the food we ate. website information on beijing. now back to the pics.

a good way to start yer first day in beijing is with grease, grease and Lotsa Lotsa grease! after visiting the embassy area, nina and i saw this tgif resto and we couLdnt heLp but be drawn in and eat good oLd fashion burgers and fries. good Lord, you gotta Love'm fries. oh by the way in china, t.g.i.f. means thank GOODNESS its fridays. funny eh? PRICE {rather expensivo}, but the grease was worth it.

now if yer on a mighty tight budget that even a butt pLug can't penetrate, i suggest you eat this ..... cheapeeyayayaaay. with shitLoads of that, you can even fart beethoven's ninth symphony, twice.

when yer in beijing, you have to NOT MISS eating beijing kaoya which is the de facto officiaL food of the city. it might be super greasy and shit, but the grease is aLL worth it i teLL ya. and it sure as heLL beat then american hamburgers. beijing kaoyas are cooked using preparations and methods that have been passed on through centuries. one thing i Like about the beijing kaoya is the shiny Look and the way its prepared in front of you.

PRICE {can vary from moderateLy cheapo to fuckin mucho expensivo}

of course, if the beijing duck is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too foreign for yer tastes peopLe, you couLd aLways stick to the official chinese food that every joe/juan/pedro/dmitry/consueLo/ingrid/heLmut schmoe of the worLd orders whenever he/she/in transition is in a chinese restaurant - THE PROVERBIAL SWEEET AND SOUR PORK. {moderateLy cheapo}

or you couLd go adventurous by trying out the spicy ones...

PRICE {moderateLy cheapo}

or you couLd go insane by trying to eat this...

PRICE {moderateLy cheapo}

darn, i didn't get to try them barbecued scorpions in wanfujing street. weLL, there's aLways a next time.

oh yeah, the sites. nina, and i didn't go to the major tourist spots since we've aLready seen them. this time, we decided to go to the not so touristy sites Like the beijing naturaL history museum, the beijing night scene in houhai and sanLitun, of course them restos and the shopping disctricts in beiing.

here are some of the pics that i took whiLe on the road.

this sign just greeted me one morning.

beijing is famous for her gates that are mushroomed aLL over the city. this one is the qianmen gate just south of the tiananmen square.

one thing that i'LL miss about beijing are them hutongs or aLleyways which are fast disappearing. hutongs, in my opinion {and many others for that matter} is the souL of oLd beijing. its reaLLy sad to see them hutongs disappear and get repLaced by highrise condominiums and residentiaL compLexes.

the tube {subways or metros} is absoLuteLy the best and the cheapest way to go around beijing. aLmost aLL the major tourist site in beijing is accessibLe by metro. just don't ever ride the subways during rush hour or prepare to experience the beijing crush.

i saw this reaLLy kewL fish muraL when nina, terry and i were waLking one night in the houhai bar district. this was just beside a cafe and a noveLty shop. i couLdn't resist taking a snap. weLL i kinda took Lotsa it.

a totaLLy kewL kickass name for a pub.

mamooth tusks at the beiing museum of naturaL history. btw, if yer traveLLing to beijing, the naturaL history museum is reaLLy worth a Look. the $4 ticket is weLL worth it.

i can hear the nationaL geographic themesong pLaying in my head right now.

dino overLoad. maaaaaaaaan, if i were into dinosaurs, i wouLd've creamed in me pants back there.

a picture of a perfectLy heaLthy human specimen at the beijing museum of natural history. may he rest in peace.

sorry. i just couLdn't heLp it.

nina joining the fray, she's trying to shake katie's hand.
ok, so we didn't see suri hoLmes cruise. whatev. more to cum, hopefuLLy. i'm knackered.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE UNIVERSE

dear mr./ms./mrs. universe...

i never thought you had compassion for me. aLL my Life i've aLways thought that i was just this brown joe shmoe {who works as a part time hoe. ehehehe, ok, i know that was corny so sue me}. but then again, Life is waaaaay too mysterious for my brain ceLLs to understand.

behind aLL the buLLshit and the rough exterior, is a scrawny LittLe boy who Likes cartoons and tocino and good pre-pubescent sex!

truth be toLd, i am scared shitLess. but that don't mean i won't jump. i'm just scared of heights. but then again, i have a harness.

this might just be possibLe... and i couLd hear some cheesy Love song pLaying in my head right now. and you wanna know something? i think i don't want it to stop.

so there. once again universe, make me stupid. make me faLL fLat on me face with a gigantic mound of cowturd greeting me 'heLLo!' i submit. you van defiLe me aLL you want for your entertainment pLeasure... but don't Let the fuckin music stop. because you owe me that one at Least.

and by the way, thanks. i never thought that you had a heart...

today

is/was my birthday {at Least in this part of the worLd it is}. truth be toLd, i hate birthdays. it's just another reminder for me that mortaLity is right around the corner and i better make haste in working in the fieLds so that i might be abLe {hopefuLLy} to reap what i have sown. aside from the mortaLity bit, i have come to not Like birthday parties because of some unsavory events in my past birthday parties. i have been receiving greetings from friends and famiLy, which i somehow appreciate {in a weird kinda way} even though i don't Like to remember my birthday. my vox neighbors nina and sunny keep saying it's just a number. it proLLy is, but i have yet to find the wisdom the wisdom of those words. i proLLy wiLL someday, when i'm saggy and geriatric and drinking my margaritas on a beach in antartica.

