Showing posts with label health and well being and a whole lotta shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health and well being and a whole lotta shit. Show all posts

Monday, January 24

Monday morning… Quick updates…

I woke up before 5 am today {surprisingly}.  And since I woke up early,  I decided to make the most out of it by meditating, doing yoga then running.
I know I haven’t been writing a lot on this blog.   A lot has happened. Like a whole lot.  I’d like to tell everything, but I can’t. 
I miss writing to be honest.  I’m not making any promises to write regularly.  But I made it a point that I need to do something that makes me happy this year. 
Last year was not really much of a happy year for me.  It was ok but shit folks,  I guess I really am in the Coconut Republic.  
For those of you who are interested as to what has been happening in my life for the past 1.5 years, well here’s what’s been happening:
  1. I’ve been in the Coconut Republic since late July of 2009.  
  2. I live in a box apartment.  Literally a box apartment. 
  3. I’ve got no TV {by choice}
  4. I’ve got a fridge but I’m not using it
  5. I was jobless for like 5 to 6 months.  Not that I didn’t look for a job… In fact I was looking and there were offers.  It’s just that…
  6. The Universe had other plans for me.
  7. I went to Singapore for 2 days.  Got stomach problems after eating curry in Little India.
  8. Got a job in January.  I ask the Miss Universe questions.
  9. Consuelo died on me. The end of an era for me Sad smile
  10. Friends came to visit me and got a chance to see my box.  Lela, Joseph and Davin! Thanks for visiting. 
  11. Celebrated my first Chinese New Year with my housemates. 
  12. Got busy with work and shit. Work here is like WORK.  You work shitloads and get measly pay.  Taxes kill you here apart from politicians, police,the military and the whole lotta them. 
  13. Some of my friends got married and had children.  
  14. Realized that I have like over 20 nieces and nephews.
  15. I have grand nieces already.
  16. Gained shitload of weight during the holiday.
  17. Trying my best to lose it.
  18. Got conjunctivitis the other week.  I’m blind as a bat now because I  have not been wearing any contacts since I got sore eyes.
  19. Been trying to quit smoking.  {crossing my pubes now}
  20. I wanna be happy here damnit!
There you go.
Wasn’t that hard.

Monday, January 17

69 Lessons

 

 

octopus-lessons httpwww.nataliedee.com012207octopus-lessons.jpg

The past year  taught me a lot of lessons in living, loving, learning and the whole shitload of everything that we call the human condition.   I can’t say that I became wiser. I consider myself as a decently smart individual,  however, I have my blond moments.  {* These days I’ve been getting them a lot. }.   Yes, I would not say that I am wiser now… Maybe a bit smarter than before.  Wiser, well I honestly don’t know.  

Ah yes, the 69 things I learned so far in the past year.

1.  I learned that  having a second had fridge  that I bought in some Japanese surplus shop so that I can have cold water in the morning is a bit extravagant, considering that I live in a box.

2.  I learned that buying second hand / cheap products doesn’t mean it’s cheap in the long run .  Wait till you get your electric bill.

3.  I learned that  an unused second hand fridge makes a real good storage cabinet for books, sugar,  and shitloads of cosmetics and beauty products.  

4. I learned that you need to act stupid sometimes in order to get your point across.  

5. I learned that it’s good to let others see your blonde side {and let them revel in it} so that you can UNLEASH the raging brunette later.  

6. I learned that money is really important in all facets of relationships.

7.  I learned that money isn’t everything.

8.  I learned that it’s easy to find a job but it’s shit difficult to establish a career.

9. I learned that there comes a point in your life where you need to choose between establishing a career or establishing a relationship.

10.  I learned that what I do in life is always about choices.  That the choice  I make may not necessarily produce my desired result in the end but I still make the choice because the intent is there. 

11.  I learned that there are times that things may not come out as planned.

12.  I learned that it is always good to have a Plan B.

13.  I learned that you start praying to the Universe/Jesus/God/Allah/Buddha/Mary/Paul/Ringo/Krishna/Shiva/Patrick/Tom when your Plan C fails.

14. I learned that it’s always good to have a day job.  

15. I learned that it isn’t enough to just have a day job in this economy.

16. I learned that the taxes I pay can pay for two maids in some places.  

17. I learned that I pay way too much taxes in this country.

18. I learned {a looooooooong time ago} that none of the taxes I pay go to public spending.

19. I learned that democracy is a very loose word…

20. … and so is Socialism.

23. I learned that Obama is not Jesus.

24. I learned that Noynoy can never be an Obama.

25. I learned that Manny Paquiao makes a Gazillion dollars in boxing.

26. I learned that I can never be a boxer.

27. I learned that Filipinos in general are really good singers.

28. I learned that I can never be a singer.

29. I learned that I really need to quit smoking.

30. I learned that buying an electronic cigarette does not mean I quit smoking already.

31.  I learned that I can eat 8 cups of rice in one seating.

32.  I also learned that eating 8 cups of rice ain’t good for my tummy. 

33. I learned that my maximum is 3 cups of rice.

34. I learned that I can get really fat in a span of 4 weeks.

35. I {re}learned that beauty is a philosophy,  a state of mind.

36. I learned that a person can be here on a Tuesday evening and be gone by Wednesday morning.

37. I learned the importance of telling the person of his/her worth. 

38. I learned that talent is discovered, but genius is reared and cultivated.

39. I learned that consistency is the key to everything.

40. I learned that family is cool.

41. I learned that you really don’t have to believe in Christmas as long as you believe in free food.

42. I learned that friends who fly thousands of miles just so that they could spend a night in my box apartment on my straw mat are the kewlest people in my book.   {Thanks guys}

43. I learned that 32 is just a number….

43.  I also learned that 32 is still 32.

44. I learned that people would do anything to get a job in this economy.

45. I learned how to say no to these people.

46. I learned that a lot of Filipinos are so fixated with American English. 

47. I learned that there is really no difference between toilet paper and paper napkins.  

48. I learned on how I could save on toilet paper and paper napkins.

49. I learned that I was living a really good life in China. 

50. I learned that sulking in one corner and thinking about the human condition {at least my condition} will do me no good except to magnify it.

51. I learned to smile on occasion.

52. I learned that it’s ok to be happy even when you’re life is really shitty at times.

53. I learned that love is sometimes a hard pill to swallow.

54. I that staying quiet doesn’t mean I  have acquiesced. it meant that I’ve understood.

55. I learned that I am indeed an Urban Sinner.

56. I learned that despite of this, I still love you.

57. I learned to believe in myself and myself alone.

58. I learned not to trust people who are cops, lawyers, doctors, business people, presidents, preachers, priests, nuns, motivational speakers, yadi yadi… because they swindle me everyday.

59. I learned that even 80 year-old cab drivers can still swindle me of my money when they get the chance.

60. I learned that it doesn’t matter whether I own a Blackberry or an Android or an iPhone because what really matters is how I use it  and why I bought it in the first place.

61. I learned that Google Sync is really a cool app. 

62. I learned that my ‘wow factor’ is only a day  when it comes to smart phones.

63. I learned that the best way to communicate is a face to face conversation.

61. I learned how to clean up my own mess.

63. I learned that it isn’t all about sex.

64. I learned that sex is great! But cuddling is better.

65. I learned that sleeping with the one you love {as in actual sleeping} when yer really knackered to the bone is way better than masturbating yourself to sleep.

66. I learned that I need to masturbate my mind more. 

67. I learned that it is important to be happy.

68. I learned that at the end of the day, I alone will experience my death.

69. I learned that there is a God/Universe within me.  

Friday, March 12

On running

I do my runs now whenever time permits.  Unlike before, I do not have the luxury to just Forrest Gump my ass everyday at anytime of the day.  I have a job now, it's nothing glamorous but it's a job, it pays the bills and the taxes are shitty.  I miss running, to be honest.  I miss   I'm not an expert and all but I don't do badly either.  I run fast whenever I feel like it.  I run slow whenever I feel like it too (but it's mostly because I need to catch my breath). It's like stroking my Pedro.  I stroke fast because it gets the blood running down there, but when my left (or right) arm gets tired, I slow down.  When I feel I have already regained enough strength, I go blue streak again.  Running and masturbating have a lot of parallels.  Stroke fast, stroke slow.  run fast, run slow.  Holding your breaths. Timing your breaths.  Catching some air. Being in tune with the music playing in your iPod or just being in tune with the music playing in your head.  Then you reach that natural high.  It's self fulfilling.  When I run, it's like I'm masturbating.  I start slow, then I speed up, then I catch my breath a little, then I pick up some speed, then I release my inner Billy Sive. I reach my climax.  After which I feel so spent that I feel like a tweaking two dollar crack whore.  Sweaty and salty, I stretch beside some anonymous tree and pant like there is no tomorrow.  My body jizzes of sweat.  And when I think no one's looking, I lick off the sweat from my shoulders to taste the fruits of my labor. The road is my porn.  Truly.

Tuesday, September 22

I'm snotting all over my keyboard right now.

Because of this Thai TV Commercial...



Why can't all soap operas be like this - under five minutes and with good music.  Fuck, my keyboard is filled with snot and I hate it when this happens. The last time that I snotted on my keyboard was when I watched the Kite Runner on DVD. Ang haba ng hair mo girl!

I think I need to go wash my hair now.

Saturday, March 21

Fridays and Mondays

I hate Mondays.  Okay, that's too much of a word, 'hate'. Let me rephrase that, I dislike Mondays.  Not that I find anything distasteful in Mondays or anything, in fact Mondays for most people in this world are okay-ish if not near awesomess.  A good number of the world's population would love waking up on Mondays {like for most people who work in banks}. Some people are even perky on Mondays.  I have a coworker who is a perky Monday person {then again, she is perky in all days... I wonder what drug she's taking?}.  I dislike Mondays.  Most of all, I dislike MONDAYS that fall on the 13th day of the month.  Monday the 13th are the worst Mondays of them all.  It's like the whole universe is conspiring against me on Monday the 13th.  The stars and the planets are all in a mysterious astrological alignment that any form of physical or mental or emotional endeavor would surely come to complete failure. Pursuing any form of endeavor on such a day {and I have proven this} would simply be begging the cosmos to smite me from behind with so much wrath that lubrication is a no option. I don't go out on Monday the 13th.  I stay indoors.  I don't clean my floor on Monday the 13th.  I let the dust settle as much as I hate it.  I don't cook on Monday the 13th. Well, I don't cook period.  Lets just say that I'm kosher on Monday the 13th. 

Mondays don't do anything for me. Mondays are just bleh.  I guess its just in my constitution, like I was built to not function well on Mondays.  I'm just not a Monday person.  Even the word 'Monday' is a bit off.  There's just something wrong with the word 'Monday'.  It's the word I think. I mean it's the beginning of the work week and the people who invented the modern calendar weren't even creative enough to think of a better word to start the friggen week.  I don't really care about the etymology of the friggen word but dudes, if you were gonna invent a calendar and pick a name for the beginning of the work week why the hell pick a boring name. The word 'Monday' doesn't have a lotta panache, I think.  'Wednesday' has more spunk even.  In fact, they should've put 'Wednesday' at the beginning of the work week and put friggen 'Monday' on the third day.  If that were the case {in a perfect world where there are no recessions and bills to pay and AIDS and cancer and hunger and wars and political commentaries and no tv commercials}, I think I would wake up every beginning of the work week with so much positivity and energy if it happened to be named 'Wednesday'. I honestly think that I would be a perky Wednesday-beginning-of-the-work-week person.  I'd wake up with a smile on my face while I'm scratching my left nut.  Then I'd be doing a thousand sit ups.  Then I'd do yoga.  Then I'd be singing songs in the shower.  Hell I'd prolly even eat breakfast.  Imagine this my friend,  if the week started on a Wednesday.  You might be doing the same thing. We would all be perky and happy and twiddledee twiddle dum cheery humming a Buddy Holly song while we go to work thinking that our work life isn't much of a grind after all.  All because we woke up on a WEDNESDAY. I honestly think that we could even be one step closer to world peace if the week started on a Wednesday. Damnit,  I'd even wear a pin if the week started on a Wednesday. 

Why the hell am I talking about Mondays on a FRIDAY night?!?!

Well, I do not know if it is age or if its because of my spiked up MSG levels but lately I have been feeling that Fridays are just like Mondays. I got two invites today, one for a post birthday party leftover dinner thing and one for a lets get pissed drunk and paint the town jizz red thing.  I both turned it down.  Three reasons.  One, I'm dead tired. Two, I'm kinda broke. Three, it feels like a Monday.
 
My inner Omar is telling me that its a combination of my advancing years and MSG intake.  I just can't party like I used to.  I really don't party that much to begin with.  I'm very domesticated yo {*wipes the counter top table and fixes his apron}. But really, I don't party that much to begin with.  But I do go out and get pissed drunk.

Note to self.
1. Moisturize
2. Eat less instant noodles

Being truthful now, there are times when the I find myself thinking on a Sunday evening that the highlight of my week was getting 8 hours of sleep.  I mean, how lame is that?

It dawned on me that I needed to be more productive.  Not with work but with my personal time.  It also dawned on me that I really don't have much that personal time. My only personal time is when I am out running and/or when I am in the gym.  I could hardly call that personal.  I think I need to do things.  Like actually get outta my apartment and do something, like go to museums or take crappy pictures or write crappy stuff or make up stories in my head or eat ice cream in the park or poison pigeons in the park. ANYTHING, just do something for myself.  I NEED TIME DAMNIT. 

It is so true though, the saying that time is a luxury these days.  In many cases you need a credit card to have some personal quality time. { I don't have a credit card. My debit card doesn't even have a hundred dollars in it }.  In this time and age, there is so little time which you could honestly call FREE.  I think people who are incarcerated have more free time and quality time for that matter. 

It's a fact in my life now, that my Fridays are just like my Mondays and I have to live with it. Sad but true. My only consolation in this realization is that at least the fifth day of the week is not called a 'Monday'.  Gawd, imagine if there were two days in the week named MONDAYS.  Monday the first and Monday the fifth.  I think I would slit my wrists.

nuff said.

Saturday, October 18

Shlong Post: Karaoke. Beijing Marathon.

I have to confess that the last 3 weeks have been really terrible for me. I won't go into details but it has just taken a toll out of me and I needed a breather of some sort.   Three days ago, my horoscope told me to chill and relax because my Dharma is getting fucked up.  So that I did.  After three long weeks of isolation, I decided to social.