Last night, i have decided to make this day toLerabLe if not speciaL. i didn't want to ceLebrate, i mean, what for? jaded as i am, i reaLized that i am not THAT jaded. i stiLL am a cLoseted romantic {not the hoLLywood kind though}. i decided to make it a bit speciaL just a bit.

i reaLized that for the past 28 years {yes i'm 28 but i feeL Like i'm pushing 60 and beyond}, i have been ceLebrating my birthdays the same oLd way, and it's kinda getting oLd {pun intended}. you know, food, booze, iLLegaL substances, porn, human sacrifice, orgies, the proverbiaL birthday cake with them candLes Lit and i have to bLow the damn thing without spitting on it, yadda yadda. i decided to make my birthday this year different. no parties. no booze. no food. and no friggen cake with them candLes!

i decided to fast on my birthday. yes, a birthday fast. i started Last night at the stroke of midnight right after my sister caLLed me from caLifornia crying her eyes out {she's currentLy in the middLe of a messy divorce and by yoda i don't Like her sniveLLing-two-timing-greedy-soon-to-be-ex-husband-sLash-crackhead who i hope chokes on his toast right now}.

a birthday fast. i wiLL not eat anything soLid, anything chewabLe for the whoLe day. so far i've onLy "drank" oatmeaL and i wasn't abLe to finish it. and oh yes, Lemonade and water too. so far i'm doing ok, Like i haven't fainted or anything. in fact i was abLe to cLean me fLat and do the Laundry and wash dishes whiLe Listening to baden-poweLL {bossa nova is da bomb! i am so going to braziL when i'm friggen Loaded. maybe i'LL die there whiLe dancing samba in the middLe of sao paoLo wearing nothing but a band aid on me private parts. *Omar crosses his fingers}.

anywaaay, ennuf of braziL. why fasting, you ask. coz i've been eating for 28 god damn years! and i'm tired of it. no i don't have an eating disorder. i just wanted to, weLL for the Lack of a better word, make this day god damn toLerabLe.

and one more thing. you know i am not a reLigious person. i am cathoLic, oh yes {and i'LL aLways be, i reckon} but i am no saint. i respect reLigion in any form. i actuaLLy find it interesting and in many ways, profound. but reLigion is not my cup of jizz, i reckon. i do beLieve in jesus christ, and buddah and aLLah and the madonna {the mother not the singer, but yeah the singer kicks major ass too}, joseph, moses, david and jonathan, krishna and aLL them good peopLe who waLked this earth and spread goodness Like it was some fLyer for starbucks. and i beLieve in god. but these things {if ya can caLL'em things}, they're not reLigion. bah, i don't wanna have a Lecture on theoLogy and spirituaLity so i better stop. STOP!

ok there. yeah, i am not reLigious but i think that there is something "higher" than me, than this, this, this... reaLity i am condemned or thrown or existing or {insert any word here} in. be it god, the universe, the cosmos, karma, whathaveyou, i beLieve that there is a higher power or rather a higher consciousness that connects peopLe, things, the weather, Life in generaL.... the cosmos... Like we are aLL interconnected or woven from a singLe thread. it's Like myspace {ugh} where everybody is connected to tom {seriousLy, who wouLd have THAT many friends? even the friggen pope doesn't have that number of devout foLLowers}. anyways, yeah jeez i keep getting sidetracked i shouLd buy myseLf a one track mind for the Life of me {they don't have it at waLmart yet}. ok stop. STOP!

there

fasting. interconnectedness. cosmos. myspace. i wanted to fast because i wanted to make a wish. weLL, wishes actuaLLy. actuaLLy they're not my wishes per se. they're Like hopes and dreams. or my hopes and dreams for the peopLe i know and care about. {yes, i do have mushy moments}. it's Like this prayer, onLy more personaL, more sacred {for me it is} and more profound {ditto}.

for the past 20 something hours whiLe i have been trying to empty my body, i have aLso been trying to empty my mind. reLeasing thoughts of any kind to the cosmos hoping that it wouLd be heard or grasped or understood or even feLt by someone or some thing eLse. i was praying... i have been praying... i stiLL am as i type this bLog entry.

what am i praying for?

many things, i guess...

for my sister in caLifornia who is in the middLe of this messy divorce. for my parents to grow oLd and happy {reaL happy}, for my sibLings and their daughters and sons to have Live a good Life. for my 2 bestfriends to have the happiness and success they deserve. for a friend who feeLs he's Lost right now. for a friend who hopes to have her SRS within 10 years. for a friend who's in a midLife crisis. for a friend who has just found his freedom. for a friend who's recovering. for a friend who has diabetes. for a friend who has a heart condition. for a friend who has a Lump in his brain. for a friend who's going to coLLege. for a friend out of work. fora friend who's burned out. for two friends who had a faLLing out. for a friend who has faLLen out of Love. for a frien in Love. for a friend who's finding Love. for a friend who has found Love. for my friends in London, france, serbia, jamaica, austria, scotLand, newcastLe, austraLia, indonesia, maLaysia, singapore, the states, spain, china, phiLippines, guam, japan, canada and a whoLe Lotta other pLaces. for worLd peace {i stiLL beLieve in it}. for africa. for aids. for iLiteracy. for chiLd Labor. for the environment. for the middLe east. for mindanao. for my coconut repubLic. for hunger and sickness. for truth. beauty. freedom. Love. for justice. for civiL Liberties. for brotherhood and sisterhood. for dreams. for today. for tomorrow.

i'm no saint, so don't get me wrong. but even sinners and Losers pray. or hope for something better.

i am

a sinner