I met up with my Brit friends last night in Sanlitun {the touristy bar district in Beijing} because it was one of them Brits' birthdays.  I love meeting the Brits. It's like every time I meet up with them I always meet new people.  Just last night I met an American girl who is Scientology curious, an American dude slash artist who spoke awesome Chinese {well he's Chinese American}, two really kewl German girls who are on an internship with EU based NPO's and  and American dude who can really sing a good Ray Charles cover.  The experience always makes me feel refreshed after {and drunk}.  Its prolly because of their youthfulness, or them just being sort of a weird bunch {in a good way}, or the alcohol or just plain nice and old company, but fuck I like meeting up with them.  OK, it was one of them Brits birthdays yeah.  After finishing up with a Cabernet and two pitchers of ice cold margaritas, one of them suddenly had an idea of going to a KTV bar.  I dunno if some of my readers are familiar with the word KTV but it just means karaoke here in China.  I've told you in this blog that I am not a huge fan of karaoke. I mean, I can deal with karaoke for an hour but after that I just get bored and shit.  I mean, I usually sing songs but in my head and shit but not really in a karaoke bar. Its like I always end up sitting in the corner finishing a pack of cigarettes after my threshold hour.  Speaking of KTVs, the Chinese really take their KTV's seriously.  The KTVs in Beijing {and I reckon in many big cities in China} are so swanky and ginormous. They're also expensive {We found that part later on}.

Suprisingly though,  I was able to stay and have fun for the whole time.  It was prolly because that I was so drunk.  I even sang a coupla songs {I don't remember them though, I think it was an Annie Lennox song and one was a Green Day song, meh whatevs}.

I was so drunk and tired and sleepy that night so I decided to crash in the Brits' place.  I met their puppy Lyka {named after the first dog in space,  but Lyke the Brits' dog doesn't understand Russian though}.  The pup kept slobbering me {she's the touchy feely kinda puppy} and I've been told that she loves to bite.  Nice.  My kind of pup.  {Speaking of canines, I have another interesting story to tell you which involves another canine}. So yeah, I slept and woke up early like waaaaay early for me on a Sunday mornin' {9 am},  I never got to say goodbye to them Brits because they were all still asleep.  I took the taxi goin' back to my apartment hoping that I could make it there in twenty minutes because I was still sleepy and I completely forgot about the Beijing marathon {in which my boss was runnin'}.  I never made it to my apartment. I was almost there, like only 500 meters more then I'm in my apartment, but the road was blocked because of the marathon.  I had to wait for the road to be opened which means I had to just sit there on the side waiting for the marathoners to finish passing by.  I couldn't cross the road because there were like a gazillion policemen guarding the roadblock, they prolly woulda shot me if I tried.  So yeah,  I stayed {nothing much I could do really} there and watch them pass me by.  Man,  I have to hand it to these dudes,  it takes major balls and ovaries to run a marathon.  I mean, I like running, but I dunno if I can run 46 km non stop.  I prolly woulda bled to death trying.  I took shitloads of pics , but I ccouldn't post all of them here. So here are some.


there were a lotta shirtless dudes 
like this one for example.  he wasn't running though.  he was mostly panting. 
this dude reminds me of the dude from REM
the dude ran with two flags the whole time! FTW I woulda bled to death doin that.
love this picture
the cutest dude in the marathon.  OK there were a lotta cute dudes but this one gets my vote.  we kinda had a moment.  I was takin pictures and he kinda slowed down and looked directly at the camera because he thought I was takin his pic {I was takin the police dude's pic}. i nodded at him and he nodded.  he smiled and i smiled. then he left the course and we checked in to a run down motel and we made babies to last us till the next winter.  

Sunday, October 12

QUICKIES. Bob Dylan. My floor obsession. Charlie Horses. The Loooooove Doctor.

First.  Bob Dylan is the bomb.  THE BOMB.  I don't care if he's old or if its folk or country yada, but I love his songs.  What can I say, I like his poetry because it speaks volumes.  I'd like to list some of my favorite Bob Dylan songs here, just in case you haven't listened to any Bob Dylan song {if you haven't then you seriously need to google the old fart and download his shit}.  Here are my top picks.


HAWT BOB DEELAN
Ballad in Plain D
To Ramona
Shelter from the Storm
Workin Man's Blues
House of the Risin Sun
Knockin' on Heaven's Door
Mr. Tambourine Man
Spirit on the Water
Like a Rolling Stone
Take Me as I am
With God on our Side
One Too Many Mornings
Talkin' New York
Man of Constant Sorrow
The Wicked Messenger
I've been cleaning my floor yet again. I dunno, its like I have this constant love affair with my mop and my floor.  I love cleaning it, especially when I'm in my boxers and sometimes even in my birthday suit {thank God for the trees that hide my windows. PLANT TREES yo.}

I had one major bitchin' Charlie horse 5 nights ago.  I woke up at 3 am with this bitchin pain on my right leg and I actually screamed in pain :(  It hurt like shit dude.  Took me about 10 minutes to actually stop the pain.  I was massaging my cramped leg, just touching it like and it actually helped.  THAT FELT GOOOOD.  I actually moaned some {ok a lot}.  My upstairs neighbor prolly thought I was gettin laid or summat. Meh.  I need more potassium in my system. 


I've been playin the loooooove Doctor yo.  And I feel giddy as shit.  I feel like fuckin Audrey Taotou in Amelie. See there are these two dudes who kinda like me sorta in the not so brotherly way more like Biblical Leviticus Sodom and Gomorrah type of way like.  They kinda saw my friendster {yeah I still have one} profile ages ago and we chatted on a few occasions.  Each of them tellin' me their woes of being young {they just turned two decades this year}.  Lets just call them Bob and Dylan.  Bob's EMO and Christian and has just dropped outta college and Dylan's a med student and Christian and detests porn of any sort.  Both are in the closet trying on their late grannies' stilletos and both have told me that they liked me.  I did tell them that they were cute and shit {they were} but they were far too young for me.  And besides Cupid has already pierced my ass mouth ears nostrils   heart{!} with his sword of love - and yeah I love my mystery man.  I ain't tellin his name on this blog because I'm way superstitious about this kinda shit. I did tell them that if I were younger and in the same country and available and all the crappy excuses I could make yadi yadi yadi yadi, I'd date them and we'd marry and have Christian kids in a nice suburban house, with a dishwasher, widescreen tv, a dog named Julio and a cat named Julia.  Two days ago, each messaged me separately {they hadn't known each other yet}, askin how I was.  Both were still single and looking for someone to devour still were kinda hopin that I'd put out.  I actually had to point out to them that I am in China and there's the South China Sea {they're both in  the Coconut Republilc} and me putting out would not really be possible.  Then an idea came to mind. Oh yes, I'm the LOOOOOOVE GENIUS.  Why not introduce these two kids to each other? I mean, they're both young, in heat, and starving for some good old fashioned closeted brother to brother loving. So I did.  And like an outsourced customer service agent I pimped them to each other while pointing out to both of them their similarities  - Christian, gay, closet, stilletoes, puberty.  Voila! Three days later,  Bob tells me in an offline message that he is in loooooooove.  Dylan tells me that he's gonna visit Bob soon up north and he plans to woo his EMO ass with dead flowers and angry Christian poetry.  Meh, young love. Makes me wanna puke.  Its still fuzzy though.

I felt so good matching them up.  I'm feeling like Oprah minus the vagina and boobs. 

Monday, April 21

Spling. Trains. Dalian. Samuel L Jackson's Schlong and some other things.


April 19
Friday
2 pm Beijing Time


TRAINS

I am comfortably seated on a hard seat en route to the coastal city of Dalian. I'm traveling with one of my Chinese buddies, Qiu Min and we're going to Dalian to see our friend Dalton, who currently works there. Two hours ago, I was sitting by the exit window beside the trash bag, while being ashed by passenger smokers {couldn't blame them because Qiu Min and I were at the smoking section of the train which was also the trash section which is also the exit way. Meh}. It was a good thing that me and my Chinese friend were able to find an empty seat during the last stop, or else we would be spending the next eight hours sitting beside cigarette butts, ashes, and the trash bag, oh yeah, not to mention spit {Somebody spat like half a foot away from me two hours ago and I was thankful enough that it didn't ricochet in my direction}

SPLING

Didn't I mention it was spring already? Aaaaahh spling. Just saying it makes me get a boner. My shitsville of a city is so beautiful during springtime. It becomes some place else, almost surreal. Almost like one of the scenes in Kurosawa's Dreams. Greens, blossoms, warm weather, skirts, shirtless dudes. Priceless. People in these areas, both expat and local, start to shed off their winter duds come spring time. You get to see more skin and they start to become more pleasant in your eyes. Even I look more pleasant in springtime methinks.



RUNNING

I've been running lately. It's warm, so I run. Speaking of running, I have this recurring dream that I am running naked in some rice field or wheat field or corn field or something. Weird. It's hardly erotic I think. I mean, imagine yerself, running in your birthday duds with all that flora and fauna getting in contact with yer lil Omar. Talk about chafing yer balls.


RICE FIELD

My train is passing a rice field now. It's one big rice field. I remember the time when I was 17 and I was in the middle of a rice field and under a mango tree . Damn, I was a tweener and horny.


INSTANT NOODLES

I haven't eaten instant noodles/two minute noodles/fanbianmian in months. I only ate some on the train. Maaaaaaaaan it's so good. Thank God for the late Momofuku Ando {the dude who invented instant noodles and I have an entry about him}and for MSG! Mr. Ando, you da man!


DALIAN
12 hours, 3 different kinds of seafood and two and a half cups of instant noodles and a can of beer later...

I just came out fresh from the shower feeling really bloated after eating all that seafood and ramen noodles and I am almost ready for bed. I am billeted in this nice hotel/apartelle room with Qiu Min and Dalton, our host. The hotel {I forgot the name} is somewhat of an apartelle and some people actually time share it or something. Dalton tells Qiu Min and I that his family has a VIP card so we get some discount. He also told us that he heard some moans here and there when he checked our room before he fetched us at the train station. The three of us think that this hotel is a place where good things happen outside of marriage. Sweet.

Our room is sort of like a studio place with two beds, a kitchenette, a shower and toilet, fridge, microwave, mini washer, cable and airconditioning. Pretty nice, like a bachelor's pad. No internet which is a bummer. I still need to do some work and I asked my Chinese friend Dalton if I could get a modem or maybe I could just go to a cafe. He said, “We'll see.” I hope he does see because my boss is gonna kill me.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S SHLONG

A while ago, during dinner and cigarette break, Dalton, Qiu Min, and I were watching some cop movie that starred Kevin Spacey and Samuel L. Jackson. Then Qiu Min asked me if I know or have any black friends. I told them yes. Then Dalton asked me if black guys have big dicks. I was like, erm I really dunno dudes. I was tempted to tell them that if I ever do sleep with one I'd be sure to tell them if this popular belief in among Chinese about black men having big shlongs is true. The two were silent and stared back at the tv screen while the movie focused on the wounded Samuel L. Jackson lying on a stretcher in an ambulance while the camera focuses on his police badge which was conveniently placed o

n his crotch. Well, his left pant leg or whatever.


FLIP FLOPS
8 hours later...

I woke up this morning with this odd sensation that I am in somebody else's bed. I am. I open my eyes and stretched in bed and scratched my nuts. I got off of bed and went to the terrace and a view of Dalian greets me. Nice weather. Still a bit chilly but the weather report says that it was gonna be sunny today so I'm optimistic. I showered and debated if I was gonna wear shorts and flip flops. Dalton and Qiu Min found it funny that I should wear shorts and flip flops. The hell should I know that it was still gonna be cold in Dalian during this time of year. I mean, I live further up north and it was like Miami already. 30 degrees Celsius. The highest temperature in Dalian was 21. I actually did know, but I was stubborn and still took my shorts and flip flops {which I borrowed from my friend Davin}. The two of them told me to wear something warmer, like a jacket and a pair of jeans. I had jeans but I didn't bring my jacket. I decided to wear denims and flipflops and brought my back pack along with Consuelo {my laptop} and my shorts. I told myself “Fuck this, I didn't borrow these flops and brought along me shorts for nothing! I'm gonna be wearing them even if I freeze to death!”

THE HAIR IN OUR SWEET AND SOUR PORK
1 hour later

The three of us are seated in a Chinese restaurant which Dalton and Qiu Min tell me, is a fairly popular restaurant all over China. It even has several branches in Dalian. I think we were the first customers for the day because when we entered they were still cleaning the toilets and some of the staff still had sleep on their faces. We got ourselves a table ordered. We waited for quite a bit. We did small talk that mostly consisted of what was on the docket for the day. Dalton was taking us to this theme park which was OK by me though I would've just preferred to chill on the beach and drink bear and smoke fags and sleep. But Dalton said that it still wasn't good to swim around this time of year, so I relented. So there we were waiting for our brunch that consisted of some nasty looking mutton soup, eggplants, and sweet and sour pork and three bowls of rice. When it came we ate. Then Dalton noticed something. HAIR. I dunno if it's human hair but there's hair, on our sweet and sour pork. He calls the waiter. The waiter denies it was hair. It was prolly some remnant of some chemical reaction between the vinegar and the pork fat and the spices and shit but it wasn't hair. Dalton asked if he could talk to the manager. The waiter said something that I didn't understand, but it was quite clear to me that we weren't gonna be able to talk with the manager. Dalton asked the waiter what they were going to do about it. The waiter said he didn't know. Dalton said “You better do something about it”, in a firm but polite voice. The waiter excused himself. The three of us looked at the hair and then at each other. I placed the haired sweet and sour pork on a tissue put it aside just in case the jury wanted evidence. Since the waiter's would most likely not do anything about it, we concurred that we eat the wretched sweet and sour pork. So we ate. I focused on the pineapples and the bell peppers.

We did get a discount however. Like a dollar fifty. Meh.


THE BEACH. THE OCEAN THEME PARK WITH CLOWNS THAT ROCK AND ROLL, AND WITH A CHICKEN AND A CONDOM FOR MASCOTS
2 hours later

After the sweet and sour pork. I asked Dalton and Qiu Min if I could have an hour at the coffee shop so I could finish up some work. We found a coffee shop with adequately priced coffee and awesome Internet connection. After that we headed up for the Lover's Lane in Dalian which is basically a nicely manicured road on a hill where most newly weds drive their cars for pictures and shit. We were not the only ones walking, there were a good number of tourists and locals trying to enjoy the nice warm weather. We took some pictures along the way. I saw a castle along the way which turned out to be Dalian's Shell Museum. It looked so out of place and it looked like it popped out from a Brother's Grim fairy tale. Then I saw the beach. I asked Dalton and Qiu Min if we could stop by for a while. Dalton said yes, but for a while {he's a take charge kinda guy}. So we did. I finally got to wear me shorts! Booya. The entrance was 2 yuan which was ok. There was quite a crowd there too. I wanted to swim but the water was freeeeeeezing. Three of us did try to soak our feet a coupla times or more but it was freeeeeeezing. Meh. I wish that my city was by the bay. Well, at least I get to wear shorts in Dalian. And flip flops too.

Speaking of flip flops. They're killing me. Davin warned me that they hurt his feet when he wears them. Stupid me didn't listen because I thought they looked so hot in my feet {they do} and decided to borrow them from Davin. My feet look hot but they started complaining after two hours with the motherfuckers. What sucks was that I had to wear them for the whole day since I left my shoes at our hotel room.

3 hours later
The flipflops are still killin my feet. But at least I look hot in them.

We're in the Ocean Theme Park. The tickets were $27 US {which I find too expensive. Meh, I'm Asian so sue me}. It's pretty OK tho. It has shitloads of giant aquariums/aquatic museums, dolphin shows {no Orca's just flippers}, park rides {which you still had to pay for despite of the $27 ticket!}, and other attractions like a bird sanctuary and bungee jumping {which you also had to pay. I wanted to do it but I didn't bring enough money with me... Sucks being poor on holidays! I wonder if there's a Do-It-Yourself Bungee kit?}.

I didn't bother watching the dolphin show because I saw dolphin shows on TV already. So I just wandered around the aquariums while Dalton and Qiu Min and the rest of the park goers were watching flipper do the hula. I just realized that it really feels good to be the only person in an aquatic museum. I feel some sort of connection with the belugas, the sharks, the walruses, the sea turtles, the sea lions and the polar bears who are inside a Plexiglas cage. Or maybe it's just me. I took my time in the aquariums. Then the show finished so I had to meet up with Dalton and Qiu Min.

The theme park has cute staff members tho which is a plus. I just love men that smell of fish. Erm, forget that I said that. I mean it.


DONUTS
4 hours later

The three of us found this place that sell donuts. It turned out to be the same coffee shop chain that I went to this morning. The donuts we're nothing miraculous but they were close to home. I came in my pants eating two caramel glazed donuts. I was in an orgasmic daze while the three of us were walking towards the market where Qiu Min was supposed to buy his starfish {don't ask me why}. They could tell I came in my pants. Donuts.


BULGOGI - GOD'S GIFT TO KOREANS
2 hours later

The three of us met up with Dalton's girlfriend, Scarlet. I gave her the name Scarlet because she wanted an English name and her Chinese name meant “deep red”. She had been using the name “Scarlet” for almost two years but with the wrong spelling thus the wrong pronunciation. SCOWLLEN , which was really kilometers away from Scarlet. But whatever. I'm in China.

Bulgogi. Is. God's. Gift. To. Korean-kind.

And to me.

I love Bulgogi.

Bulgogi rocks.

I had a hard on while eating it.

I'm having a hard on just writing about it.


SEA URCHINS. INSTANT NOODLES, YET AGAIN
12 hours later


I Have consumed my 5th instant noodle. And I seriously think I should be off of it for a while. I dunno how much MSG my body could handle. Dalton made Qiu Min and I eat sea urchins. Raw. Like a sea urchin cut in the middle with its innards showing and its spikes still movin. Trying to summon my inner macho man {Village People style yo}. I poured vinegar on the sea urchin and scooped up the yellow slimy substance that I was supposed to eat. It wasn't bad. Though I would've liked it cooked. I washed my mouth with instant noodle soup. I can still taste the slime. I think I need to drink mouthwash. Or vodka. I think I'm gonna go vegetarian for a coupla days or so.


TRAINS. MY GAYDAR UPGRADE

5 hours later.

I'm on the train. A sleeper train, thank God. I'm finishing up this blog entry. Qiu Min is sleeping. I'll be arriving in Changchun at 4.30 in the morning. Then I go straight to work.

I just finished texting a friend of mine in Changchun. Turns out that my gaydar is fucked up. I don't know who's gay and who's not not unless they have rainbow flags and an NBC logo on their foreheads. I seriously need an upgrade. Looong Story and I'm waay to knackered to write, meh. That's another blog entry.

Thursday, January 17

New Flat. Sleeping with my laptop. Hackin and smokin.

I moved to my new place downtown about two days ago and I am starting to settle in nicely. I've just finished cleaning the floor (right after the cleaning lady left) for the 8th time. Incense is burning and candles are lit all across the living room while I type this long overdue blog entry. I'm so new age right now that I reek of essential oils and tofu. Oh yeah, I also have a roommate. Y'all know Wendy. She's not here right now, but she's prolly coming home pretty soon from work. I hope she doesn't freak out when she sees the floor. I did tell her about my cleaning habits. To tell you the truth, I'm a little scared about this arrangement. This is the first time that I'll be living with someone. I'm just glad that we're not havin sex so that relieves me of the pressure. Wendy's a total fruitfly and I'm a total nut. This living arrangement is only gonna be temporary as both of us don't want to be caught in this city coming 2009. She wants to go to Australia and I want, well, to marry the prince of Qatar (so lets cross our fingers and pubes hoping that might happen).

We did get into an understanding though {at least we're trying to, I think}. Like I can walk around in my boxers and she can vege out in front of the tv with her foam thing. We are allowed to fart in the apartment and nobody would laugh at the one who farted unless its waaaaaaaaaaaay too funny a fart. We can smoke but we have to smoke on the balcony {we're both trying to quit}. I can clean the floor as long as I want. She do reiki and flag. We cannot masturbate in the living room {so much for my coffee table fantasies}. We can listen to music of our choice. We can bring visitors over. We can come and go as we please as long as the other knows the comings and goings. So far so good. We'll have problems I'm sure but I'm sticking with the positive. I need this to be a positive experience for me so yeah. I'll post some photos of my new place when we are both done with the redecorating.

I've been workin a whole lot lately. For
the past few weeks (except for the last coupla days) I have been sleeping very late and what's worse is that I have been sleeping with my laptop beside me {my sex life in a nutshell. kidding*}. Coming Saturday, my ass is back to work so I am so going to enjoy my days off.

I've been sick lately and I've been coughin like a madman since yesterday. I know, it's prolly the smoking and I should quit it. I am actually. If only I could find some nicotine patches here. I actually asked a friend to buy some for me in Hong Kong. I'm hopin he could find some. I seriously SERIOUSLY need to stop smoking forever... like forever... FOREVERRRRRRR! {ever... ver... ver... er...}.

This is one lousy post I know. gimme a break, I haven't written a post in a very long time and I should write more.

Bye for now. I'll post more thought provoking shit next time. Cheers.

ps.
I'm curious.
If you were me, what should I post?




Sunday, November 4

oh boy oh boy it's the soy! {Who da thunk! Edition}

I am so multi tasking right now - I am doing the following things

1. blogging, while... 2. working on another website, while... 3. trying to write a quick email, while... 4. smoking my fourth {AND LAST} fag for the day, WHILE... 4. dancing to JUMP by the Pointer Sisters {I am eternally trapped in the 80's time warp}


EAT YOUR HEART OUT MOTHER OPRAH!


Anyways, I was googling and doing my usual site hopping a while ago when I chanced upon this article from some guy named Jim Rutz who claims that soy based products {specifically soy milk} make people gay. And I quote :


Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.


Who da thunk!!!!!!
Really! Come to think of it, I always experience this funny feeling in my stomach whenver I'm wolfing down my lunch tofu or whenever I drink soy milk. OMG!!!!!! It's giving me goosebumps right now. Somebody buy me some hetero pills fast! Ok. Mr. Rutz
{who hails from the Megashift World Wide Church} claims that his sources are in fact, scientific. How can I put it gently? Ok. Well, Mr. Wino can just kiss my partly soy fed f@gg*t ass. I don't give a flying soya fuck! Tell it to the 1.4 billion Chinese people who consume soy products on a daily basis. Clearly, his sources are far more veritable than the general opinion of the scientific community {which does not exclude the positive and negative benefits of adding soy to the daily diet}. I heart soya. I may not consume it on a daily basis but I love it. And besides, I trust my sources better!

Sunday, October 28

MEMORIES OF HALLOWEEN. GYM GIRL. DOING THE CROW. DREAMS. BOOKS & THE LADY BUG IN MY TEA

Halloween, is just 3 days away in the Noodle Kingdom! And nobody cares around these parts. Frankly, I don't think Halloween is that much celebrated in Asia. I mean even in my Coconut Republic, it rarely draws a lotta attention. Yeah, you have the usual jerk o' lantern displayed in malls and shops and massage parlors and brothels, and of course there's the staple Monster's League {Dracula, Frankenstein, Britney Spears post Grammy Opening yada yada}. But you'd rarely see kids outside wearing costumes and knocking on some person's doorstep to ask for candy. Asians don't have the Halloween spirit in them - kids all dressed up in costumes and trick or treating, while the grown ups dress up in costumes and go to Halloween parties to get drunk and/or laid. My mother, when she was in California, found the whole celebration of Halloween interesting and disturbing and pretty funny. She had to chaperone my nephew {who was 8 at that time}, all dressed in some costume with make up and all. My sister was on duty that night and her husband {who's now an ex and on steroids at 50 something} couldn't be bothered. So my mother was on kid detail. So there she was, outside with my nephew along with prolly a hundred other kids in costumes and make up with their mom/dad/grandma/grandpa/babysitter/lawyer/trust fund adviser in tow - all saying TRICK OR TREAAAAAAT! She told me she would've enjoyed it but she had to think of a lotta things. She had to keep looking at the map that my sister gave my mom. You see, my sister gave her a route to follow. There were only certain houses that my nephew had to trick or treat, because she knows the people who live there. Then she had to keep her eye on suspicious looking people who might be child predators {gay-ish looking men... white... in their mid forties to early fifties... with sunglasses...}. Then she had to check the candies in my nephew's candy bag because she had to take out any suspicious looking candy or whatnot {there was a poison candy scare at that time in America}. And then she had to watch my nephew's candy intake. My mom told me that Americans were weird. First, parents spend money for a costume and buy shitloads of candies so they could give it away to other kids who knock on their doors while their own kids go outside to knock on other people's doors so they could ask for the exact same candies that they bought for the other kids. I mean where's the logic in that {mom's words}? Then parents are worried about the safety of their kids {predators} and the sweets thats been given to them by their own neighbors. Mom told me that Californian's are very health conscious. No sugar for you. The adobo is swimming in oil. Too much rice. One soda per week. Drink your juice. Milk. Organic. 5 meals a day. yada yada yada. But then when it comes to Halloween, kids binge on candies like ecstasy pills on a rave party.

"But when I coo
k Filipino food, they complain that its too oily and fattening {the kids don't mind though}, but when it's Halloween it's free for all! You know what I think? i think they should just buy the candies and give it to their kids and not to the other children. That way, there would be no problem for poisoned candies, kidnappers. It's all too problematic for the adults. The children don't complain about my cooking?!?!?! I think they like my cooking! Little Mic Mic eats a lot of rice when I cook. See? They love my cooking! Don't you miss my cooking anak?"

When my mother was retelling me the story, I couldn't help but laugh. I picture her, wearing this Middle America housewife dress with apron and all, with a middle America smile on her face while she gives adobo wrapped in aluminum foils to the kids trick or treating on her doorstep.
I only went to a Halloween party once, and it was here in the Noodle Kingdom and it was yeaaaars ago. Wendy and Jane dragged me to go to a Halloween party in one club and I said, what the heck I'll go. So I grabbed my Navy Seal wife beater and put on some camouflaged jeans and went to the party. I was going as an ex Navy Seal who got caught going down on my lieutenant something something who resembled Kurt Russel in Stargate. The party was ok. Mostly a bunch of twenty somethings {some older} wearing the same Hairy Porter costume. Frankly, nobody was creative enough to prepare. Well except one. I think it was this guy from Chicago who went as Oscar the Grouch. He really prepared lemme tell you. I gave him an A- for effort. Anyways, there I was dancing to the same song and drinking my beer when one girl in a Goth costume started dancing with me. She was kinda purdy. Petite I would say. We were dancing. She lit up a fag then gave it to me. I smoked it and then she lit up another fag and smoked it herself. She was giving me this look! You know, the look that the human species give that is worthy of an episode for National Geographic or Animal Planet. Like "nyaaawrrrr". She was getting closer and I was trying to get Wendy's attention so she could cut in, but she was busy chugging her beer and dancing. I was getting anxious. Then she asked me what my costume was. I told her "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." She got the message. Clearly I think because after the song she went dancing with another guy in a business suit. Sucks being the only gay guy in that club. One thing, if I'm ever gonna go to a Halloween party again, I want it to go to a party with a mixed crowd. No offense to straight people, but imagine if you go to a party where you are the ONLY straight guy / gal there. You'd prolly think it would suck. Or not. Whatever, I want to go to a Halloween party where there is a good chance that the guy in the vampire costume would at least sink his teeth in me by the stroke of midnight. And I want a better costume. I already have something in mind. I want to go as the Highlander but in a kilt, with a sword and in Jimmy Choo's. Of course, there's the Scottish accent. I still have to work on that, though. Speaking of Halloween, Gym Girl, is getting hitched! I had the unfortunate chance of meeting her again three weeks ago. As I was leaving the gym, there she was in her full gym girl glory {without the umbrella}. She politely grabbed me and took me to a corner and told me that she was getting married. I had to give her the "ohmygodcongratulationswhenisthebigday???" face and act when she told me the BIG news. Apparently, she answered an online personals ad "met" one British guy who works in the city at some company, 50-ish, single {let's hope} yadi yadi and they went out on a date, there was a chemical reaction with the kung pao chicken, sparks flew and the rest is post coital history. I am actually happy for her. Genuinely. Well, I'm more genuinely happy for me, actually. As long as she is happy, I am willing to give way to true love! I asked her if they already picked a date, but she told me it was still under negotiation. She is still asking for my number though. She told me that she kept calling me so many times after that dark, stormy night. I told her my phone got stolen while I was on a bus to work and I still haven't bought a new one {thank God my phone didn't ring at that time}. She did ask me to be his future husband's best man during her wedding. I had to pretend I didn't understand what she was saying but I did tell her that I would come to her wedding. Wouldn't miss it for the world. I'll even take pictures, I told her. I told her to keep me posted on the date so I can prepare a gift and shit. What about your phone?, she asks. I told her I'll buy one soon and I'll tell her my number the next time we meet. I'm praying the Brit doesn't change his mind. She does, indeed, look happy. Radiant, like an incandescent bulb circa 1920's. Speaking of health and fitness, I am happy to tell you guys that I can officially do the crow pose. I have been doing yoga on and off lately because of the crazy schedule but every time I go to the gym, I do yoga as my stretching and warm up exercise and I practice doing the crow pose. Then one day, lo and behold, Omar can do the crow!!!!!!!! {does the victory dance, and sings "OMAR CAN DO THE CROWOW! OMAR CAN DO THE CROWOW! OMAR CAN DO THE CROWOW!}. The sweetest part is, I think the cute trainer at the gym actually saw me doing it. I'm still shy around him. I''ve actually talked to all the trainers in the gym {MEN AND WOMEN BOTH, I'M NOT THAT SLEAZY!} except him. Sigh. He's not like all Alpha Male you know - all pumped and exuding of cavemanism. He's more like a Beta Pup. Nufff. {Omar takes a deep breath then whispers his mantra of the month: I am not a slut. "I am not a slut. I am not a slut... I am not a slut... I am not a slut... *just a little sleazy*... I am not a slut..."} I've been having weird dreams lately {what's new}. I woke up this morning with a vivid recollection of my dream. I was on aircraft bomber, tied to this superduperbatmanmegatronATOMICBOMB that would destroy all of humanity, and I was smiling... and hard.


I have been reading some books lately. I just finished "Kafka on the Shore" last month and maaaaaaaaaaaaan it blew me away. If some of you guys are into books with small fonts without pop-ups you have to read Haruki Murakami. Just read him, and you'll understand why I put 13 a's in "man". I'm now reading Marina Lewycka's "A Short history of Tractors in Ukrainian". I was reading it while I was having my haircut today. The stylist asked me what was funny but my Chinese was limited to "ME ORDER FOOD, HOLD SPICE" and "YOU HAVE FIRE FOR SMOKE SMOKE?" to explain why I found the book funny, so I just told held the book up and told him that this was funny. I'm drinking Lipton Tea now. You see about 2 months ago, I bought like 100 tea bags of Lipton tea { I'm Asian and they were on sale! so sue me}, without even thinking that I rarely drink western tea. The catch is, that they were about to expire in 2 month's time. So here I am, trying to beat the expiration date. I haven't gotten sick or anything so it must be still ok. I'm actually beginning to like tea, I think. In fact, I'm drinking it every morning now. It's gonna be my caffeine substitute for a while. I was drinking it this morning then I suddenly felt something moving on my tongue. It tasted kind of iffy so I spat it out. It was a lady bug on its back, with it's feet moving frantically as if she's trying to tell me "Why did you try to eeaat meeeeee?" Poor bug, I thought. It must've been horrible being in somebody's mouth. I apologized to the ladybug and set it free to the wild {outside my window} and I prayed to the universe that I wouldn't be reincarnated as a bug. Please not a bug.they get squashed or drowned in expired tea. A dolphin would be nice. That way cute guys in tight swimsuits get to ride me in some Marine Park, AND PEOPLE GET TO WATCH! Or I could be in a movie. Damn.

Wednesday, October 24

feelin good

Despite of my recent bouts with life and the human condition, which was epitomized by my previous blog post, I'm feeling good. Why so? Well fuck! Shit happens, move on and start living life and fucking enjoying it! I keep forgetting that that was and still is, my life slogan. Plus, I'm writing again. and damn it feels good to be actually putting my laptop to good use aside from browsing free porn


{by the way, if you any of you out there who happens to read this and is an x tube member, look for the vid where two French guys - one blond and one suspiciously Latino/Asian looking - are doing it in an RV while a French TV show plays in the background. I tell ya, it's worth seeing. Clearly the best 20 minute video in xtube! And if you do have the full length feature, please I BEG YOU please send it to me by email or by post *I am willing to give my address and someone else's credit card number! Just send it in a non suspicious looking brown envelope that says HANDLE WITH CARE, socks inside!}

Where was I? Oh yeah, happy. feeling good. Yep, yes sirree.

I do have to thank some people though

My fans (slaps myself) - all 3 of them. Fernando, Sunshine and Keith. Thanks for asking me to write some and bearing with the melancholy.

My friends here in the Noodle Kingdom - Nina, Chu, Joseph, the Serbian crew in Beijing, Wendy and Jane.

My friends in North America - Ry, Poppa Reed, Davey, Sunshine and Keith (I thanked you twice already so if you have the full version of that French video SEND IT TO ME PLEAAAAAAASE)

My friends in Europe, Tanja and Shaz. Tanja, thanks for the letter. I sent one to you and Shaz in pdf format. PDF is the way to go honey. Google it and download it.

Auch, thanks for bearing with me.

Jepoy, thanks for trying to cheer me up.

Rex and Dreux, thanks for the IMs.

Fernando, thank you for the support and the pompoms and the cartwheels and the back flips.

God, I still like to have my refund if possible.

There you go. So expect more posts in my friendster, vox and blogger blogs. And one request, dear random reader, if you do read my blogs, I'd appreciate some comments good or not so good. I need to know where this is headed and your comments and/or suggestions could be helpful in figuring it out. So yeah, expect more post. If not, bombard me with emails demanding for one.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I'm starting to have Jesus abs now.

Wednesday, April 4

HAPPY GOOD FRIDAY!

I didn't realize that it was already the Holy Week not until I saw the articles in a news website that I was browsing. Damn, it's the Holy Week, the culmination of the Lenten Season. For the non-Catholics out there, well the Holy Week is a week long celebration {if you can call it that} of the passion of Jesus Christ. For us Catholics, it's actually the time for fasting, recalling our shortcomings {aka SINFUL WAYS} and asking for forgiveness, forgiving others and most of all S&M. S&M baby! Yes people. A good number of the people in my Coconut Republic do like to flog themselves and crucify themselves on a Good Friday just to atone for their sins.

Ya hav'ta hand it to the Catholic Church and Catholics when it comes to celebrating their kinks. Us Catholics cannot just do it, ya know. There must be a reason. It used to be really prevalent back when i was a wee little kid but now you have to go to certain areas in the metro just to witness it. I kinda miss it though. I dunno about you but i just get one helluva kick in me groins seeing a man {or woman} in a loincloth being beaten and flogged then crucified then left to die under the sun to be eaten by vultures... {serious face*}

Whatev. I just miss the old days. I'm getting nostalgic again, ain't I? Well I can't help it. It's already summer in the Coconut Republic and it's still snowing here! yep, it snowed yesterday and then the sun shone then it snowed again then the sun shone then it snowed again and again and again and fuckin' again...

Oh yeah, I'm still sick {i think its malignant already, me respiratory system...}. One good thing that this cold / flu did to me was that it made me stop smoking {well, at least for a while, that is}. I've been nicotine free for over a week now. but I think I'm getting better. Well at least I ain't hacking blood and green gooey stuff now. I still feel bad coz its summer THERE and its still winter here damnit! I really wanna wear flip flops soooo bad. and shorts. and t shirts. and my Cuban hat that's made in China.

Enough about me I wanna talk about me friends. ok. I ain't naming names, but a lotta me friends are into breaking up these days. Wait, lemme count them..... {Omar stops to count}.... about 4 of 'em are breaking or have already broken up. I dunno people, but is April the United Nations appointed Break Up Month? Really. I have'ta admit that I'm kinda disappointed. I was expecting wedding bells with at least two of the couples {free food with the complimentary gift bag}. But hey, life's like reality TV - full of, well REALITY - minus the cheap make up and the bad lighting.

By the way, I've been playing parent for the last coupla days. I don't wanna go into details but lemme tell you, parenting is such a hard job! Especially if yer parenting a 16 year old Russian teenager. I couldn't remember if my mother had to constantly remind me every five minutes to take baths, do my homework, do my chores and not ask a shit load of questions. Ahhh to be 16 again and not care about personal hygiene and the human condition. bliss.



Monday, March 5

bLizzard schmizzard.

darn it, darn it, darn it. i woke up today and i Looked outside me window and there's a bLizzard. a bLizzard. and i thought the warm weather was aLready a good sign that we was gonna have an earLy spring. {2 weeks peopLe, 2 fuckin whoLe weeks without knickers i went outside my fLat and it was sooooooo good to just wear somethng without Layers}. and now there's a bLizzard outside. a fuckin bLizzard.

and it's supposed to be the Last day of the spring festivaL season, the Lantern festivaL with aLL the fire works and sweet baLL thingie soups {they caLL it tang yuan here} and shit.

it's gLobaL warming i teLL ya. gLobaL fucking warming. aLL the fucking CFC's and KFCs and any three lettered acronym that ends with a C are trying to make a fucking grand comeback and a wake up caLL. aL gore was right, and the rest of the green brigade. we need to change the way we consume our naturaL resources and the way we spend our nationaL budgets. fucking free market economy shouLd rethink itseLf. that incLudes us. us. you. me. yer grannies. yer other haLves. yer secret haLves aside from yer other haLves. yer househoLd heLp. yer fuckin presidents. yer tax guy. yer fuckbuddy. yer preacher. yer bestfriend. yer crush. yer popstar. US.

damnit enuff of the preachin and time for some bLoggin.

i had a reiki session with wendy the other night. damn was she good. she reaLLy went aLL the way with the scents, oiLs, crystaLs, tarot cards and shit. it was so good that i dozed off on me tummy in the middLe of the session. good thing there was taibshe {her cat} who kept me awake because he kept Licking my right arm from time to time. i guess he Likes oLive oiL. by the way, i never knew that cat tongues feeL Like sand paper. i wunder what their tastebuds are Like?

anyways, after the reiki session, wendy gave me a reading. and it was kind of reveaLing. the cards actuaLLy vaLidated some of the things that have been swimming in my head for the past year or so.

reiki's just so kewL.

i've been faithfuL to my yoga {3 months and going strong}. i'm pLanning to do piLates too and then gym. yeah, you proLLy have figured out aLready that i Live quite a sorry Life that i need to vaLidate my existence by maintaining my 60 kiLograms. whut can i say? i'm shaLLow, so screw you. {kidding}

speaking of piLates. it's so fucking funny, the whoLe thing. i was Laughing my ass off whiLe i was doing piLates two nights ago. you see, i bought this set of vids on piLates. it said on the cover, "piLates for men" and it had a picture of some marLboro guy that had 12 pack abs or something who was doing some piLates pose. so yeah, i said to myseLf, fuck i've been meaning to have jesus abs then why not try fucking piLates. so i bought it. then Later that night, i tried the first vid {beginners} and i was Like, ok this is easy kinda Like yoga. but when the guy on the vid {jonathan urLa or something} told me to roLL over and hoLd my feet and so and so and cLap Like a fucking sea Lion from ocean park and sea worLd, that reaLLy set me off Laughin. imagine a grown man Lying on his back roLLing forwards and backwards and cLapping Like a seaL whiLe waiting for a fish treat from the hunky trainor in speedos. i did it anyways. i even made seaL sounds. fuck that shit. i Luved it. i was teary eyed because of the utter stupidity of the whoLe thing.

but
but
BUT
here's the kicker...

the next morning, my abs hurt Like heLL. i mean Like heLL.the Last time my abs feLt Like this was when i was 16 and i masturbated for 45 minutes under a mango tree in the middLe of the rice fieLd many summers ago {oooh those were the days my friend... those wer the days}. i have to say that piLates totaLLy rocked my abs. fuck you'd Look stupid i mean reaLLy stupid doing it but i don't care if i need to cLap Like a seaL Lion or jump Like a chimp or do the fucking hokey pokey as Long as it does the work, fuck i'm in!

jesus abs here i cum!


***********************************

updateupdateupdate


i am never ever... everrrrrrrr going to do what i just did again. never. ever. cross my fucking heart and i hope that my dead grandmother cut off me baLLs and feed it to the dogs of hades if i ever do.

one piece of unsolicited advise kids.

NEVER FUCKING GO OUT DURING A BLIZZARD. NEVER. NEVER. EVERRRRRRR.

not even if james van der beek is waiting for your sorry ass at the gate. not even if it means cLaudia fucking schiffer is gonna give you some mindbLowing sex after. not even if the queen of fucking engLand or tumbuktu makes you an honorary member of the royaL fucking famiLy.

never.

and don't say i didn't warn you.

Wednesday, October 4

i have no fire in my loins

So says my Chinese doctor.

Being the gullible tourist that I am, I went to a Traditional Chinese Medicine clinic this morning right after gym. My Chinese friend and gym buddy {I so hate that word, it makes me sound like I'm some gym bunny who's on steriods... maybe I should change it to 'health partner'?} took me to this TCM {Traditional Chinese Medicine} clinic which was just conveniently placed beside the gym where I go to. Omar was giddy {why the fuck did I use that word?} since it's his first time to go to a TCM practitioner.

You see, I've been telling my Chinese friend about me being interested in Chinese medicine and acupuncture and I told him that I wanted to try it sometime. And since it was a holiday {National Week in China, sorta like their Independence Day - fuck the Chinese are waaaaay too lucky to have a one week holiday}, my friend and I decided to go to the TCM clinic right beside the gym.

And so there we were, apparently the ONLY patients for the day {slow day I guess, but it made me wonder that MAAAAAAAAYBE this was a wrong idea. But it was the holidays anyways}. Anyways, the doctor {or practitioner or shaman or whatever you may call her for your very own convenience} checked me out. No, not THAT kinda checking somebody out {perves!She was nearly in her 60's for cryin' out loud!}. She did the usual stuff - checked my pulse, made me say "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH", checked my eyes and my skin tone and then asked some random questions like my age, weight, and which cosmetics I used {hehe... kidding... fuckin' Freud}. the whole time she was asking me questions she was speaking in Chinese so my friend had to translate.

Then after five minutes she gave her diagnosis.

I have no fire in my loins.

And I was like, uh-huh...

Then she goes on explaining to me that my kidneys were rather cold and lacked the necessary fire. Then she asked me if there was anything wrong with me for the past days or weeks or months.

I wanted to tell her that I was an emotional wreck becuase I was an unwanted child and that I was gangraped by aliens in their space pod when I was twelve and that nobody believed me when I told my story to people which resulted to a major serious damage to my inner child - which was the main reason why I couldn't commit to someone even if my very life was at stake, thus giving me no other alternative than to commit myself to masturbating with my left hand on Tuesdays and Thursdays and with my right on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Saturday's are laundry days and Sunday's the Sabbath {duh! I'm still Catholic, you know!}.

But I digressed. I told her that I have been having major neck pains and I was feeling a bit lethargic these past coupla weeks. And guessed what she told me:

I have no fire in my loins.

She then gave me a prescription, well more like a concoction of 20 ++ something herbs and shit {she says they're all natural} which I would boil for 40 minutes and then drink twice a day. She prescribed three packets of that mixture {one pack I can 'reuse' for 3 times. YAY! ugh}. So I went to the 'pharmacy' to buy them herbs and shit which was also INSIDE the clinic {nice M.O. they have here, coz I just asked for the list of herbs so I can buy it in a drugstore that also sells TCM shit and whatnots but she insisted that I buy it here because there are some secret herbs that she does not want to reveal to the general populace}. So I had no choice but to buy from their stash. But I had fun watching the attendant mix the herbs. She goes to the 'pharmacy' where you can find a huge cabinet filled with drawers {think Dewey Decimal System cabinets in old libraries} and she has this weighing scale in her hand to measure the exact amount of herbs that I need and then she lays all the herbs on a big brown piece of paper and voila! - you have your own prescription drug, TCM style.

Soooooooo, I'm sitting here right now typing this blog while I'm waiting for the decoction {the by product of the herbs when boiled} to cooldown a bit. Yep, I just finished boiling it in an earthenware pot which I just bought from Walmart {hey, I was excited! It's my first time to take Chinese medicine so why not go the whole nine yards?} and put the decoction {why do I seem to like that word?} in a not-so-big-but-big-enough glass bottle {Walmart} and I could smell the scents emanating from me kitchen...

By God it smells like CAT PISS!!!

I'm thinking of chasing it with brandy or maybe loads and loads of water. Dear Lord I'm having goosebumps just thinking about it. What the fuck was I thinking?

Hell, I payed for it {quite expensive mind you, but I bet my ass it's more expensive if I buy them herbs in the States or even in the Philippines}. And besides, Chinese Medicine has existed looooooong before Western Medicine and there must be a goddamn reason why it's still here and practiced by millions, no, BILLIONS of people [including a good number of non-Chinese people}. So Im'ma try it {Go Ninja!}. You only live once so why not try everything, eh? {although drinking the shitjuice might give me sudden death}. Meh. Hell, it might even cure my erectile dysfunction.

It still smells like cat piss.

God I hope I don't O.D.

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